Made changes for the better..

I couldn't take the pain of walking around dead anymore. So, I faught back. It pissed people off. But now I'm happy and breathing and living again. Those who got mad were the ones who were hurting me and I was getting rid of. I struggled to pay off my debt, so I wouldn't have to worry once I got rid of one person who wanted me dead. He was so abusive to me. He denied it too long. He thought I was screwing myself over when I cut ties. But in the end it was him who lost out. Good luck to the people he's with now. I will never let him back in my life. I'm too good for that. He doesn't deserve my frienship either. He lies about being sick and dying. He sucks you in feeling sorry for him. He pretends to be other people on Facebook. Many accounts he has under fake names and pictures. As I find them I block them. I blocked all his calls on my phone. He told me his cellphone was stolen lol no he changed his number and pretended to be some guy lol too funny. Trying to hold onto me because I took care of his ass for 11 years. Imagine how beautiful my life would have been if I just kicked him to the curb years ago instead if being a soft thinking he was dying. Problem was he never did. He would shut up once he got questioned too much about when he supposed to have had a bad heart or when he claimed to have cancer. You can write a book about how crazy this guy was. I'm glad he's gone. I have many unread emails from him. I'm sure they're mostly threats of how I'm a bitch and treated him wrong and he's going to ruin my life. He did that for years. He's just mad I took my life back. Anyways, my life is way better now. No guy will ever do that to me again. Enjoy your day y'all...

False hope B...

I guess chrome didn't want me to publish my story. It messed up and deleted everything I had written. About to hit save and it stopped working. I'm still upset at you B. Before I started typing on here, I had it pictured in my head I'd call out your name and your company. But as I started typing I just typed out the lies you said and how upset at you I am. You lied about the job. You lost antiques your friend, employee stole from me. Your other employee was half here and half gone. When he was here he hardly worked. He did a shotty job. Broke things to have more things to repair so y'all would get more money. The job was supposed to be 3-4 days ended up being over ten weeks long. You were a lot of talk when N was here. He is gone then you stop talking. It's been over a month and you haven't repaired the spot in my ceiling that's leaking. So I gave you the text that you can forget about it. You'll never do it. You are just one guy who likes to talk alot of bullshit. I get it. You have your pretty clean white house with no problems. I gave up alot of the years. But I am slowly gaining my life back. I don't need you. I wanted you. Big difference. I didn't screw it up. I figured that out. It wasn't me. It couldn't be me. You were the one that was a lot of talk. Shit, I finally got rid of N and have been fixing shit he broke on me replacing things he threw away on me paying off debt he caused me. If you can't handle my crazy, that's fine. You should have said so. But I am done letting guys talk shit that's not true to me. I deserve a damn good man. I am a damn good woman. I don't deserve liars, cheaters alcoholics nor drug addicts. And I'm sure you fall into one or two of these categories. Fuck I'm turning 40 in July. I don't have time for big boys and their lies. If you can't be honest with me I don't have time for you. I'm not rich in money. But I am rich in many other ways. I need a man who will compliment my life. Not detract from it. So you take your expensive house and your lousy business techniques and you enjoy life. I'll figure out my roof. After all this is my year to find a good man that will accept all the bullshit I've just been through and move on with my life. Take care of yourself. don't overwork your life in your life you forget to live. Because you'll hit that spot in your life you'll wonder why you didn't do all those things you said you'd do. Go take care of your desires. I'm not mad at you. I'm upset at you. There's a difference. You let me down.

There's a difference between guys and men... No?

