To my sister...

Dear Dawn..
16 years ago we had an argument on a Thursday night. Our usual thing. Had I known that that would be our last argument I would've made it last longer. I would've forced you to sit and eat that fucking chocolate ice cream in the kitchen with me. I would've explained how the only jealousy I had towards you back then was not of the guy who punched you in the face or ripped your hair out in bunches or made your lip bleed. But of that beautiful baby you gave me to raise. Knowing my own battles I fought to survive what I did years before. I'd do it again to protect you and Rain. I'd fight harder to make you see you had to get away from the family and from Nate. But you couldn't.
You're up there with Dad. There are times I sit in envy of that. But I'm not ready to die and give up what I have here. I couldn't basically walk away the gift of children whether it be human or covered in fur. Can you please tell my Daddy, I'm sorry? I'm sorry because I'm forgetting him. I can remember sardine sandwiches and beer with him and Grandpa watching the Sox. I can remember him at the children's museum at the big telephone then bubbles and the bunnies. I can remember him handing me the rock (I still have til this day) and telling me the story about the Indians and how when they were in pain they'd rub the flat round rock and pray. I can remember Stephen and Chris telling us Dad died falling from a train at Ashmont Station on his way home from work, when they picked us up from CCD. Even though it was a joke. The nights he'd bring home Spukies. And when Robbie was attacked by the neighbors dogs and Mom was at the hospital Dad let me sleep with him because I was scared. In the blink of an eye the only memory I have after that is the night he died. February 3, 1986, he told me he was going for just a jar of sauce he'd be right back, down and back. I kept crying and begging him to take me with him. But he wouldn't. The night he really died. On the convenience store floor. People standing around him not helping and pushing those who tried to help away so he'd die. Dawn. I can't remember him. I feel sad. I feel bad. You get to see him everyday. And here I am I am just forgetting him.
Dawn I can't forget you. No matter how I try to. I can't. I look at Rain and I see you. My best friend. I think if Nate didn't murder you you'd still be here with two kids. I held that secret in for so many years. This year when I blurted it out at Rain. Seeing how James and his actions and how he was treating her reminded me so much of you. I felt I was fighting with you. Trying to get you to not settle because you think you don't deserve better. I often wonder if you were alive today, where would you be? What you'd be doing? Would I be up north or down or even out west?
                    That family fucked me up so much. All those years of abuse mentally and physically. I don't trust them. So sad too because they lost out on Rain and her cousins growing up together. Life went on. And it still does. 16 years of you being gone. February 3, 2002 we brought you into the hospital. February 5, 2002 you died. Two hard days for before you died became even harder then. Dads date of death and what would be his birthday if he was still alive. When Mom died, did she apologize to him? Did they reunite and still love each other? Or did she end up with one of her other guys? I always wondered stuff like that. You know me, always crazy thinking lol. Thirty two years no Daddy. Sixteen years no Big Sister. Yeah there's Kari. But she's still a stranger to me. Even with all her "I want to be family and move passed all that". All these years without her being on my side. All of a sudden she wants to be here. But no real effort. Only time she contacts me is about the inheritance money. Its been a couple weeks since she last spoke to me too. I don't know what to believe with her. She was never really there before you died and never there to help care for our mother while she was dying. Came in the picture after trying all that stuff and hurting Rain. So I built walks to protect your baby. I was damn sure not going to let them hurt her like they did you and me.
Oh you'd be so proud of Rain. Everything she's done and gone through. Sadly she's a animal hoarder and doesn't like to take care of herself. I think she's trying to fill some void in her life because she's not happy about something and thinks she has to buy every rat and mouse she sees now. I wish she'd stop. It's not healthy. She needs to do more with her life. Yes, she works part time and drives James to and from work. But I think she's bored and misses her friends who seem to never want to hang out anymore. But she's alive and doing what she has to for now. I love her. Always have and always will. But honestly if I could go back 22 years I would've talked harder into getting you to move south with me.
I'm a rambling chick right now. I'm tired. Can you do me a favor and help me out with a few issues we got going on right now? You know what they are. Things need fixing. Need money to fix things and replace things and buy a second car. Fix up the one we have now too. The roof, the kitchen the appliances. I want to get things set for Rain and James so they can breathe and start life on their own being able to put money away for a rainy day. Or take a vacation with no worries. While you're doing all this help me figure out which guy goes where. Tell Mom I'm sorry for all the bad times before and after.