In this past year I have dealt with alot of crap. I went from being confident to lost and wanting to commit suicide. But I know I couldn't get lost or commit suicide. I have a teenage child and 8 animals who count on my being here for them. I will go for my cigarette right now and when I come back I will tell you from the beginning and that started 2 years ago, maybe a bit longer. I will even tell you some random thoughts that have come to mind over the past few months... Believe me I am not as screwed up as some people I know are... I am just the tip of the iceberg...
Ok where do I even start this? I guess I can start with leaving my job of 3 years for another job that I basically got screwed at. I felt I was being lied to by my coworker and boss at my first job. Boss kept telling me how she was going to train me to do computer work and after a year and a half of hearing it and never getting anywhere plus she and my coworker lying to me about pety crap I felt like it was time for me to move on. So I found this other job and was happy there. Felt I belonged there. But after 3 weeks the manager there began telling me how I was doing things wrong, when I wasn't like opening meats in the deli when I wasn't and missing money when I wasn't. I couldn't for the life of me figure it out at the time I was being set up. For 2 weeks I walked on eggshells there. Thanksgiving 2010 I ended being fired for missing lottery tickets and money. A couple days later I got threatening calls from the manager telling me to pay up $300 plus or else she was going to the cops. The next day I got called to go into the police station and tell my side of the story. I went in and spoke with the cop in charge told my side of the story and how I had no clue who Barb was when I started there and wished I never worked with her, because if she did this to me how many other people were getting fired for the same thing? Well apparently Barb confessed to the whole thing and she got fired and banned from the store. I still had to go to court to clear my name and even there the judge asked how I knew her and I said only from working with her and now I wish I never had to do that. Because of all that I began not trusting anyone. I still had to fight for unemployment, had to get a lawyer and fight for it because they were denying my case because according to Occonnells I stole from them. I had proof it wasnt me and after fighting for months I finally got appproved. I Got approved in April 2011, got my first unemployment check in May 2011. Things seemed to be getting better. I was finally able to pay bills. And look for a job. I am still unemployed by the way. But then my boyfriend at the time wanted to cheat on me via internet, met some chick on there from Connecticutt took off lying to me about he was going to stay at his cousin Daves house for a bit, but I knew better. He was gone for a year, lying to me about where he was, first he was at his cousin Daves then somehow ended up in Framingham, MA at his uncles house. Sadly I know by living his lies before where he told chicks he was living with his uncle (ME) that that was also a lie. He lived for a year lying about it. Then he claimed he was back at his cousins house who mysteriously moved from Stafford Springs to Willimantic somehow one week he lived in Stafford Springs the next Willimantic. But he came home and has been here since. He says things that makes me wish I had a job so I can get rid of him. But anyways. While he was gone a friend (John) lost his house and I thought I was doing the right thing by offering to let him come stay here and get things back in order for himself. But that backfired on me big time. He racked up my bills and lied to me and about me. He moved in with someone I thought was a friend, without even telling me he was moving out. The whole time he lived with me he kept telling me how my friend was no good, but then goes behind my back and moves in with her. I dont know why it took me so long to let him go, I guess the crap he put me through while he was here, threatening me and making me not want to talk to anyone of my friends and made my child feel she didnt belong in her own house. He made me feel worthless. Bad enough I already had Nate lie and walk out on me. And Nates check were cut down real bad at the same time I lost my unemployment and my car needed $1200 in order to pass inspection. My bills went unpaid for so long I had no clue how I was ever going to get out from under it all. Everything in my life seemed to be hitting the all time lowest points it could. But I was going through it all to learn some things. And I did. I learned I really need to focus on myself and my child. Stop letting others go before me. I need to get a job. Do for myself. I need to let go of people certain people in my life. I bit by bit have begun to get things better. I got help to pay off some of my rent and electricity. I got Nates checks fixed so I can finally begin to pay bills. But then in January I screwed up and told social security I had no clue where he was, I didn't really, because his phone wasnt working and he wouldn't be honest with where he was and he wasnt communicating with me. I busted ass and paid what I could pay for bills at that point with what I had for money. Slowly things are getting better. But I got so bad over the past year I wanted to commit suicide, but I didn't. Things got so bad I filed for social security, but I have since decided I am better than that. I just need a job and to get out of this funk I am in. And get things better for me and my child. I will not sit on my ass and collect social security if I got approved I wouldve been waiting forever anyways for that. And my bills need paying now, by then I could have lost my house. It's not much of a house. But it is mine and I only pay rent for the land it sits on. I know I am going to get a job and I am going to get better. I will not be like my friends who sit around and collect checks because they are drug addicts and take the easy road. I know Nathan is sick but I need a job because he wont always be around and his checks dont cover everything. I need a job so I can find new friends and maybe find myself happy again. I used to be so happy until December 2009 when I got that lousy review from my boss and cheap ass raise. Seriously I opened that store at least 6 times a month, not including my regular days I worked mornings, I mean days she had a meeting or had to go to another location to work because someone quit or got fired. There were nights I had to close because someone needed nights off and or quit on us. I would work til closing after doing my regular hours. There were times I opened the store did my regular hours and got stuck working til closing then had to be back and 430 am again to do it all over again. I would do my regular work, my coworkers share of work and my bosses job too. I busted my ass. Yes there is one joke my boss put in my review that I thought was not neccessary, she kept telling me I didnt know how to take a joke because she called me a slacker. I am not and never will be a slacker. I felt disrespected. I got a raise of 17 cents that year. Slapp in the face is what I called it. The years before my raises were 50 cents and above never ever have I been hurt by a boss before. And my last boss before would call me Mrs. Fatty Pants! Right now I look back at things I have gone through and think damn I should have been smarter. But that is why we go through things we do. I am a firm believer in Karma. And I don't like being lied to or about. John was perfect for lying to people and about me. Tracy lies constantly and wonders why her life is so messed up. I have told her too many times to stop lying and fix her life, but she wont get it. Thank God Chelseas dad gave her a car now her mom has died, because now Chelsea is Tracys slave. I will not call her or text her. If she calls or texts me I can ignore it. I don't need her drama. I have enough in my own life. It seems like people get off on lying and wondering why their lives are so messed up. I may not go to church, but I know God does not sleep. So am I normal for thinking this way? I think Johns penis should burn off his body. His mouth be sewn shut and his heart be hung in front of him for all he put me through. I think Tracy deserves the crap she keeps getting simply because that is all she talks is crap. Cheryl always in pain and looking for drugs, maybe she deserves it, calling here asking if I have pain meds like vicoden(?). I dont do any drugs, at the most I take one Aleve maybe a month. I dont sit around looking for bad. Nate he is living his own Karma out right now. I am just waitin for that day he walks out again. Hopefully by then I am working and bringing in good money so I dont have to worry about it again. I tell you this he walks out I will not talk to him again. While he is here I will be human and be nice to him and feed him and bring him to his apointments and try to get him better. But for now my goal is finding a job and getting better.. Spring is coming, so is my job!!!
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