So far in my life I've met mostly guys. The few men I met were good men who were married to good women. Well minus one who married the wrong woman because she made him believe she was pregnant with his baby.
But anyways. Guys say all the right stuff to get you to listen. But they have absolutely no clue what to do with it. So they jerk off and leave after 3 pumps. Claim the girls psycho or too clingy. Men do the job right and stick around. Guys call women cows. Men call them ladies. Men do not cheat. Guys do. Men do not manipulate. Guys do.
Here's some guys for you.
Nate. Lies, cheater, neglects the one he's "dating" and living with to lie to another saying he lives with his uncle. she gave up on him years ago. But he just won't leave. Blamed her for everything wrong. When it's not her fault he was like that before she met him. If she knew before what she learned she would have never given him the time of day.  Now he's living his karma for all his wrong doings. Breathing problems and no one here trusting him.
John... Haha sorry just pictured how he looks now. Fat, toothless, bald, ugly. He got his karma. Over compensating turns out to be the worst thing you can do. He over compensated because he was a major problem to anyone who met him. I'm glad he left. I'm glad to not have anything to do with him anymore either.
Matthew... I'm glad he didn't last long either. Full of life and deceit. His poor girlfriend. She deserves way better. Im glad he's not near me. I have been through enough with lying people. Glad he's gone.
To all the guys who thought I was too fat. Im glad you are a thing of the past. Because I deserve better. To the guy who says he wants me, but doesn't put effort into getting me or bring with me. Thanks, for not being man enough to do so. But good enough to step aside and not hold me back from moving forward. To the guy I just met this week. Honestly, you don't know what you really want nor need. I'm glad I didn't hand you my eggs and say "protect these" because you would have dropped them. I wish you luck in finding exactly what you want and need. I deserve a man who knows exactly what that is to him.
Thanks to a certain guy, no names being said. A couple years ago you came into my life to help make it better. You were a sight to see. But kind hearted. I wish I had more confidence in myself after everything I have been through. Even this past year from time to time I'd text to say hi. You were still kind enough to be polite. Even when I flirted or joked around. You didn't make me feel small or stupid. I felt comfortable. Why can't I meet a man like you who'd date someone like me? I even began thinking somehow you know John. I'm positive Russell knew him. It clicked in fast when I saw Russell, but i kept my mouth shut. You had to of known John. Because I didn't speak to him but somehow he knew about things only you and Russell knew going on. Not that it matters. But if John was a major drug addict i would think you were as well? I would hope not. But anyways.. it's too late.
Anyway,, my being messed up started with my family. And fighting to keep my sister's baby safe. I grew up in that crap. Im happy to not have anything to do with that family. And my sister trying to pretend to be family, that was a joke. And sadly Rain got hurt. But she learned why I kept her away. Now she knows not to do it again. That family is not worth it.
I've got friends who I don't associate with anymore. Mainly because they were drug addicts and I'm not and I have better intentions in life. I don't miss them anymore.
What I miss is being able to feel safe, sexy and wanted. Okay maybe not wanted but desired. Im writing a book. I got most of it done. But I need to go back over it and correct spots and add story to it. Change names of people in it. But for the most part I'm happy with it and where it's going.
Writing helped me get anger out. It helped me work on me too. I have dreams of being loved so right I forget I missed years of being held and loved. I never got to experience real honest to goodness love. So it goes without saying, I haven't met the man. Just guys....

The ad said sub wanting Dom... What happened?

