To my sister...

Dear Dawn..
16 years ago we had an argument on a Thursday night. Our usual thing. Had I known that that would be our last argument I would've made it last longer. I would've forced you to sit and eat that fucking chocolate ice cream in the kitchen with me. I would've explained how the only jealousy I had towards you back then was not of the guy who punched you in the face or ripped your hair out in bunches or made your lip bleed. But of that beautiful baby you gave me to raise. Knowing my own battles I fought to survive what I did years before. I'd do it again to protect you and Rain. I'd fight harder to make you see you had to get away from the family and from Nate. But you couldn't.
You're up there with Dad. There are times I sit in envy of that. But I'm not ready to die and give up what I have here. I couldn't basically walk away the gift of children whether it be human or covered in fur. Can you please tell my Daddy, I'm sorry? I'm sorry because I'm forgetting him. I can remember sardine sandwiches and beer with him and Grandpa watching the Sox. I can remember him at the children's museum at the big telephone then bubbles and the bunnies. I can remember him handing me the rock (I still have til this day) and telling me the story about the Indians and how when they were in pain they'd rub the flat round rock and pray. I can remember Stephen and Chris telling us Dad died falling from a train at Ashmont Station on his way home from work, when they picked us up from CCD. Even though it was a joke. The nights he'd bring home Spukies. And when Robbie was attacked by the neighbors dogs and Mom was at the hospital Dad let me sleep with him because I was scared. In the blink of an eye the only memory I have after that is the night he died. February 3, 1986, he told me he was going for just a jar of sauce he'd be right back, down and back. I kept crying and begging him to take me with him. But he wouldn't. The night he really died. On the convenience store floor. People standing around him not helping and pushing those who tried to help away so he'd die. Dawn. I can't remember him. I feel sad. I feel bad. You get to see him everyday. And here I am I am just forgetting him.
Dawn I can't forget you. No matter how I try to. I can't. I look at Rain and I see you. My best friend. I think if Nate didn't murder you you'd still be here with two kids. I held that secret in for so many years. This year when I blurted it out at Rain. Seeing how James and his actions and how he was treating her reminded me so much of you. I felt I was fighting with you. Trying to get you to not settle because you think you don't deserve better. I often wonder if you were alive today, where would you be? What you'd be doing? Would I be up north or down or even out west?
                    That family fucked me up so much. All those years of abuse mentally and physically. I don't trust them. So sad too because they lost out on Rain and her cousins growing up together. Life went on. And it still does. 16 years of you being gone. February 3, 2002 we brought you into the hospital. February 5, 2002 you died. Two hard days for before you died became even harder then. Dads date of death and what would be his birthday if he was still alive. When Mom died, did she apologize to him? Did they reunite and still love each other? Or did she end up with one of her other guys? I always wondered stuff like that. You know me, always crazy thinking lol. Thirty two years no Daddy. Sixteen years no Big Sister. Yeah there's Kari. But she's still a stranger to me. Even with all her "I want to be family and move passed all that". All these years without her being on my side. All of a sudden she wants to be here. But no real effort. Only time she contacts me is about the inheritance money. Its been a couple weeks since she last spoke to me too. I don't know what to believe with her. She was never really there before you died and never there to help care for our mother while she was dying. Came in the picture after trying all that stuff and hurting Rain. So I built walks to protect your baby. I was damn sure not going to let them hurt her like they did you and me.
Oh you'd be so proud of Rain. Everything she's done and gone through. Sadly she's a animal hoarder and doesn't like to take care of herself. I think she's trying to fill some void in her life because she's not happy about something and thinks she has to buy every rat and mouse she sees now. I wish she'd stop. It's not healthy. She needs to do more with her life. Yes, she works part time and drives James to and from work. But I think she's bored and misses her friends who seem to never want to hang out anymore. But she's alive and doing what she has to for now. I love her. Always have and always will. But honestly if I could go back 22 years I would've talked harder into getting you to move south with me.
I'm a rambling chick right now. I'm tired. Can you do me a favor and help me out with a few issues we got going on right now? You know what they are. Things need fixing. Need money to fix things and replace things and buy a second car. Fix up the one we have now too. The roof, the kitchen the appliances. I want to get things set for Rain and James so they can breathe and start life on their own being able to put money away for a rainy day. Or take a vacation with no worries. While you're doing all this help me figure out which guy goes where. Tell Mom I'm sorry for all the bad times before and after.

