The chapters are supposed to end. Are they not? As the saying goes "One chapter ends, another begins". And "Where one door closes, another opens". Opportunities.. New chances to be happy. To be fulfilled. To smile with meaning. Well it seems my window or my door are stuck. Can someone please tap at the windowpane or unjam that door already? What do I need to do in order to open them or it completely?
I am not happy at my job. Well I would be if my boss wasn't my boss. Because of her I got a lousy raise. I dread going to work because I know she will be there. She is always there. She never leaves. And when she does she comes rightback. What she needs to do is do her job and then go home. Bit she can't or she won't. Everytime she goes on vacation I pray she doesn't come back. Everyday since she came backall she does is complain "Why did I come back?". Before she left she began claiming to me a coworker of mine stole money from the drawer to take her kids to the movies. To others she claimed it was me. I didn't even work that day.When I am not scheduled I do my best not to go there for anything. I work at a gas station/convienence store. Get paid diddly squat. She has no respect for her employees, yet she demands it from us. I left a job because of a bad manager. I began recently looking for a new job. I was happy there until my review and after all the extra work I put in the year previous, it was a slapin the face. I got over it enough to continue to work there because I love my coworkers and my customers. recently in the past 3 months my job has become more stress than enjoyable. So stressful I am flipping out at the people I live with . And I shouldn't be. You should enjoy going to work, but I can't be. I hope I find a new job soon. One with better pay, and better hours, soon.
Then there is the so called boyfriend. I am tired of him. He gets to run around and play house with other women. Tell them "I love you baby", kiss and hug them. But never touch me, unless he is desparate? I am sorry, but he lost my heart when he got caught cheating this last time in February. For 2 months I thought "Finally" we're getting somewhere. Meanwhile, we weren't. He was fucking my body thinking it was hers. Messed up right? Yet, she was and still is a married woman. What was he going to do? Shack up with her and her hubby? That is gross. When she found out about me, it was because she left a comment on his myspace about how she loved him and couldn't wait to see him tomorrow. I emailed her and told herhe and I were an item. She didn't care I guess, even after she left him on the side of the road on the highway at a truckstop without his heart medication. He went back to her. And they didthis for 6 weeks, It was tiring, I miscarried, I didn't go to the hospital because I had been there before I knew what to do. I didn't take care of myself. Since February when I found out about her, he kept claiming he wanted to work on us. I gave him one month. He wouldn't even be in the same room.I couldn't handle the lying to me. Now I believe every word he says to me to be a lie. I've broken it off. I was tired of asking for attention, tired of asking for sex, tired of loving a man who didn't deserve me from day one. There isn't anything there. I am true to this. I have no feelings for him. He is just an empty soul wasting away on my couch.
Another one wants me. But wouldn't do anything to be with me. I finally gave in and said there was never anything between me and the first one, he was just a friend who is dying and needed a place to stay. The other guy (we will call him Walker)when we speak he makes me happy. Even if it is a few minutes at a time here and there. I feel happy. He has his cons too. Where he doesn't want kids says he is too old. His dogs don't like cats. He seems like he is hiding something. But outside of those I think of him and get butterflies and smiles. I think of Cheater I get nothing but questions to myself of "Why I let it happen like that? Why did I fight when I could have cut ties and let him go?" Other than the fact I knew he would end up back on my steps looking like a lost puppy with no place to go.
oh let's not forget this other guy who has all kinds of girlfriends and has tried to sweet talk me. I mean yes I know I live in a trailor park (and there isnt ever anything nice said about TPs) but I sure the hell aint interested in messing with someone who likes to welcome the new residents by sleeping with them. And is divorced because he and his wife are both cheaters. Ugh, will men and women ever change?
My child wants me to get her into a school in the town I currently work in. Yes it is a better school system, Yes I'd have to get her to and from school. I am doing what I can to get her transferred and I am hoping it happens. But my thing is driving that road 2 times a day as is going to and from work is hell in the winter, but now I'm going to have to do it 4 times a day. Unless I find a job with better hours, then it won't be a problem. It's in the best interests of my child.
My family? You ask, "Where are they?" Plain and simple rundown for ya. My dad died when I was a kid around 8 yrs old. I had a sister(my kids biological mom) died 9 years ago. My mother gave up her fight for life after that. The rest of the family tried suing me for custody of my child and my belongings. They didn't even know the kid, yet they were trying to take her away from the one person who knew her. One of my brothers mollested her after my sister died, no one cared then. All of them said it was a lie. I went to court and faught against them and got restraining orders against them all, to keep her protected. I will not associate with any of them. My kid tried but she kept getting lied to, even by her cousins, so she quickly learned the apple doesn't fall from the tree. She has made her friends and mine her family. Besides one person, she has done a good job finding good family members.
You wanna know about that person huh? Quick and simple like she is. Lies was her game. That's all that ever came out her mouth and still does I am sure, even though I don't speak to her anymore. People like her say and do whatever to make her look good. She locks her boyfriends kid and her sister in their room all day, telling them they are punished because they sneezed or something stupid. She is a druggie and a whore. When he is gone, she has men over. It has been over a year since I saw her face to face, but I have seen pics of her and she has gained alot of weight. She kept claiming she was moving, yeah I'm sure that didn't happen, she can't pay her current bills...lol
Yup, I guess I did let things happen to me. But they were all mistake. And one by one the mistakes will get corrected. Things will change and I will become happy again. And I will stay happy as long as God and I keep our pact with each other. And I stay on track.
I will change jobs. I will get rid of cheater. I have let go of a bunch of useless people. I will find out if Walker is worth my time, but I will not rush into that or anything with him. I will only be friends with the resident greeter. I will walk with a smile that has meaning. I will do all I can to make my child happy, so she will grow up to enjoy life and love herself.
No more shedded tears for worthless things. I am all cried out.
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