The thing is there comes a time in your life when you are ready to move on. I recently hit that spot. And really I can't say it is for one thing only. I am ready to move on from things and people in general. Let them all go and be free of things and people who make me sad and unbearable in my life. I have friends who I have hit a point I am sick of seeing their faces or hearing their voices. I have a job I am not happy with and a boss who is crazy. I hate going there. I hate coming home too. My kid drives me crazy. My X still is here and seems like he won't ever move on with his life and part of it is my mistake that I know. I am doing what I can to pay for bills. Seems like I will never catch up. Since I am the only one who brings income into the house. The X sits around and gets (well got ) $300 bucks a month from welfare. Even that didn't help because he smokes more than that in a month. Now he has nothing for money coming in, because he sits and waits for life to happen. But he claims he is "working on it". Well I finally hit that spot in my life if he has nothing coming into this house in 2 weeks he can pack and have his butt on a bus back to Lynn and leave me alone for good. I have enough bills I shouldn't have to pay for himto smoke and rack up bills because he won't do things the right way. I am tired and stressed. My kid in the past month I have spent $100 for her to go out. When is my turn to go out and do something? I haven't gone out and had fun for myself since tax season. Even when I do that I feel guilty because the money can be going towards bills or something more important than me getting new clothes or sneakers. It has been 2 years since I went to a movie theater. Seriously, I am sad too much. I shouldn't be like this. I have finally hit that point even though my kids birthday is this week, all she is getting is a cake and the present I bought her. She can make comments about how she wants this and that but you know what. Fuck that! I am not making her happy buying her a cellphone or giving her money to go out. My birthday comes and goes and no one ever gives me anything, not even a card. Same thing goes for the X he gets shit on his birthday and he still cheated on me and makes me feel like shit. Just someone stupid fat bitch to use and lie to. My days for caring for them and giving them what they want are over and done with. I am tired of being broke and not paying my bills. Starting this week I am going to pay my lotrent and pay one bill at a time and when the time comes, maybe just maybe I will splurge on things, but for now.. I gotta do what is right and when he wants a cigarette it is not my problem. Idon't smoke a pack in under 6 hours I shouldn't have to deal with it. I am sorry if I wasn't cheated on and lied to maybe I wouldn't be so cold towards him. I can't help he fucked up not once but twice that I know of. Then he has the balls to ask me everytime I get a text or something "What's that John?". So what if it is? Seriously, he lost the rights to know who I am talking to when he got caught the second time. I have a right to have friends. If he doesn't like it he doesn't have to be living in my house for free..He knows where the door is. Why he stays I will never know. I mean when he cheats he tells the women I am his uncle. He lied to me telling me he was going to stay at his mothers house for a night when he was with his girlfriend fucking her. I don't believe a word he says, even when he says bless you. I am holding somuch frustration in me it is ridiculous.
My boss..How can I put this politely? She is a bitch. She will say things to hurt your feelings then turn around and tell you that you can't take a joke. Lately no matter what I do I am wrong. I even sat there and covered the store last week all week opening the store at 5 am, to have her tell me I am "slacker who can't do anything right" and she told me "Just do your job", because I took out cigarettes for my coworkers so they wouldn't have to run out back when the store is busy to get supplies. She has been on this super power trip lately and it is crazy.
I tried going for a new job through Comcast for a door to door rep. the guy who came to talk to me about the job seemed cool but things he was saying when I had to to digest it all didn't seem right. He has 2 new employees who have been waiting over amonth for a badge in order to get paid. And you can't work unless you have a badge. You are to go to certain houses, but he skips the elderly houses. You get paid $25 just for entering the houses. You can get paid anywhere from $35 up to $200 per house depending on the package deal the person chooses. But you don't get paid for the purchase until a month after the installation. So even if I got a badge it can still take a month to earn money and get paid? You get paid every 2 weeks but your first check isn't for 3 weeks. No problem I can handle that. But it doesn't sound right either way you look at it. $25 just to enter a house. $35 to $200 depends on package. But you have to wait a month to get paid for the package you signed them up for. Ok so if I went into 3 houses during a week that's $75 if they sign the thing stating I entered. After taxes that's what $40? If they chose a package I have to wait for the money from that. So am I to live on $40 for 2 weeks or something? He was talking as if I can quit the job I have and hate now I can make buku bucks. But when I sit and think about it. Sounds to me like a lie. What to do what to do?..