January 28th, 2018

Sunday first thing in the morning. I lie in bed and find my cellphone beeping from a text received. After reading it, it took me awhile to decide to respond. The texter hurt me before after years of flirting I confessed I wanted more. Only to be rejected.  He played me and my feelings for so long. Just to shut the door in my face. Now after all this time he's texting me? Basically telling me he's horny and wants a friends with benefits situation with me. See I'm a damn good woman. I know my limits. Usually I'd ignore crap like that and move on. But, I played his game and got sucked in some by him. I already decided this year I was going to be saying Yes to more things. Even though that was my idea for this year, I can not for the life of me figure out how to just fuck a guy. Friend or not? To me I know I deserve better. I deserve the whole package. I led him to believe I'd be down to fucvk, but then I flipped it all and began saying things to him to see if he'd catch that I wouldn't go there with him? I don't think he likes rejection. He is after all a pretty boy. And we all how they doing like being told no. But I did tell him I'd text if I ever wanted to have sex with him. I know I wouldn't go there with him. Since then I have lost sleep. Why? I don't get it. Why can't I just shut him out this time? I already texted him to tell him I deserve better and I can't believe hge thought so little about me. And there's Tinder for guys like him. I know I will Never get an apology from him. Why do I attract guys like him? I moved on. I wished so hard for awhile he was the good guy I once thought he was.
 But dreams die fast. I would love to hear him say I am sorry. I never meant to disrespect you. He even said he'd never mess with me.  That's  the last thing he would try and do. But he did just that. Even if he didn't do it subconsciously, he still did it. Weird thing is, I'm not hurt like I was a few months ago. Now, I'm actually insulted and disrespected. That makes me mad. I want to hate him. But really I can't hate him. He used my words against me. But my words were "stop being afraid to go after good strong desires and have fun and be with someone and only one". Because he used the words " you deserve better, I'm a loose cannon around women". He basically tried persuading me by turning my words around just so he can fuck me and be gone. 
Sadly for him he got to walk around with blue balls for the day. Honestly if he was truly in my area as he said he was and if he showed up here and instead of saying anything and just began kissing me I'm sure something may have happened. But instead he just texted. Now I think of it, maybe he was just being cowardly about it. Some of the stuff he was saying was signs he had feelings but scared to do anything about it. If I'm going to just fuck a guy any guy, I'd do it without kissing on the lips and forehead. Kissing the lips leads to feelings growing inside your heart. A guy kisses your forehead when he's in love with you. With him. I don't think he could hold himself back from kissing me on the lips or forehead. Neck is fine, shoulders fine, stomach fine, breasts and cleavage fine. But you kiss the mouth or forehead, there's more to it. I can't risk that for any guy who is not ready to be with me for real. I am a damn good woman and I deserve more than just to be fucked. Don't get me wrong, I could use a good hard fuck. Who is human wouldn't? I'd love for this to be just a misunderstanding. But, even though I don't know everything about him. I do know him. I too was once afraid. After all it just took me a few years to fix my life. Last year was a very tough year. Restarting my life. 
This year? I'm ready for real strong love. Whether it be the guy getting out of prison with no honest promise of staying good, or it be this guy or another guy. I will be swept off my feet this year. Ultimately when I least expect it really. And since I truly honestly don't expect anything good during Valentine month after all these years of never liking the month I enter it accepting whatever God and His Angels send me. 
Honest to B. If somehow you ever read this. In my heart I am truly deeply sorry for giving you a taste of your own medicine. It is not right. I'm hurt for hurting you in return. I forgive myself. Even though you'd never say it I do forgive you. You're just a confused puppy needing a home. I am sorry. 

Martin?

Was that truly your name? You were fast to get rid of your email and Hangouts. You made it seem like I was some enemy by saying what I had to say. I can't hold you back from your school. You're here on a visa. You don't need me as a distraction. I had no problem being a friend.
I've had my fare share of abusive relationships. I'm a handful for any guy taken on anything with me. Whether it is a friend ship or a relationship. I can't feel like I'm being rushed or smothered.
I know you read these. You said you were reading these. Don't think of me as an enemy. I'm far from that. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you waste it on someone my age? I'm old enough to be your mother.
I'm not rich. Far from it. Im facing eviction from my own house. Because I quit a job to get away from an abusive person who denied what he was doing. My life is full of chaos right now. That's why I pull back from anyone right now. I pulled back from friends who have known me years. No one knows what's going on. Basically because I doubt anyone would care and anyone would help. I will get it taken care.
I need to focus on being positive. I have gone through a lot. And how you spoke to me that last night. It just made me pull back further. I shouldn't be made to feel wrong fir something I said. Been there, done that. Like you said let's move forward.

