Favorites

Dear Favorite,

I can't imagine going through life feeling absolute emptiness like I am feeling right now. I feel parts of me healing from past hurts. But part of me is hurting new. And I'm afraid to feel this. I feel lost. There's only one person I want around. But I don't want to talk, I don't want to stand either. I want him laying here with me, holding me, as I cry while I let go of my friends who I ll never speak to again. Not saying a word, just letting my tears fall. I can't tell anyone. Because I'm a fool. He hurt me. But with him I feel safe. No matter the horror I felt from things said. I can't talk to anyone person because people talk. No one shuts up while one person is talking. It's always about getting your opinion in. He listened to me until his ears bled. He let me cry on his shoulders about my Dad. He held me through the pain of Michael, he didn't even know it, but he did. I wish Michael didn't marry Barbra when he did. He'd still be alive today. I wish Michael didn't hurt the way he did, because he left me. I want so badly to find the love and affection and trust I had in Michael just as I did in my Dad. Now I've got to continue on with it in my head how the one I want near me can't be. He's not even dead. People always say the best way to get over someone is get with another. Hell that's a lie. A real huge lie. And I just lived. The past couple months just made me miss him more and more. I'm empty and alone. I have no one to tell. I can't even tell him. It's all lies. I hate this. I hate being alone with my head and my heart battling each other. Everyone else is moving on, but I'm here like "hey I'm fragile". No one will ever understand this. No one goes through everything I just went through this month. I want to be in love so in love I want to be drunk in love. Never questioning anything. I want that kiss. So I never feel this feeling again... I want to give my everything to a man who wants to give me his everything. So as my last friend gets laid to rest this morning I begin to heal from the final loss. I forgive you all who have committed suicide, those of you who died in accidents or of health issues. So many of you in heaven together now. You can all watch over me and lead me to him. I want to be that rib to complete that man I'm to fit with for the rest of my life. But for now, I'm going to finish this goodbye. I need to let go of my past and let in the future. I'm tired of losing people. Tired of hurting. Tired of thinking. Tired of being alone inside my head while my heart feels this way..

Love from,
Your Favorite

PS.... I'm not SUICIDAL I'm just ending my past.... From now on fuck the past, I'm taking back my year!!!!!