Why the confusion???

      The story can be a wonderful story. But, it is so full of chaos and drama and he put the blame on her and made her feel she did all the wrong. When in fact it was him. But yet for some odd reason she still clings to hope that he truly wants her. Even taken time off something brings them back together and it seems the same as last year. He confesses he's got a lot of ladies for attention, but says he only wants her. But yet tells her good-bye. Leaving her speechless on what to think. He says she's too much for him. Yes, she's been broken by her past and even by him. She's lived through attempted murder and abuse. Yet, she wants to be loved. Close to settling for just sex she finds it in herself to realize she deserves a man who will love her inside and out. No matter how hard she is to love. She deserves a man who will teach her to trust humankind again. Not one who will continue to make her question every mans intention with her. She may be broken. But she's been gluing herself back together piece by piece. Hoping one day he will come along. A challenge she is, for the right man she will be a blessing. He just needs to accept her and all she really needs from him is a hug. To feel safe. To know she can put her guards down. But, why is he so confused? He says he has many ladies wanting his attention but to him she is the special one. Then tells her peace. If she questions him about it he'd say she was wrong. Wouldn't be the first time either. Why is she so drawn to him? 

Why was it so confusing?

For so long my life was a broken road with many potholes. I thought people were my friends. The guys I dated never loved me.  Over time I realized I was wrong. Take for instance my ex Nate. He was abusive and ruined me so much I felt ugly even in my favorite dress.  But getting him out my house once and for all, I finally began looking at every person who I knew past and present. And I realized not everyone was my friend. I mean there's a reason why I have nothing to do with my family. I mean besides the fact they're child molesters and murderers and drug addicts. I got better things to do with my life. People who did love me left me through death. The honest ones who cared for me. Yeah a few grew apart from me or o grew apart from them on my own terms.

              But that was life. I had to learn my purpose on this Earth. I'm 40, now. Still not sure what my purpose is. My heart says "Go for it". But, my brain says " How?". My heart desires to have my restaurant. It's like a craving. But it has been going on for so many years. Too many years. I always fantasized that I'd meet that guy who wanted to help me fulfill my dreams and make me happy. Telling me to open my restaurant and he'd give me start up funding but after that it will be my butt paying for things I needed to run it. I know the location I'd have it too. Right on Rt. 9. I'd serve real homemade food. Nothing too froufrou and not boring. Good food for cheap. I'd have a playground like the ones anyone over 30 would remember growing up playing in, for the kids to play outside while dinner was cooking or lunch or breakfast. Family friendly. I'd have a free table for homeless or less fortunate who can't afford to eat. I'd hire people who need the job and elderly who don't want to quit working but the companies they worked for forced them out because of their age. The walls will be lined with bench seats and seats at the counter as well as 4 extra tables in the middle. Enough space for everyone no matter their size to feel comfortable.

But I got off topic when I went into my desire. The people I grew apart from were rich and poor, straight and gay addicts of every form and clean no drugs type. People with diseases people without. They all had their purpose in my life. Some to help me remove others. Some to help me see the better picture ahead of me. Some were there to lead me to the ones meant to be with me in my journeys through life. I always said I could never hate a person. It's not biblical to hate someone. But it is human to feel animosity and anger, which in turn can look like hatred. But it's not. No I don't hate any of you. I hate what you put me through and how you made me feel. But I don't hate those of you are impotent and lie and cheat you way through life, just so you can feel good inside because either you're ugly. Inside and out.

Even now, I look at the present and think of the confusion I've been going through. I walked into a building trying to figure out my future with the building and things inside of it. I was once so excited about going in there. Slowly I kept getting hints I didn't belong in there. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to go about ending my relation with the company in that building. I've had the nightmare last night that put it the nail in the coffin. Waking up crying I made a mistake with someone thinking he's upset with me. More like mad as hell at me. And both things were synced together in the dream. I don't know why either. But I hope I figure it out soon. This is driving me crazy.


I'll keep you posted..

To my sister...