Made changes for the better..

I couldn't take the pain of walking around dead anymore. So, I faught back. It pissed people off. But now I'm happy and breathing and living again. Those who got mad were the ones who were hurting me and I was getting rid of. I struggled to pay off my debt, so I wouldn't have to worry once I got rid of one person who wanted me dead. He was so abusive to me. He denied it too long. He thought I was screwing myself over when I cut ties. But in the end it was him who lost out. Good luck to the people he's with now. I will never let him back in my life. I'm too good for that. He doesn't deserve my frienship either. He lies about being sick and dying. He sucks you in feeling sorry for him. He pretends to be other people on Facebook. Many accounts he has under fake names and pictures. As I find them I block them. I blocked all his calls on my phone. He told me his cellphone was stolen lol no he changed his number and pretended to be some guy lol too funny. Trying to hold onto me because I took care of his ass for 11 years. Imagine how beautiful my life would have been if I just kicked him to the curb years ago instead if being a soft thinking he was dying. Problem was he never did. He would shut up once he got questioned too much about when he supposed to have had a bad heart or when he claimed to have cancer. You can write a book about how crazy this guy was. I'm glad he's gone. I have many unread emails from him. I'm sure they're mostly threats of how I'm a bitch and treated him wrong and he's going to ruin my life. He did that for years. He's just mad I took my life back. Anyways, my life is way better now. No guy will ever do that to me again. Enjoy your day y'all...

False hope B...

I guess chrome didn't want me to publish my story. It messed up and deleted everything I had written. About to hit save and it stopped working. I'm still upset at you B. Before I started typing on here, I had it pictured in my head I'd call out your name and your company. But as I started typing I just typed out the lies you said and how upset at you I am. You lied about the job. You lost antiques your friend, employee stole from me. Your other employee was half here and half gone. When he was here he hardly worked. He did a shotty job. Broke things to have more things to repair so y'all would get more money. The job was supposed to be 3-4 days ended up being over ten weeks long. You were a lot of talk when N was here. He is gone then you stop talking. It's been over a month and you haven't repaired the spot in my ceiling that's leaking. So I gave you the text that you can forget about it. You'll never do it. You are just one guy who likes to talk alot of bullshit. I get it. You have your pretty clean white house with no problems. I gave up alot of the years. But I am slowly gaining my life back. I don't need you. I wanted you. Big difference. I didn't screw it up. I figured that out. It wasn't me. It couldn't be me. You were the one that was a lot of talk. Shit, I finally got rid of N and have been fixing shit he broke on me replacing things he threw away on me paying off debt he caused me. If you can't handle my crazy, that's fine. You should have said so. But I am done letting guys talk shit that's not true to me. I deserve a damn good man. I am a damn good woman. I don't deserve liars, cheaters alcoholics nor drug addicts. And I'm sure you fall into one or two of these categories. Fuck I'm turning 40 in July. I don't have time for big boys and their lies. If you can't be honest with me I don't have time for you. I'm not rich in money. But I am rich in many other ways. I need a man who will compliment my life. Not detract from it. So you take your expensive house and your lousy business techniques and you enjoy life. I'll figure out my roof. After all this is my year to find a good man that will accept all the bullshit I've just been through and move on with my life. Take care of yourself. don't overwork your life in your life you forget to live. Because you'll hit that spot in your life you'll wonder why you didn't do all those things you said you'd do. Go take care of your desires. I'm not mad at you. I'm upset at you. There's a difference. You let me down.

There's a difference between guys and men... No?

