what does it take?

                 i dont want to get lost in this too much because right now im not up to being in the social vibe, but tonight it will be different because im planning to go out and get drunk at my girls bar.  i basically got just showed my friend doesnt give a shit about me. he asked if i wanted to go swimming i said yeah, but then he kept saying that i dont like going swimming at that time it was 4pm and my neighbor called to see if hed help move some wood for her, so he went over to help, i figured we would go after he got back figuring he would be right back, but he never came back. so i texted him and he went swimming without me. tells me he doesnt give a shit about our friendship. but whatever, you cant help bullshit artists right? no you cant. its just upsetting, it was hot i wanted to go swimming too. but i guess he really doesnt give a shit about me. so i get to close my emotions for him out, i can be just as mean. i dont need it. but now i wrote about it, im good for now. i need to find a man who wants me just as i am, not just friends. a woman like me likes to be hugged and kissed and have a man give her attention, not just be lied to. im done i need to get out and find myself a good man. im tired of just friends. so any of you know a single man who wants to talk and see what happens let me know. have a good night.

my past is haunting me

i am sorry you went through this, when i was 5 my parents began divorce by seperating but my mother begged my father to come back after she claimed she was done having her affairs, my parents moved us kids to maine and they seemed to get better, but 4 months after moving there my dad died i was 7 then and my mother took her anger out on me because my dad had his will made out in the he left me all his life insurance and any money he had put aside for me, my mother would beat me and call me names, my teacher called social services and i was taken from the house and put into foster care, my grandfather my dads father learned of it and had his lawyer fight for my finances that when i turned 18 i could have the money, but because no one was aloud to know where i was after 4 years they gave it to my grandfather who spent it on cars. while in foster care i moved from home to home state to state, when i was 13 i moved into my foster parents ducky and geri in PA and geri told me a saying she told anyon she came into contact with that was hurt "I love you, thank you and Im sorry.. I love you because you came into my life, thank you for letting me be part of your life and healing and im sorry for all the hurt you lived through" that saying stuck to me til this day anytime i come into contact with someone who has been hurt i say it. when i was 14 i got ammancipated from the state ward and became financially responsible for myself because i had a babysitting job and a part time job at kmart i saved up my money so i can get my own place and become my own parent. the pain i lived through hurt me so bad i sunk myself into my school work and my jobs. over the years i secretly kept in touch with my sister who was my bestfriend, she died 10 years ago at the hands of her boyfriend im raising her daughter who is turning 16, after my sister died my mother and i began talking again and i found out she was dying, for a year and a half i took care of her by myself while she was dying, none of the other children of hers came to help her at all, its sad because it took 20 years to get an apology from my mother for all the pain she and my family put me through. i got the apology the day she died just as she was going out the door. 8 years ago. it hurts she never thought of the pain she was causing me when she did it. its sad because for years i wondered what would have my life been like if my dad didnt die? and they just got a divorce and moved on from each other? but you know what? i dont let it get to me too much because i have a kid who needs me to be strong for her. i never held anything from my niece afterall my mothers other children tried suing me for my house and tried getting custody of her but they lost, because they lost we had to sell our house and move to hide from them because they kept threatening to kill me and kidnap her. right now im considering to move again because im so used to moving and never staying in the same place for too long. we have been here for 7 years thats the longest ive ever been in any 1 place ever. what i went through made me stronger, i hope it makes you stronger too.

i feel meaningless

i sit here wondering why do i help other people?
 why do all i can d to make other people happy when really they dont want to be?
 why havent i learned to tell people to go away and leave me alone?
why do i let people get the best of me but i get nothing in return?
im wondering what it would take to get certain people to understand i can only go so far at being pushed aside and only needed when they want or need something but not giving any help to me?
i cant be the one who constantly gets hurt by people and i am beginning to refuse to around these people again all im doing is trying to do be a friend and help people but its not getting me anywhere so all im going to do the next few weeks is get the people to leave me alone and go on their own and take misery with them. i deserve better i was happy before, im not now, and i am going to be happy again.

wish me luck!!

need to think so here i am..

                   so i dont know whats going to happen, but im having that feeling somethings about to happen and i dont know what it is. i wish i knew. i think john is working on leaving here as well. im not sure what is going through his head and i hit that spot i really dont care what he thinks. he leaves he leaves, thats it. he stays he stays, thats that. i think im at that point where im ready to be alone by myself and taking care of rain on my own and not worrying about any guy. even nates been sitting there since he walked out 5 months ago saying how he regrets leaving and says he wants to come back yet he doesnt do anything to get back here, really id love to see how john and nate act towards each other near each other. that would be funny.  neither one deserves me at this point. john told me flat out basically he was messing with my head when he asked me to open up and be with him then he said no its not what he wanted, he said he isnt good at relationships, i dont know why, but that right there made my close down towards him now. like i am here living in my house and he is here taking up space near me but it doesnt effect me anymore. i think i hit that spot where im heartless completely right now and im tired of caring for what a guy needs or wants, right now if he turned around and said hes ready id have to be brutally honest and tell him no. i lost that loving feeling i had towards him before. but whatever its his loss. i just feel like hes looking to leave. and really i dont know if it is true or not, but i feel someone leaving. it might not be him, might not even happen, but you know when you feel something happening and you cant figure it out? thats what im feeling. totally lost and confused right now.  im so tired of everything right now im thinking of just taking a few days to myself and closing off from people fo a bit. i dont know what to do. i need to go take a nap too. so have a good night everyone. maybe next time im on here there will be better news. we will see...........