too much thinking...

i cant think straight i have so much going on in my head i cant figure out which way to go part of me says move on parts of me says stay you need to, then i wish i could figure out what the other people are trully thinking themselves, one person says he wants to be here yet he never does anything to come here, another tells he wouldnt have left if we didnt argue too much when he did leave, another tells me to stop talking to everyone, another tells me i deserve better yet she keeps trying to catch diseases or get pregnant with baby number 4 by a dj who could be baby daddy number 4, another who is gay tells me he needs to get out of his dads house and wants to come here but he needs his space to walk around naked no thanks buddy seriously thats gross, i have a teenage daughter absolutely no one will be walkin around my house butt naked especially since there is no baby in the house, i wish i had a baby but i dont, i want to open my own restuarant but i dont know how to, i wish a storm would come through and tear down my house so i can collect the insurance and move, i hate living where i am, i need to move and find a new start somewhere else. been here too long now, i lost weight but i know i gained some of it back or at least i feel i did, im depressed thinking i should claim social security but i dont want to deal with people or wait forever to get approved, i dont like sitting on my butt waiting for things to get better i apply for jobs everywhere yet no one calls the one job offer i got i don even trust because they hired people on the spot and then my daughter got hurt so i had to let go of the job not fair but it was only for 10 days anyways but whatever, my friend hates her job and wont leave it the guy has her working 16 hours a day treats her like shit pays her crap she has 2 young kids at home she doesnt get it, i need god to show me what to do because im missing something i dont get it, what am i supposed to do? i need to be shown who or how do i start my own company? its in my heart to start my own resturant, i dont need negative in my life, i need to start being happy again, i was happy before, i miss nate i think because hes been part of my life for so long and i get his checks i dont want to lose his checks when i myself dont have an income i think thats the only reason he keeps contact with me really and thats hardly ever anymore he turns his phone off then says he lost his power cord, i dont believe him. i miss john because for a long time i was in love with him and then he walked out on me when i needed him but he says if i didnt tell him to leave when we argued he probably wouldnt have left, now he has his own place for just himself hes happy alone, i miss john because believe it or not he made me feel special just by the fact we didnt need alot to be happy each day we slept in the same bed with no sex that was important to me, i didnt need sex nor do i want it, he let me sleep with my arm around him when i needed him he would put his around me, i really wish i didnt push him away he would still be here, and maybe by now we would have been more than friends but now we are complete strangers, i look at his picture and think god he looks old and ugly but i still in my heart remember that gorgeous man who walked into my store and i made a joke towards, where is he today? i miss him, he could be the one working and paying the bills here i could be the at home mom caregiver and whatnot, but i was dumb. my mistake. nate left on his own because he was a major cheater and his karma was catching up to him so much making him physically sick from all the lies he did.. i wish he could have been better but hes not. i really wish i could move and start over, because where i am right now i dont like anyone and dont trust anyone, i believe if i move then i can make better choices in life and let go of people i no longer need in my life and wont continue to get used by people as i do all the time. i need a better life. i need to get to working even if it is part time outside the house i need better things to do. please god show me what to do where to go...im losing my mind...i need to really quit smoking too....