All I know at this point is that times up and some games people are playing. Not my problem anymore. 2 weeks is 2 weeks. You all will know in 2 weeks when I come here and tell ya. Shits changed and trash was taking out...Speak with yas some more next time. And leave me your ideas or comments...Thanks
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
teens
So today I got told by a kid, I am like his big sister. He always comes to me for advice. He is a sweetheart of a kid. He works for things he wants and has a smart head on his shoulders. I know a bunch of teen girls I wish were like him. Teen girls nowadays seem to be more whiney than ever before. I am gonna make tonights blog shorter than my last, afterall I am wicked tired. Not too much to really talk about. But I am always looking for new things to chat about and new friends. So after reading my blogs feel free to leave me something to talk about. You can find me here, facebook and myspace. And if I can figure out that silly thing people keep talking about friendspot I will be there too. have a good night everyone
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
chapters in life
The chapters are supposed to end. Are they not? As the saying goes "One chapter ends, another begins". And "Where one door closes, another opens". Opportunities.. New chances to be happy. To be fulfilled. To smile with meaning. Well it seems my window or my door are stuck. Can someone please tap at the windowpane or unjam that door already? What do I need to do in order to open them or it completely?
I am not happy at my job. Well I would be if my boss wasn't my boss. Because of her I got a lousy raise. I dread going to work because I know she will be there. She is always there. She never leaves. And when she does she comes rightback. What she needs to do is do her job and then go home. Bit she can't or she won't. Everytime she goes on vacation I pray she doesn't come back. Everyday since she came backall she does is complain "Why did I come back?". Before she left she began claiming to me a coworker of mine stole money from the drawer to take her kids to the movies. To others she claimed it was me. I didn't even work that day.When I am not scheduled I do my best not to go there for anything. I work at a gas station/convienence store. Get paid diddly squat. She has no respect for her employees, yet she demands it from us. I left a job because of a bad manager. I began recently looking for a new job. I was happy there until my review and after all the extra work I put in the year previous, it was a slapin the face. I got over it enough to continue to work there because I love my coworkers and my customers. recently in the past 3 months my job has become more stress than enjoyable. So stressful I am flipping out at the people I live with . And I shouldn't be. You should enjoy going to work, but I can't be. I hope I find a new job soon. One with better pay, and better hours, soon.
Then there is the so called boyfriend. I am tired of him. He gets to run around and play house with other women. Tell them "I love you baby", kiss and hug them. But never touch me, unless he is desparate? I am sorry, but he lost my heart when he got caught cheating this last time in February. For 2 months I thought "Finally" we're getting somewhere. Meanwhile, we weren't. He was fucking my body thinking it was hers. Messed up right? Yet, she was and still is a married woman. What was he going to do? Shack up with her and her hubby? That is gross. When she found out about me, it was because she left a comment on his myspace about how she loved him and couldn't wait to see him tomorrow. I emailed her and told herhe and I were an item. She didn't care I guess, even after she left him on the side of the road on the highway at a truckstop without his heart medication. He went back to her. And they didthis for 6 weeks, It was tiring, I miscarried, I didn't go to the hospital because I had been there before I knew what to do. I didn't take care of myself. Since February when I found out about her, he kept claiming he wanted to work on us. I gave him one month. He wouldn't even be in the same room.I couldn't handle the lying to me. Now I believe every word he says to me to be a lie. I've broken it off. I was tired of asking for attention, tired of asking for sex, tired of loving a man who didn't deserve me from day one. There isn't anything there. I am true to this. I have no feelings for him. He is just an empty soul wasting away on my couch.
