Dear Whoever;

     Lately I have been doing some rearranging in my life. Sine the year began I have gone through loses and gains. The losses that hurt the most were losing Petunia and Diamond. Then Nate walked out after asking if Id be interested in starting a relationship with him since I am the only one who bent over backwards to make sure he was happy. He walked out and left me confused. I kept praying. Even kept going to prayer circles. I kept praying he would come home. But then something clicked where I realized he wasn't true. So I let it go and began cleaning my house. I began dusting myself off and thinking of how to make my life better and slowly things were falling into place. My house was beginning to look better and although there was a certain emptiness in my house when Rain was gone on the weekends and whatnot. I knew eventually God would fill the void.
    Well apparently the past does come back to you. For awhile a certain person weighed heavy on my heart. I couldn't think without him popping into my mind. I would go to sleep and somehow he would end up in my dreams. But instead of his cute face smiling he would have frowns and it bugged the crap out of me. So i was talking to Rain and decided I would write to him. But then something said he wouldn't get the card. So I did what she said to do. "Text him Chica". So I did. And boy am I glad I did. He was going through allot of loss. He wasn't doing too good at all. I think he got to the point of thinking of ending his life was the best option. But I couldn't let him do that.
     I loved him from the first day he walked into my life. Four years ago he walked into my life. I wished to see him again. Then I did see him again. Then I wished again to keep seeing him. He would come into the store and make me feel happy just by standing there leaning his bony butt against the coffee counter looking at me through those shades. He was so gorgeous. I felt butterflies each time he would drive by the store going to lunch or to work. I would bring him food to eat sometimes. I would enjoy just being near him. It had been years since I felt that way about a guy. I was scared though. Because I was so used to guys hurting me. I kept keeping Nate here thinking he was better off here hurting me then with a new woman hurting her, because he always ended up back here. Well Nate and I were friends for a year and a half then he ruined it by wanting something more with me and after just 6 weeks it went downhill fast. I decided just being friends would be best. But I was too emotionally involved with him. I couldn't or wouldn't let him go. But this time I had no warning or clue. He just up and walked out. Which really is a blessing..
    The past couple weeks have been hard based on the tension John is giving off. But it is because he is going through crap. But I want him to open up and talk to me and let me in. I am not here to hurt him. My God if I was as callus as others who get off by hurting others I wouldn't open back up to him. I would have left the thoughts of him in the dust. Last year when I told him I had been in love with him, he didn't respond. I knew he had been hurt. But I didn't think he would let me go that easy. Maybe it was easier to let me go then put the effort into maybe accepting the love I had for him? I don't know. Probably won't know. But he is here now.
    My God can I tell you something? The man can sit there and be smoking outside and I think "Damn he is hot." or I would think "I wish he knew I'm In love with him".  I'm just as bad I guess, because I want the love from him, but am also afraid after being hurt for so long and putting my own happiness on the back burner for so long, that I am skeptical that there is a real thing about happiness. I know it is there. I just want him to be happy so much that when he smiles it is an honest smile. I want to believe him so much that because of my past with guys lying I feel I can't trust him. But I know he feels that same thing towards me.
    I am not the type to make someone hurt. If I hurt someone and I didn't know I did 'd want to know so I can make it right. It is only right. Right? I don't know how other people get off by hurting others. But those people deserve to be shot in the crotch in my opinion.  I am the one who always gets stepped on and hurt. So I know the pain I wouldn't want someone else to feel.  If I saw someone hurt by a fool I was the one to help lift that person up.
   That's why last month when John was weighing heavy on my life I had to open up and let him in. I needed to help him. I wanted to help him. No man should be down. In my opinion a man is supposed to be that strong rugged man like my Dad was. John reminds me allot of my Dad. Strong looks, beating heart and soul. My Dad was beating down my mother and her wicked ways. She cheated on him and beat him down. I feel that is what happened to John. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved fully.  Whatever those rude heartless women did to him needs to be corrected. He needs to be mended. Even if he gets strong and walks out at least I know I was there to see him get strong again in love and it would be enough for me to know he knows he deserves to be loved and happy. But I am for now going to make due with the present God brought that man back into my life for that reason. I am going to do my best to make John feel complete. Because that is the right thing to do.