need to think so here i am..

                   so i dont know whats going to happen, but im having that feeling somethings about to happen and i dont know what it is. i wish i knew. i think john is working on leaving here as well. im not sure what is going through his head and i hit that spot i really dont care what he thinks. he leaves he leaves, thats it. he stays he stays, thats that. i think im at that point where im ready to be alone by myself and taking care of rain on my own and not worrying about any guy. even nates been sitting there since he walked out 5 months ago saying how he regrets leaving and says he wants to come back yet he doesnt do anything to get back here, really id love to see how john and nate act towards each other near each other. that would be funny.  neither one deserves me at this point. john told me flat out basically he was messing with my head when he asked me to open up and be with him then he said no its not what he wanted, he said he isnt good at relationships, i dont know why, but that right there made my close down towards him now. like i am here living in my house and he is here taking up space near me but it doesnt effect me anymore. i think i hit that spot where im heartless completely right now and im tired of caring for what a guy needs or wants, right now if he turned around and said hes ready id have to be brutally honest and tell him no. i lost that loving feeling i had towards him before. but whatever its his loss. i just feel like hes looking to leave. and really i dont know if it is true or not, but i feel someone leaving. it might not be him, might not even happen, but you know when you feel something happening and you cant figure it out? thats what im feeling. totally lost and confused right now.  im so tired of everything right now im thinking of just taking a few days to myself and closing off from people fo a bit. i dont know what to do. i need to go take a nap too. so have a good night everyone. maybe next time im on here there will be better news. we will see...........