So far in my life I've met mostly guys. The few men I met were good men who were married to good women. Well minus one who married the wrong woman because she made him believe she was pregnant with his baby.
But anyways. Guys say all the right stuff to get you to listen. But they have absolutely no clue what to do with it. So they jerk off and leave after 3 pumps. Claim the girls psycho or too clingy. Men do the job right and stick around. Guys call women cows. Men call them ladies. Men do not cheat. Guys do. Men do not manipulate. Guys do.
Here's some guys for you.
Nate. Lies, cheater, neglects the one he's "dating" and living with to lie to another saying he lives with his uncle. she gave up on him years ago. But he just won't leave. Blamed her for everything wrong. When it's not her fault he was like that before she met him. If she knew before what she learned she would have never given him the time of day.  Now he's living his karma for all his wrong doings. Breathing problems and no one here trusting him.
John... Haha sorry just pictured how he looks now. Fat, toothless, bald, ugly. He got his karma. Over compensating turns out to be the worst thing you can do. He over compensated because he was a major problem to anyone who met him. I'm glad he left. I'm glad to not have anything to do with him anymore either.
Matthew... I'm glad he didn't last long either. Full of life and deceit. His poor girlfriend. She deserves way better. Im glad he's not near me. I have been through enough with lying people. Glad he's gone.
To all the guys who thought I was too fat. Im glad you are a thing of the past. Because I deserve better. To the guy who says he wants me, but doesn't put effort into getting me or bring with me. Thanks, for not being man enough to do so. But good enough to step aside and not hold me back from moving forward. To the guy I just met this week. Honestly, you don't know what you really want nor need. I'm glad I didn't hand you my eggs and say "protect these" because you would have dropped them. I wish you luck in finding exactly what you want and need. I deserve a man who knows exactly what that is to him.
Thanks to a certain guy, no names being said. A couple years ago you came into my life to help make it better. You were a sight to see. But kind hearted. I wish I had more confidence in myself after everything I have been through. Even this past year from time to time I'd text to say hi. You were still kind enough to be polite. Even when I flirted or joked around. You didn't make me feel small or stupid. I felt comfortable. Why can't I meet a man like you who'd date someone like me? I even began thinking somehow you know John. I'm positive Russell knew him. It clicked in fast when I saw Russell, but i kept my mouth shut. You had to of known John. Because I didn't speak to him but somehow he knew about things only you and Russell knew going on. Not that it matters. But if John was a major drug addict i would think you were as well? I would hope not. But anyways.. it's too late.
Anyway,, my being messed up started with my family. And fighting to keep my sister's baby safe. I grew up in that crap. Im happy to not have anything to do with that family. And my sister trying to pretend to be family, that was a joke. And sadly Rain got hurt. But she learned why I kept her away. Now she knows not to do it again. That family is not worth it.
I've got friends who I don't associate with anymore. Mainly because they were drug addicts and I'm not and I have better intentions in life. I don't miss them anymore.
What I miss is being able to feel safe, sexy and wanted. Okay maybe not wanted but desired. Im writing a book. I got most of it done. But I need to go back over it and correct spots and add story to it. Change names of people in it. But for the most part I'm happy with it and where it's going.
Writing helped me get anger out. It helped me work on me too. I have dreams of being loved so right I forget I missed years of being held and loved. I never got to experience real honest to goodness love. So it goes without saying, I haven't met the man. Just guys....

The ad said sub wanting Dom... What happened?

