dear john or is it?

john came into my life in a happen by night kind of way. i was working at a gas station convenience store kind of thing. he pulled in with his truck to get gas. he walked into the store and i said "can i have the keys to my truck back now?" threw him off. here i am a perfect stranger asking for keys to his truck. its a gorgeous truck, big red and a tundra. at the time i was in love with trucks and tundras were my fave at the moment so it fit to give him the joke. hey it made him laugh and it started a friendship. he got $20 in gas and a pack of marlboro 100s. and left. i said to myself "that is a guy i wouldnt mind waking up next to every morning" and i said "dear god bring him back into my life" after that nothing else was thought besides i figured id never see him again. the next day he came into the store and i said to him the same question and he tossed the keys on the counter and said "here have it but im not helping with the gas" we got to talking and he told me he was working down at universal and we just spoke for a few minutes and i thought damn he is handsome and those brown eyes drew me further because his eyes were dark and gorgeous. he is a tall and sexy tanned man. it was winter but he was sexy. and yup i wanted to know him. after about 5 weeks he finally got the balls and asked for my number but the way he asked was funny he said he needed my number to make sure he gives me the keys to my truck back sometime. and by that time it was spring and the ground was thawed and golf season was open i found out he was a golfer, um hello other then football players golfers have the sexiest backs! anyways we texted all the time, flirted and became friends. there were times we had spats and we wouldnt talk for a few days. but he always had a knack of coming in the store and smiling and leaning against the counter driving me crazy in a good way and getting me to forgive him and we would be back to being friends. seriously if the man asked me to visit him during good hours and sleep over i most likely would have. i had been to his house once but he was getting ready for work. and the only time he would ask me to go over was when he was getting ready for bed, and i didnt want to be a booty call. i just wanted to be near him, if sex happened back then i probably wouldnt mind it back then i wanted the man in many ways really, but i was scared to open up based on i didnt want to be rejected, and i had nate who was just a friend staying with me going through health issues i was embarrassed but he and i drifted apart in the winter of 2010 i was beginning to be upset at my job and everything around me, he got to a point he would only call when he needed money which he wasnt good at paying back, i got to a point i couldnt and wouldnt keep helping out. so i just stopped replying to his texts and calls. i drifted apart. but i cant remember why or how we got back into talking later that year. but we did. and what sucked was i was doing what i can to not be inlove with him and in the end of 2010 i took a new job across town in a store i was sure he wouldnt stop at if he didnt know i was there, for awhile we didnt speak and around march of 2011 we got back in touch with each other and i found out one of his dogs scarlet had just died the month before and he lost his job at universal and for a few months we were off and on talking, i finally confessed to him how i felt towards him and all he said was "that was obvious" and for 10 days i didnt hear anything from him this was august 2011 at that point and i got hurt because to me that was rejection when he goes silent towards me after that, i told him i couldnt do it anymore and stopped talking to him. i didnt send him a birthday card, no christmas card. new years eve i sent a text hope your next year is better. and he calls me back and says why you wishing that for me? whats so good about it? and i said im just hoping this year is better than last year seeing last year wasnt all that easy for you. we hung up. i never thought of him again. until the middle of march he began being on my mind alot. in the beginning of april he became part of my dreams and he was sad every time i saw him in my dreams and i spoke to rain about it and she told me to text him, i wrote a note telling him to call me and after 10 minutes i gave in and texted him to find out he lost his house and he was basically homeless and staying at a friends house who wanted him out in 2 days, i offered him to come here and stay. he did. the first weekend i figured he wanted to be alone to think and figure things out and he took it as i wasnt interested in being near him and wanted him gone. gosh that was so far from the truth. i went and ran some errands one day on a tuesday and came home to find him leaving. he had an old neighbor meeting him at walmart to leave, i was hurt and he left. he doesnt have his license because he speeds and gets tickets and didnt pay them. i didnt know he didnt have a license. so anyways he left was gone 4 day when i brought him back home. he said he felt he didnt belong thats why he left and my neighbors son pj was using my phone for drug calls. the first actual weekend he was here he began the conversation of asking me to be with him in a relationship. that day he was happy and giving me kisses and hugs. then the next day he began pulling away from me. i knew something was wrong but didnt say anything. 2 days later i asked what the hell is going on? he said to me he isnt ready for a relationship, but he wanted me to hold on until he is ready. i already waited years for guys before him. i hit that spot where im done waiting and  to be honest i already waited for him. now im just getting my heart beating everyday......ill have to finish this when i come back...ok so im back, i went to the lake with some friends and came home to do the hot dogs on the grill. anyways, back to john, i waited 3 years for him to actually make the move if he wanted something with me. then last year i confessed how i felt and got shot down. now im just getting told i give him no respect. yet its ok for him to sit here and fuck with my head and heart ?  but im wrong because he thinks its ok to ignore me. well im done waiting and i deserve better than a guy wasting my time. he tells me we moved passed him telling me to wait for him and that i said im done waiting. i am he either wanted me then or he doesnt want me at all.  yet he didnt reply maybe i shouldve left him living where he was basically on the street. shit with all the friends he has im sure one of them could have giving him a couch to sleep on? yet here he has my bed and i sleep on the couch. im so tired of men right now really, i cant do this anymore. i cant have some guy living in my house when he doesnt want me, and he is stopping me from finding someone who wants to spend time with me.  i yelled at him again because he began yelling at me, i told him to get out. part of me is being stupid im not sure which part.