Dear Dawn..
16 years ago we had an argument on a Thursday night. Our usual thing. Had I known that that would be our last argument I would've made it last longer. I would've forced you to sit and eat that fucking chocolate ice cream in the kitchen with me. I would've explained how the only jealousy I had towards you back then was not of the guy who punched you in the face or ripped your hair out in bunches or made your lip bleed. But of that beautiful baby you gave me to raise. Knowing my own battles I fought to survive what I did years before. I'd do it again to protect you and Rain. I'd fight harder to make you see you had to get away from the family and from Nate. But you couldn't.
You're up there with Dad. There are times I sit in envy of that. But I'm not ready to die and give up what I have here. I couldn't basically walk away the gift of children whether it be human or covered in fur. Can you please tell my Daddy, I'm sorry? I'm sorry because I'm forgetting him. I can remember sardine sandwiches and beer with him and Grandpa watching the Sox. I can remember him at the children's museum at the big telephone then bubbles and the bunnies. I can remember him handing me the rock (I still have til this day) and telling me the story about the Indians and how when they were in pain they'd rub the flat round rock and pray. I can remember Stephen and Chris telling us Dad died falling from a train at Ashmont Station on his way home from work, when they picked us up from CCD. Even though it was a joke. The nights he'd bring home Spukies. And when Robbie was attacked by the neighbors dogs and Mom was at the hospital Dad let me sleep with him because I was scared. In the blink of an eye the only memory I have after that is the night he died. February 3, 1986, he told me he was going for just a jar of sauce he'd be right back, down and back. I kept crying and begging him to take me with him. But he wouldn't. The night he really died. On the convenience store floor. People standing around him not helping and pushing those who tried to help away so he'd die. Dawn. I can't remember him. I feel sad. I feel bad. You get to see him everyday. And here I am I am just forgetting him.
Dawn I can't forget you. No matter how I try to. I can't. I look at Rain and I see you. My best friend. I think if Nate didn't murder you you'd still be here with two kids. I held that secret in for so many years. This year when I blurted it out at Rain. Seeing how James and his actions and how he was treating her reminded me so much of you. I felt I was fighting with you. Trying to get you to not settle because you think you don't deserve better. I often wonder if you were alive today, where would you be? What you'd be doing? Would I be up north or down or even out west?
                    That family fucked me up so much. All those years of abuse mentally and physically. I don't trust them. So sad too because they lost out on Rain and her cousins growing up together. Life went on. And it still does. 16 years of you being gone. February 3, 2002 we brought you into the hospital. February 5, 2002 you died. Two hard days for before you died became even harder then. Dads date of death and what would be his birthday if he was still alive. When Mom died, did she apologize to him? Did they reunite and still love each other? Or did she end up with one of her other guys? I always wondered stuff like that. You know me, always crazy thinking lol. Thirty two years no Daddy. Sixteen years no Big Sister. Yeah there's Kari. But she's still a stranger to me. Even with all her "I want to be family and move passed all that". All these years without her being on my side. All of a sudden she wants to be here. But no real effort. Only time she contacts me is about the inheritance money. Its been a couple weeks since she last spoke to me too. I don't know what to believe with her. She was never really there before you died and never there to help care for our mother while she was dying. Came in the picture after trying all that stuff and hurting Rain. So I built walks to protect your baby. I was damn sure not going to let them hurt her like they did you and me.
Oh you'd be so proud of Rain. Everything she's done and gone through. Sadly she's a animal hoarder and doesn't like to take care of herself. I think she's trying to fill some void in her life because she's not happy about something and thinks she has to buy every rat and mouse she sees now. I wish she'd stop. It's not healthy. She needs to do more with her life. Yes, she works part time and drives James to and from work. But I think she's bored and misses her friends who seem to never want to hang out anymore. But she's alive and doing what she has to for now. I love her. Always have and always will. But honestly if I could go back 22 years I would've talked harder into getting you to move south with me.
I'm a rambling chick right now. I'm tired. Can you do me a favor and help me out with a few issues we got going on right now? You know what they are. Things need fixing. Need money to fix things and replace things and buy a second car. Fix up the one we have now too. The roof, the kitchen the appliances. I want to get things set for Rain and James so they can breathe and start life on their own being able to put money away for a rainy day. Or take a vacation with no worries. While you're doing all this help me figure out which guy goes where. Tell Mom I'm sorry for all the bad times before and after.