                              He showed up to the motel, she lets him in. He sits on the bed. Goes to reach for her. She pushes his hands done and says not until I tell you you can touch me. He tried again she pushes his hands down. She put her foot on the bed over his leg and says take your fingers and fill my pussy hole. He looks at her laughs. She slaps him and says stop laughing and do as I said now. So he take 3 fingers and fills her pussy hole with them. Now rub my clit with your thumb, he runs. Make me cum in your hand, so he starts fucking her with his fingers rubbing her clit. Harder you bastard, so he goes harder ramming his fingers in her pussy. She moans, grabs his shirt and bucks hard as she cums in his hand. Now rub your dick with my juices bastard. He tries kissing her, no fucking kidding rub it on your dick now. And get completely naked. Before hearing another he undresses fast throwing his clothes all over the room. Reaches her cunt takes her juices and rubs it oin his dick. His limp little dick. She pushes him back he lays on his back, knees bent over the edge of the bed. Feet on the floor. She climbs on top of his chest as facing his face she grabs his limp dick hard in her fist and says lick my pussy long and slow now. As he licks she rubs his dick hard in her hand she licks the tip of his dick and sucks it into her mouth as she cums again on his face. She gets up turns around and kneels just above his semi hard dick, smiles at him and rams his dick into her pussy and fucks him hard and fucks him long. Takes a good 15 minutes of ramming his dick hard before he's solid cock and blows hard fast cum deep inside of her. She gets off him. Grabbing hand cuffs she cuffs hands to the bed posts stretched his arms away from being able to touch her. She grabs a hit burning candle and begins to drop hot wax on his groin just above his cock burning him. He's beginning to complain she tells him to shut the fuck up but he won't so she grabs a gag from her bag stuffs it in his mouth and leaves him muffled yelling as she drops hot wax on his body in various spots. Letting the wax get hard then ripping it off. He's beginning to sweat and getting frustrated, she sees this. So giving him a break from the pain, she kneels her wet pussy on his stomach as she takes his cock in her hands and rubs him hard and fast making him hard and running in her hands over and over. She's taking the cum rubbing it in her pussy, fingering herself as he watched she takes his dick in her mouth ad begins to fuck herself as she's sucking him hard. She's rubbing her foot and spreads her legs wide over his stomach so he can watch as she cums on his stomach as she's tasting his cum pour into her mouth as she spits it down her chin and continues to suck his dick she leans back and stick her wet pussy on his nose moving in and over face fucking him with her wet pussy.  she turns around takes the gag out his mouth, kisses him and tells him to suck her tits like a baby and be begins to suck and she's riding his cock long and slow she's watching him suck her big tits finally letting him bite onto a nipple she looks down at him and smiles as she's fucking him over and over. She's grinding her pussy on his dick getting tight on his dick she's pushing on his chest grabbing it pinching his nipples, she leans back hard on his dick as he explodes inside her. She rests there watching him. Leaning down she kisses him as she slides off. She walks over to her bag and grabs cuffs that have chains attached to them. She cuffs his legs one by one and cuffs his legs raised up off the bed. She goes in her bag and gets out a peg and begins fucking hiss asshole with it. Rubbing his cock as she's pegging his asshole he gets hard, harder than he has been so she stands above him and slams down ramming his extremely hard cock deep into her pussy making him immediately bust a nut into her. She does her hips in circles making his cock tingle inside her pussy she reaches behind her and begins fucking him with the peg again. Bouncing her pussy up and down on him fucking him. He cums again inside her. She undoes his wrists and tells him to hold her and fuck her so he does, she tells him suck my skin he does as he's told. Pinched my nipples, so he does. He's sucking away as her skin leaving bruises and making love to her. His hands feeling all over her body he lifts her begins sucking on her clit  and fingering her asshole with a finger pulling her leg over his shoulder he begins biting her clit kissing it sucking it licking her pussy tonguing her pussy hole fucking her hole with his tongue, she's grabbing his hair shoving his face in her he lays back taking her with him and she's telling him make me cum for you, make this pussy yours. He's pulling her hips hard on his face as he's eating at her pussy her fingers grabbing tight on his hair as she begins bucking hard getting ready to cum he says undo my legs undo my legs so she undoes his legs, and gets on her knees he's fucking her hard she's moaning hard his hands gripping her shoulders hard he's banging her from the back sweat pouring down his face he's banging her she's rubbing her clit he takes his hand and helps her rub her clit hard keeping her trembling hard making her body work up hard they're rubbing her clit together hard as he's fucking her pussy he bites her shoulder and she gives in and explodes hard on his dick as he explodes deep inside her pussy. He kneels back and she goes with him sitting on his dick and he says I'm getting raw I can't keep going, so she begins fucking his dick pounding her ass to his legs making his dick go in and out of her extremely wet pussy she bounces him into running one more time. Leans back into him as they sit there kissing. Her tits in his hands he's still pinching her nipples. She says I have one more treat for you. She gets up goes to her bag and pulls out a dildo must've been 10 inches long 3 inches thick. It was attached to a motor handle like one of those power toothbrushes. She says this is my treat to you, you get to sit back and watch me fuck myself one final time before wee sleep. So he leans back into the pillows as she leans against the bedpost at the foot of the bed legs spread wide takes the dildo and places it at her pussy hole and starts teasing her pussy with it, going slow rubbing it on her clit all over her pussy lips and puts it into her pussy and begins fucking herself with it. Doesn't take long before she's shoving it deep inside her letting it vibrate and fuck her as she's staring at him fall asleep she gets on all fours and sucks his cock as the dildo is vibrating inside her. He falls asleep as she's sucking him off. She sees no point wasting the dildo so she quickly gets herself off with it. Cleans up her stuff and climbs on his lap in hopes he wakes up for one more romp she's fucking his limp dick sucking his neck he wakes up enough to look at her and sucks her tit for a quick second, but noticing it wasn't going further she gets up handcuffs him to the bed, leaves a note and disappears forever...

Thanks boys, but I've got it from here

Ugh, how did I go from single and happy to trying to find a man and blah feeling about it? Oh yeah, that's right I listened to friends.

Let me tell you about the guys I've met. But let me say this... Just because you have a penis it does not mean you are a man. Your character does.

The guys.... Matthew is last years news. He wasn't worth shit then still isn't today.