Another one wants me. But wouldn't do anything to be with me. I finally gave in and said there was never anything between me and the first one, he was just a friend who is dying and needed a place to stay. The other guy (we will call him Walker)when we speak he makes me happy. Even if it is a few minutes at a time here and there. I feel happy. He has his cons too. Where he doesn't want kids says he is too old. His dogs don't like cats. He seems like he is hiding something. But outside of those I think of him and get butterflies and smiles. I think of Cheater I get nothing but questions to myself of "Why I let it happen like that? Why did I fight when I could have cut ties and let him go?" Other than the fact I knew he would end up back on my steps looking like a lost puppy with no place to go.
oh let's not forget this other guy who has all kinds of girlfriends and has tried to sweet talk me. I mean yes I know I live in a trailor park (and there isnt ever anything nice said about TPs) but I sure the hell aint interested in messing with someone who likes to welcome the new residents by sleeping with them. And is divorced because he and his wife are both cheaters. Ugh, will men and women ever change?
My child wants me to get her into a school in the town I currently work in. Yes it is a better school system, Yes I'd have to get her to and from school. I am doing what I can to get her transferred and I am hoping it happens. But my thing is driving that road 2 times a day as is going to and from work is hell in the winter, but now I'm going to have to do it 4 times a day. Unless I find a job with better hours, then it won't be a problem. It's in the best interests of my child.
My family? You ask, "Where are they?" Plain and simple rundown for ya. My dad died when I was a kid around 8 yrs old. I had a sister(my kids biological mom) died 9 years ago. My mother gave up her fight for life after that. The rest of the family tried suing me for custody of my child and my belongings. They didn't even know the kid, yet they were trying to take her away from the one person who knew her. One of my brothers mollested her after my sister died, no one cared then. All of them said it was a lie. I went to court and faught against them and got restraining orders against them all, to keep her protected. I will not associate with any of them. My kid tried but she kept getting lied to, even by her cousins, so she quickly learned the apple doesn't fall from the tree. She has made her friends and mine her family. Besides one person, she has done a good job finding good family members.
You wanna know about that person huh? Quick and simple like she is. Lies was her game. That's all that ever came out her mouth and still does I am sure, even though I don't speak to her anymore. People like her say and do whatever to make her look good. She locks her boyfriends kid and her sister in their room all day, telling them they are punished because they sneezed or something stupid. She is a druggie and a whore. When he is gone, she has men over. It has been over a year since I saw her face to face, but I have seen pics of her and she has gained alot of weight. She kept claiming she was moving, yeah I'm sure that didn't happen, she can't pay her current bills...lol
Yup, I guess I did let things happen to me. But they were all mistake. And one by one the mistakes will get corrected. Things will change and I will become happy again. And I will stay happy as long as God and I keep our pact with each other. And I stay on track.
I will change jobs. I will get rid of cheater. I have let go of a bunch of useless people. I will find out if Walker is worth my time, but I will not rush into that or anything with him. I will only be friends with the resident greeter. I will walk with a smile that has meaning. I will do all I can to make my child happy, so she will grow up to enjoy life and love herself.
No more shedded tears for worthless things. I am all cried out.
I am not happy at my job. Well I would be if my boss wasn't my boss. Because of her I got a lousy raise. I dread going to work because I know she will be there. She is always there. She never leaves. And when she does she comes rightback. What she needs to do is do her job and then go home. Bit she can't or she won't. Everytime she goes on vacation I pray she doesn't come back. Everyday since she came backall she does is complain "Why did I come back?". Before she left she began claiming to me a coworker of mine stole money from the drawer to take her kids to the movies. To others she claimed it was me. I didn't even work that day.When I am not scheduled I do my best not to go there for anything. I work at a gas station/convienence store. Get paid diddly squat. She has no respect for her employees, yet she demands it from us. I left a job because of a bad manager. I began recently looking for a new job. I was happy there until my review and after all the extra work I put in the year previous, it was a slapin the face. I got over it enough to continue to work there because I love my coworkers and my customers. recently in the past 3 months my job has become more stress than enjoyable. So stressful I am flipping out at the people I live with . And I shouldn't be. You should enjoy going to work, but I can't be. I hope I find a new job soon. One with better pay, and better hours, soon.