January 28th, 2018

Sunday first thing in the morning. I lie in bed and find my cellphone beeping from a text received. After reading it, it took me awhile to decide to respond. The texter hurt me before after years of flirting I confessed I wanted more. Only to be rejected.  He played me and my feelings for so long. Just to shut the door in my face. Now after all this time he's texting me? Basically telling me he's horny and wants a friends with benefits situation with me. See I'm a damn good woman. I know my limits. Usually I'd ignore crap like that and move on. But, I played his game and got sucked in some by him. I already decided this year I was going to be saying Yes to more things. Even though that was my idea for this year, I can not for the life of me figure out how to just fuck a guy. Friend or not? To me I know I deserve better. I deserve the whole package. I led him to believe I'd be down to fucvk, but then I flipped it all and began saying things to him to see if he'd catch that I wouldn't go there with him? I don't think he likes rejection. He is after all a pretty boy. And we all how they doing like being told no. But I did tell him I'd text if I ever wanted to have sex with him. I know I wouldn't go there with him. Since then I have lost sleep. Why? I don't get it. Why can't I just shut him out this time? I already texted him to tell him I deserve better and I can't believe hge thought so little about me. And there's Tinder for guys like him. I know I will Never get an apology from him. Why do I attract guys like him? I moved on. I wished so hard for awhile he was the good guy I once thought he was.
 But dreams die fast. I would love to hear him say I am sorry. I never meant to disrespect you. He even said he'd never mess with me.  That's  the last thing he would try and do. But he did just that. Even if he didn't do it subconsciously, he still did it. Weird thing is, I'm not hurt like I was a few months ago. Now, I'm actually insulted and disrespected. That makes me mad. I want to hate him. But really I can't hate him. He used my words against me. But my words were "stop being afraid to go after good strong desires and have fun and be with someone and only one". Because he used the words " you deserve better, I'm a loose cannon around women". He basically tried persuading me by turning my words around just so he can fuck me and be gone. 
Sadly for him he got to walk around with blue balls for the day. Honestly if he was truly in my area as he said he was and if he showed up here and instead of saying anything and just began kissing me I'm sure something may have happened. But instead he just texted. Now I think of it, maybe he was just being cowardly about it. Some of the stuff he was saying was signs he had feelings but scared to do anything about it. If I'm going to just fuck a guy any guy, I'd do it without kissing on the lips and forehead. Kissing the lips leads to feelings growing inside your heart. A guy kisses your forehead when he's in love with you. With him. I don't think he could hold himself back from kissing me on the lips or forehead. Neck is fine, shoulders fine, stomach fine, breasts and cleavage fine. But you kiss the mouth or forehead, there's more to it. I can't risk that for any guy who is not ready to be with me for real. I am a damn good woman and I deserve more than just to be fucked. Don't get me wrong, I could use a good hard fuck. Who is human wouldn't? I'd love for this to be just a misunderstanding. But, even though I don't know everything about him. I do know him. I too was once afraid. After all it just took me a few years to fix my life. Last year was a very tough year. Restarting my life. 
This year? I'm ready for real strong love. Whether it be the guy getting out of prison with no honest promise of staying good, or it be this guy or another guy. I will be swept off my feet this year. Ultimately when I least expect it really. And since I truly honestly don't expect anything good during Valentine month after all these years of never liking the month I enter it accepting whatever God and His Angels send me. 
Honest to B. If somehow you ever read this. In my heart I am truly deeply sorry for giving you a taste of your own medicine. It is not right. I'm hurt for hurting you in return. I forgive myself. Even though you'd never say it I do forgive you. You're just a confused puppy needing a home. I am sorry.