                              He showed up to the motel, she lets him in. He sits on the bed. Goes to reach for her. She pushes his hands done and says not until I tell you you can touch me. He tried again she pushes his hands down. She put her foot on the bed over his leg and says take your fingers and fill my pussy hole. He looks at her laughs. She slaps him and says stop laughing and do as I said now. So he take 3 fingers and fills her pussy hole with them. Now rub my clit with your thumb, he runs. Make me cum in your hand, so he starts fucking her with his fingers rubbing her clit. Harder you bastard, so he goes harder ramming his fingers in her pussy. She moans, grabs his shirt and bucks hard as she cums in his hand. Now rub your dick with my juices bastard. He tries kissing her, no fucking kidding rub it on your dick now. And get completely naked. Before hearing another he undresses fast throwing his clothes all over the room. Reaches her cunt takes her juices and rubs it oin his dick. His limp little dick. She pushes him back he lays on his back, knees bent over the edge of the bed. Feet on the floor. She climbs on top of his chest as facing his face she grabs his limp dick hard in her fist and says lick my pussy long and slow now. As he licks she rubs his dick hard in her hand she licks the tip of his dick and sucks it into her mouth as she cums again on his face. She gets up turns around and kneels just above his semi hard dick, smiles at him and rams his dick into her pussy and fucks him hard and fucks him long. Takes a good 15 minutes of ramming his dick hard before he's solid cock and blows hard fast cum deep inside of her. She gets off him. Grabbing hand cuffs she cuffs hands to the bed posts stretched his arms away from being able to touch her. She grabs a hit burning candle and begins to drop hot wax on his groin just above his cock burning him. He's beginning to complain she tells him to shut the fuck up but he won't so she grabs a gag from her bag stuffs it in his mouth and leaves him muffled yelling as she drops hot wax on his body in various spots. Letting the wax get hard then ripping it off. He's beginning to sweat and getting frustrated, she sees this. So giving him a break from the pain, she kneels her wet pussy on his stomach as she takes his cock in her hands and rubs him hard and fast making him hard and running in her hands over and over. She's taking the cum rubbing it in her pussy, fingering herself as he watched she takes his dick in her mouth ad begins to fuck herself as she's sucking him hard. She's rubbing her foot and spreads her legs wide over his stomach so he can watch as she cums on his stomach as she's tasting his cum pour into her mouth as she spits it down her chin and continues to suck his dick she leans back and stick her wet pussy on his nose moving in and over face fucking him with her wet pussy.  she turns around takes the gag out his mouth, kisses him and tells him to suck her tits like a baby and be begins to suck and she's riding his cock long and slow she's watching him suck her big tits finally letting him bite onto a nipple she looks down at him and smiles as she's fucking him over and over. She's grinding her pussy on his dick getting tight on his dick she's pushing on his chest grabbing it pinching his nipples, she leans back hard on his dick as he explodes inside her. She rests there watching him. Leaning down she kisses him as she slides off. She walks over to her bag and grabs cuffs that have chains attached to them. She cuffs his legs one by one and cuffs his legs raised up off the bed. She goes in her bag and gets out a peg and begins fucking hiss asshole with it. Rubbing his cock as she's pegging his asshole he gets hard, harder than he has been so she stands above him and slams down ramming his extremely hard cock deep into her pussy making him immediately bust a nut into her. She does her hips in circles making his cock tingle inside her pussy she reaches behind her and begins fucking him with the peg again. Bouncing her pussy up and down on him fucking him. He cums again inside her. She undoes his wrists and tells him to hold her and fuck her so he does, she tells him suck my skin he does as he's told. Pinched my nipples, so he does. He's sucking away as her skin leaving bruises and making love to her. His hands feeling all over her body he lifts her begins sucking on her clit  and fingering her asshole with a finger pulling her leg over his shoulder he begins biting her clit kissing it sucking it licking her pussy tonguing her pussy hole fucking her hole with his tongue, she's grabbing his hair shoving his face in her he lays back taking her with him and she's telling him make me cum for you, make this pussy yours. He's pulling her hips hard on his face as he's eating at her pussy her fingers grabbing tight on his hair as she begins bucking hard getting ready to cum he says undo my legs undo my legs so she undoes his legs, and gets on her knees he's fucking her hard she's moaning hard his hands gripping her shoulders hard he's banging her from the back sweat pouring down his face he's banging her she's rubbing her clit he takes his hand and helps her rub her clit hard keeping her trembling hard making her body work up hard they're rubbing her clit together hard as he's fucking her pussy he bites her shoulder and she gives in and explodes hard on his dick as he explodes deep inside her pussy. He kneels back and she goes with him sitting on his dick and he says I'm getting raw I can't keep going, so she begins fucking his dick pounding her ass to his legs making his dick go in and out of her extremely wet pussy she bounces him into running one more time. Leans back into him as they sit there kissing. Her tits in his hands he's still pinching her nipples. She says I have one more treat for you. She gets up goes to her bag and pulls out a dildo must've been 10 inches long 3 inches thick. It was attached to a motor handle like one of those power toothbrushes. She says this is my treat to you, you get to sit back and watch me fuck myself one final time before wee sleep. So he leans back into the pillows as she leans against the bedpost at the foot of the bed legs spread wide takes the dildo and places it at her pussy hole and starts teasing her pussy with it, going slow rubbing it on her clit all over her pussy lips and puts it into her pussy and begins fucking herself with it. Doesn't take long before she's shoving it deep inside her letting it vibrate and fuck her as she's staring at him fall asleep she gets on all fours and sucks his cock as the dildo is vibrating inside her. He falls asleep as she's sucking him off. She sees no point wasting the dildo so she quickly gets herself off with it. Cleans up her stuff and climbs on his lap in hopes he wakes up for one more romp she's fucking his limp dick sucking his neck he wakes up enough to look at her and sucks her tit for a quick second, but noticing it wasn't going further she gets up handcuffs him to the bed, leaves a note and disappears forever...