In my life I have lost many people. One being my bestfriend, my sister. Another being my hero, my Dad. My Dad died 2 days before his birthday, February 3rd, 1986. My sister died on his birthday, February 5th, 2002. Right now the one person I want near me doesn't want to be near me. I was trying my hardest not to think of this month or the anniversaries of two of the greatest people I've ever known. But I'm getting pissed off at people. Can't stand people being so close to me. Every year I'm so used to being alone and keeping busy so I won't have to think. Think about people I can't see face to face nor pick up the phone and call. The things they miss out on because they can't be here physically. My sister didn't get to be here and raise her daughter to the beautiful woman she has become. My Dad didn't get to be here guiding me either. I wish the one person I want to walk through life with would change his mind and come here and hold me up. Or at least give me a dry tissue. I know I have a box right next to me, but it's the thought he'd walk over grab a tissue and hand it to me that counts.
I can barely remember much about my dad. Seriously, what I remember... He worked at Sherwin Williams, he brought me to the children's museum in Boston when I was a kid, showed me the bunnies and the big telephone, my hand got shut in the car door he walked with me on the beach at nantaskett he found a rock it was flat and rock he told me the story of how the indians would rub the rocks and the pain would go away, we moved to Maine, he became a radio DJ and died.. The night he died he made me a promise he didn't keep... "Down and back, I'll be right back. I promise. Just going for a jar of sauce". He died on the stores floor. The nightmares began that night. Aliens coming and killing people, me hiding under the bed and my dad coming and saying " it's okay", but it wasn't. Never will be okay again... He will never get to hear kids calling him "geepa". Never walk me down the aisle if I ever get married...he will never dance with me again, eat pepperoni or sardines with mustard on crackers again, never drink beer or watch baseball with me again, most of all he won't ever hug me again..
My sister, I'm beginning to forget a lot about her too. Seriously I don't remember anything with her when we were kids. I know she was there. Just don't remember it. What I remember is as teens we would skip school together, go to Chinatown and to the movies, we'd walk Carson beach with friends, go to Sam Goody's and Woolworth's and check dudes out, I remember being at the frog pond the day she met Rains father with Becky, shain and Dmae. I remember hanging with her and Mona at the park on a hot summers night drinking a 40, her getting me to smoke pot that one time I hallucinated my dad was in front of me me begging him to help me up the stairs, I remember she hit a stage where she wouldn't go anywhere, her passing out on the train after she and I went walking downtown I swore up and down she was pregnant, low and behold few months later Rain was born. I feel I'm partly to blame for her being dead. If I didn't yell "she thinks you're cute" she wouldn't have met rains father, she wouldn't have been abused and ultimately murdered by him. Dawn is losing out on so much of her daughters growing up. Like her first crush, first kiss, first drivers lesson, her graduation next year, her daughter falling in love and getting married. Her grandkids.
They miss out on so much stuff.
I wanted to fall in love with a guy just like the 3 men who meant so much to me. My dad and my grandfathers. They were the last of the good men. Or so I thought. I wanted a guy who was kind heart, handsome, sweet, sincere, caring, loving, who would fight for me, fight with me and make up by bringing me a flower and talking with me, a man who had taste in suits, wore nice hats, gambled yet knew when to quit. I wanted a hard working man who came home to lay in bed with me every night. Until his dying day. I wanted a man who would love me loving him. I thought I met him. No, I know I met him. Even with all the miles in between us. We met. But then he disappeared just as fast as he came into my life. Now tonight instead of being held by loving arms while I'm crying I lay here alone. Never understanding truly what happened to pull him away so fast. Just wish God would bring him back to me... With him I felt alive. With him I felt happy inside and out. With him I learned to fall in love with my soul. I miss him. I miss me. I miss us...he will never know how much he effected me, just like my dad, just like my sister... He's gone too...
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