Sunday first thing in the morning. I lie in bed and find my cellphone beeping from a text received. After reading it, it took me awhile to decide to respond. The texter hurt me before after years of flirting I confessed I wanted more. Only to be rejected. He played me and my feelings for so long. Just to shut the door in my face. Now after all this time he's texting me? Basically telling me he's horny and wants a friends with benefits situation with me. See I'm a damn good woman. I know my limits. Usually I'd ignore crap like that and move on. But, I played his game and got sucked in some by him. I already decided this year I was going to be saying Yes to more things. Even though that was my idea for this year, I can not for the life of me figure out how to just fuck a guy. Friend or not? To me I know I deserve better. I deserve the whole package. I led him to believe I'd be down to fucvk, but then I flipped it all and began saying things to him to see if he'd catch that I wouldn't go there with him? I don't think he likes rejection. He is after all a pretty boy. And we all how they doing like being told no. But I did tell him I'd text if I ever wanted to have sex with him. I know I wouldn't go there with him. Since then I have lost sleep. Why? I don't get it. Why can't I just shut him out this time? I already texted him to tell him I deserve better and I can't believe hge thought so little about me. And there's Tinder for guys like him. I know I will Never get an apology from him. Why do I attract guys like him? I moved on. I wished so hard for awhile he was the good guy I once thought he was.
But dreams die fast. I would love to hear him say I am sorry. I never meant to disrespect you. He even said he'd never mess with me. That's the last thing he would try and do. But he did just that. Even if he didn't do it subconsciously, he still did it. Weird thing is, I'm not hurt like I was a few months ago. Now, I'm actually insulted and disrespected. That makes me mad. I want to hate him. But really I can't hate him. He used my words against me. But my words were "stop being afraid to go after good strong desires and have fun and be with someone and only one". Because he used the words " you deserve better, I'm a loose cannon around women". He basically tried persuading me by turning my words around just so he can fuck me and be gone.
Sadly for him he got to walk around with blue balls for the day. Honestly if he was truly in my area as he said he was and if he showed up here and instead of saying anything and just began kissing me I'm sure something may have happened. But instead he just texted. Now I think of it, maybe he was just being cowardly about it. Some of the stuff he was saying was signs he had feelings but scared to do anything about it. If I'm going to just fuck a guy any guy, I'd do it without kissing on the lips and forehead. Kissing the lips leads to feelings growing inside your heart. A guy kisses your forehead when he's in love with you. With him. I don't think he could hold himself back from kissing me on the lips or forehead. Neck is fine, shoulders fine, stomach fine, breasts and cleavage fine. But you kiss the mouth or forehead, there's more to it. I can't risk that for any guy who is not ready to be with me for real. I am a damn good woman and I deserve more than just to be fucked. Don't get me wrong, I could use a good hard fuck. Who is human wouldn't? I'd love for this to be just a misunderstanding. But, even though I don't know everything about him. I do know him. I too was once afraid. After all it just took me a few years to fix my life. Last year was a very tough year. Restarting my life.
This year? I'm ready for real strong love. Whether it be the guy getting out of prison with no honest promise of staying good, or it be this guy or another guy. I will be swept off my feet this year. Ultimately when I least expect it really. And since I truly honestly don't expect anything good during Valentine month after all these years of never liking the month I enter it accepting whatever God and His Angels send me.
Honest to B. If somehow you ever read this. In my heart I am truly deeply sorry for giving you a taste of your own medicine. It is not right. I'm hurt for hurting you in return. I forgive myself. Even though you'd never say it I do forgive you. You're just a confused puppy needing a home. I am sorry.
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