Hank.... In his 50s, full of headgames. Loved to lie. Cheat. Carried diseases like the candy man wanting to pass them out. But I wasn't having any of them. I'm too good for him. Took me a bit, but got rid of him.
Then, Stuart? I think. But anyways. He began by sounding promising. 33, a virgin, outgoing etc.  Well then he drops the I live with my parents, don't keep jobs, my parents piss me off because they're so noisy. I'd rather go out playing with my friends than work. Claimed he wanted to be a cop. Boy did he drop the ball on things in life. I just stopped replying to him.
John.. No job, lives with his family. Doesn't do anything with his life but watch his families kids. No thanks.
Jim, a guy in my town. Seemed sweet. But he didn't like talking I guess. But he turned me off by sending me a picture of himself naked. Adios.
Gareth. God, I really hoped he had promise. We were going good. Good conversation. Great actually. But then he tried calling me a liar. Telling me I wasn't the same person in both my pictures. 2 weeks apart in the pictures. My guess he was just insecure and had to start an argument. But I simply just said goodbye. I have more respect for myself than to sit there arguing with a boy.
I feel I'm missing someone? So many boys in a few short months. But I am done. I'm going back to what I know best. Being happy and single. I'm healthy, 38, big beautiful vibrant and outgoing. God fearing. Don't lie, don't cheat. I help others. When the right man comes along he will. We will mesh so well I'll forget the crap I had to dig through the past few months.
I'm not settling for anyone either. I deserve a damn good man. A farmer type guy. A hard working man. Like the guy I drove passed a few weeks ago in Spencer. God he was gorgeous. He was pulling into his driveway. Black car. Short dirty blond hair on his head. Handsome as all get out. Farmer.
Thinking I need to write a book... No one reads this, so I can keep talking. But I won't. This happy and healthy beautiful lady is going to bed..

I love you guys, for showing me I'm better than you can ever offer. I'll keep dreaming about that guy. Maybe, just maybe God will lead us together someday.

Enjoy your life people. Don't settle for crap.

Favorites

Dear Favorite,

I can't imagine going through life feeling absolute emptiness like I am feeling right now. I feel parts of me healing from past hurts. But part of me is hurting new. And I'm afraid to feel this. I feel lost. There's only one person I want around. But I don't want to talk, I don't want to stand either. I want him laying here with me, holding me, as I cry while I let go of my friends who I ll never speak to again. Not saying a word, just letting my tears fall. I can't tell anyone. Because I'm a fool. He hurt me. But with him I feel safe. No matter the horror I felt from things said. I can't talk to anyone person because people talk. No one shuts up while one person is talking. It's always about getting your opinion in. He listened to me until his ears bled. He let me cry on his shoulders about my Dad. He held me through the pain of Michael, he didn't even know it, but he did. I wish Michael didn't marry Barbra when he did. He'd still be alive today. I wish Michael didn't hurt the way he did, because he left me. I want so badly to find the love and affection and trust I had in Michael just as I did in my Dad. Now I've got to continue on with it in my head how the one I want near me can't be. He's not even dead. People always say the best way to get over someone is get with another. Hell that's a lie. A real huge lie. And I just lived. The past couple months just made me miss him more and more. I'm empty and alone. I have no one to tell. I can't even tell him. It's all lies. I hate this. I hate being alone with my head and my heart battling each other. Everyone else is moving on, but I'm here like "hey I'm fragile". No one will ever understand this. No one goes through everything I just went through this month. I want to be in love so in love I want to be drunk in love. Never questioning anything. I want that kiss. So I never feel this feeling again... I want to give my everything to a man who wants to give me his everything. So as my last friend gets laid to rest this morning I begin to heal from the final loss. I forgive you all who have committed suicide, those of you who died in accidents or of health issues. So many of you in heaven together now. You can all watch over me and lead me to him. I want to be that rib to complete that man I'm to fit with for the rest of my life. But for now, I'm going to finish this goodbye. I need to let go of my past and let in the future. I'm tired of losing people. Tired of hurting. Tired of thinking. Tired of being alone inside my head while my heart feels this way..

Love from,
Your Favorite

PS.... I'm not SUICIDAL I'm just ending my past.... From now on fuck the past, I'm taking back my year!!!!!

Basically youre fat but you're beautiful....

Recently I heard well more like read a text from a guy.... 
He says "You're a big girl, but you're beautiful". It has been bugging the shit out of me since I heard it. How do you say that to someone you claim you fell in love with? For over a week he couldn't make up his mind what he wanted said he was taking time off from talking to me because I made him crazy he couldn't sleep etc. Then a day later he sends me a message how he figured his problem out, that he was in love with me.. Today he sends me that text. " you're a big girl, but you're beautiful". Ever since I've been turned off. 
Dude I'm not fat. I have huge tits. But hey you go find a skinny chick to fuck with the head of. Because I'll find a man who won't point out my body size. Because seriously that had to be what your problem was! You took a liking to a bigger than size 6 chick. And you can't figure out how or why. Maybe because I'm too independent and I'm not out for your fucking money. I don't give a shit how fucking rich or poor a man is. But the second you make me feel inadequate I've lost interest I your shallow shit. Yup, you were right, you're not the man for me. Because I don't want to kissing some guy then hear out his mouth "I love your fat" because no woman wants to hear it. And if she does then she is mentally fucked up. 
Then the line " I want to pretending we are something we aren't". What's that even mean? But you go onto to talking about sex. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. But either way I can't go backwards. I'm just moving forward. With or without a man beside me in bed, with or without a man beside me as I walk through my journey through life. I'm making me happy.