Mom

Mom I don't know where exactly to start this let alone once I start how it will end. I guess I should apologize for anything bad I may have said while you were alive. Even after you passed I am sure I have said plenty of mean things about you. You know I sit back and wonder if I am or was the bad child, how come the meaner ones still hurt your Grandchild and have set fear in her soul? While I am at this, can you say Hi to a few people up there with you? And is there really an Up There? The Hi's are to both sides for Grandparents (tell Grandpa Ernie I feel so guilty for not making it there to see him before he died now I have nothing to remember him by but a charm and a picture), say Hi to Daddy (man do I miss him!) and Hi to Dawn (I still catch myself time to time missing our Thursday arguments). Mom is there a way you can tell me you forgive me for the bad I have done? I had so much hurt and anger towards you and how you treated me like I was no one and the ones in Boston were the greatest thing since sliced bread. But I had to forgive you in order for me to really start to move on. I still feel there is something holding me back from moving on and I can't figure it out. Maybe writing to you will help. Oh yeah Hi Betty! You know Ma you should have kept Grandma Irene's house in Rhode Island. Or at least kept more things from it. Then Id have more to show and share with Rain. Even at Betty's house we lost out on so much because that family in Boston had to be so greedy. That is why I ran and tried to hide. Really I would love to make peace with them, but there is no guarrantee they will be polite about it and respect boundaries. I mean I still had kari threatening me over ashes from Dad. Can you do me a favor from up there and get them to back off and get them to learn from their mistakes? I mean Rain is missing out on knowing her cousins because you raised the kids in Boston and New Hampshire to be greedy and only go out for blood and take what isn't theirs. You have got to get them to change before it is too late. At this point it is only you who can speak to them. I can't believe til this day how Stephen my own Fathers namesake treated you in the end the night before you decided enough was enough and you let go of your fight to live. Is Dawn proud of Rain? Am I doing her happy with the way I am raising her? I hope so. What is going to happen to Nathan? Can you give me a hint on how long he has? It is scary to be sitting here watching yet another person die. Another person that made me feel the way you made me feel Ma. Like I was not wanted, but in the end I am the only true one who stayed to help you. The same thing I am doing for him. I am scared to do this but what else can I do? I need to be there for him and be his friend and care for him and try to treat him better. And if people around us don't like it well it is not their problem right? Okay well I think I am beginning to figure things out slowly, but please guide me and help me make things a bit easier for the three of us in this house. And tell God to heal Ladybug and Star. It is not fair they have to go through this and I have no money and you know animal doctors rip you off and I can't afford them. Please tell me what to do and get me the money to do what I got to do to help them heal and get through all the problems I am dealing with. I need to get caught up on bills again or I am going to seriously mess up and I don't want that. I rattled on enough for now. We will talk soon I promise....