Why was it so confusing?

For so long my life was a broken road with many potholes. I thought people were my friends. The guys I dated never loved me.  Over time I realized I was wrong. Take for instance my ex Nate. He was abusive and ruined me so much I felt ugly even in my favorite dress.  But getting him out my house once and for all, I finally began looking at every person who I knew past and present. And I realized not everyone was my friend. I mean there's a reason why I have nothing to do with my family. I mean besides the fact they're child molesters and murderers and drug addicts. I got better things to do with my life. People who did love me left me through death. The honest ones who cared for me. Yeah a few grew apart from me or o grew apart from them on my own terms.

              But that was life. I had to learn my purpose on this Earth. I'm 40, now. Still not sure what my purpose is. My heart says "Go for it". But, my brain says " How?". My heart desires to have my restaurant. It's like a craving. But it has been going on for so many years. Too many years. I always fantasized that I'd meet that guy who wanted to help me fulfill my dreams and make me happy. Telling me to open my restaurant and he'd give me start up funding but after that it will be my butt paying for things I needed to run it. I know the location I'd have it too. Right on Rt. 9. I'd serve real homemade food. Nothing too froufrou and not boring. Good food for cheap. I'd have a playground like the ones anyone over 30 would remember growing up playing in, for the kids to play outside while dinner was cooking or lunch or breakfast. Family friendly. I'd have a free table for homeless or less fortunate who can't afford to eat. I'd hire people who need the job and elderly who don't want to quit working but the companies they worked for forced them out because of their age. The walls will be lined with bench seats and seats at the counter as well as 4 extra tables in the middle. Enough space for everyone no matter their size to feel comfortable.

But I got off topic when I went into my desire. The people I grew apart from were rich and poor, straight and gay addicts of every form and clean no drugs type. People with diseases people without. They all had their purpose in my life. Some to help me remove others. Some to help me see the better picture ahead of me. Some were there to lead me to the ones meant to be with me in my journeys through life. I always said I could never hate a person. It's not biblical to hate someone. But it is human to feel animosity and anger, which in turn can look like hatred. But it's not. No I don't hate any of you. I hate what you put me through and how you made me feel. But I don't hate those of you are impotent and lie and cheat you way through life, just so you can feel good inside because either you're ugly. Inside and out.

Even now, I look at the present and think of the confusion I've been going through. I walked into a building trying to figure out my future with the building and things inside of it. I was once so excited about going in there. Slowly I kept getting hints I didn't belong in there. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to go about ending my relation with the company in that building. I've had the nightmare last night that put it the nail in the coffin. Waking up crying I made a mistake with someone thinking he's upset with me. More like mad as hell at me. And both things were synced together in the dream. I don't know why either. But I hope I figure it out soon. This is driving me crazy.


I'll keep you posted..