Then there is the so called boyfriend. I am tired of him. He gets to run around and play house with other women. Tell them "I love you baby", kiss and hug them. But never touch me, unless he is desparate? I am sorry, but he lost my heart when he got caught cheating this last time in February. For 2 months I thought "Finally" we're getting somewhere. Meanwhile, we weren't. He was fucking my body thinking it was hers. Messed up right? Yet, she was and still is a married woman. What was he going to do? Shack up with her and her hubby? That is gross. When she found out about me, it was because she left a comment on his myspace about how she loved him and couldn't wait to see him tomorrow. I emailed her and told herhe and I were an item. She didn't care I guess, even after she left him on the side of the road on the highway at a truckstop without his heart medication. He went back to her. And they didthis for 6 weeks, It was tiring, I miscarried, I didn't go to the hospital because I had been there before I knew what to do. I didn't take care of myself. Since February when I found out about her, he kept claiming he wanted to work on us. I gave him one month. He wouldn't even be in the same room.I couldn't handle the lying to me. Now I believe every word he says to me to be a lie. I've broken it off. I was tired of asking for attention, tired of asking for sex, tired of loving a man who didn't deserve me from day one. There isn't anything there. I am true to this. I have no feelings for him. He is just an empty soul wasting away on my couch.
Another one wants me. But wouldn't do anything to be with me. I finally gave in and said there was never anything between me and the first one, he was just a friend who is dying and needed a place to stay. The other guy (we will call him Walker)when we speak he makes me happy. Even if it is a few minutes at a time here and there. I feel happy. He has his cons too. Where he doesn't want kids says he is too old. His dogs don't like cats. He seems like he is hiding something. But outside of those I think of him and get butterflies and smiles. I think of Cheater I get nothing but questions to myself of "Why I let it happen like that? Why did I fight when I could have cut ties and let him go?" Other than the fact I knew he would end up back on my steps looking like a lost puppy with no place to go.
oh let's not forget this other guy who has all kinds of girlfriends and has tried to sweet talk me. I mean yes I know I live in a trailor park (and there isnt ever anything nice said about TPs) but I sure the hell aint interested in messing with someone who likes to welcome the new residents by sleeping with them. And is divorced because he and his wife are both cheaters. Ugh, will men and women ever change?
My child wants me to get her into a school in the town I currently work in. Yes it is a better school system, Yes I'd have to get her to and from school. I am doing what I can to get her transferred and I am hoping it happens. But my thing is driving that road 2 times a day as is going to and from work is hell in the winter, but now I'm going to have to do it 4 times a day. Unless I find a job with better hours, then it won't be a problem. It's in the best interests of my child.
My family? You ask, "Where are they?" Plain and simple rundown for ya. My dad died when I was a kid around 8 yrs old. I had a sister(my kids biological mom) died 9 years ago. My mother gave up her fight for life after that. The rest of the family tried suing me for custody of my child and my belongings. They didn't even know the kid, yet they were trying to take her away from the one person who knew her. One of my brothers mollested her after my sister died, no one cared then. All of them said it was a lie. I went to court and faught against them and got restraining orders against them all, to keep her protected. I will not associate with any of them. My kid tried but she kept getting lied to, even by her cousins, so she quickly learned the apple doesn't fall from the tree. She has made her friends and mine her family. Besides one person, she has done a good job finding good family members.
You wanna know about that person huh? Quick and simple like she is. Lies was her game. That's all that ever came out her mouth and still does I am sure, even though I don't speak to her anymore. People like her say and do whatever to make her look good. She locks her boyfriends kid and her sister in their room all day, telling them they are punished because they sneezed or something stupid. She is a druggie and a whore. When he is gone, she has men over. It has been over a year since I saw her face to face, but I have seen pics of her and she has gained alot of weight. She kept claiming she was moving, yeah I'm sure that didn't happen, she can't pay her current bills...lol
Yup, I guess I did let things happen to me. But they were all mistake. And one by one the mistakes will get corrected. Things will change and I will become happy again. And I will stay happy as long as God and I keep our pact with each other. And I stay on track.
I will change jobs. I will get rid of cheater. I have let go of a bunch of useless people. I will find out if Walker is worth my time, but I will not rush into that or anything with him. I will only be friends with the resident greeter. I will walk with a smile that has meaning. I will do all I can to make my child happy, so she will grow up to enjoy life and love herself.
No more shedded tears for worthless things. I am all cried out.
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