TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE...

I FINALLY HIT THAT SPOT WHERE THE LIES TO MY FACE AND HIS CONSTANT TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE HE ISNT LYING ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME ANYMORE. I AM MAD HE CARED MORE FOR GETTING HIMSELF MORE CHICKS TO LISTEN TO HIS LIES. I AM MAD I HAVENT BEEN STRONG ENOUGH TO GET RID OF HIM. HE IS ONLY HERE BECAUSE HE HASNT FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO "GO VISIT" AND CLAIM IT IS HIS COUSIN OR UNCLE. HE IS SITTING THERE LYING TO PEOPLE HOW HE IS A BIKER AND HE WORKS. I KNOW IT IS ONLY INTERNET, BUT DAMN THERE IS A THING CALLED KARMA THAT RUNS AROUND AND YOU THROWING OUT THE LIES IS GOING TO GET SOMEONE HURT. IGNORES ME, BUT IF I SAY SOMETHING HE LIES AND SAYS HE WANTS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME, YET HE PUTS ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT INTO SHOWING IT OR PROVING IT. HE BROKE DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM SO BAD I COULDNT FUNCTION TO GO GET A JOB. I WOULD GET GOING TO DO IT, WHEN THE TIME COMES HE WOULD START MAKING COMMENTS AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE STEPPED IN SHIT. HOW CAN A MAN WHO ISNT ANYTHING HIMSELF HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER SOMEONE HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH? I WISH I HAD THE STRENGTH TO GET THAT JOB, GET MONEY COMING IN AND TELL HIM GOODBYE.. I HAVE LOST SO MUCH BECAUSE OF HIM AND HE DOESNT EVEN CARE... UGH

pease to the loser from woburn who thinks hes all that....

I don't wanna be hurt, I don't wanna hear you say how youll never hurt, I don't wanna cry no more, I want to know what its like to smile and feel joy from inside out im not asking for too much just what id offer you a simple time of love a time when we can be more than just friends I want u as my companion someone by my side holding my hand keeping me safe and making me smile....................





right now I am taking a break from adding people to my friends list for games.... I only play a few and 2 of them I have a bunch of friends for them, I appreciate them I mean you guys a lot, more than you will ever know,,, but right now I gotta figure out who I can delete because I don't want to be just a number to someone, who helps me during the games and who speaks to me... I want to make friends from you   guys,


peace douche baggy lonely impotent man....haha


also if you are going to delete me please be kind enough to tell me inbox....ive noticed some people add me then delete me but im stuck with their names from the game we play that is the same so I have to go through and delete by blocking them.... believe me I like the ability to block people... one fool spoke bad about me blaming me then deleted me I saw his status still, almost like he waited for me to come on in order to delete me, but talking bs and deleting me just gets you blocked, don't tell me shitty dump line about picturing me being a drinker and stopped at a red light then you getting out and walking away, that is doesn't mean we are not friends blah blah blah, when you delete someone it means you are no longer friends...oh whipty do I wont miss you...I gotta better people in my life that wont make themselves look better than others just to satisfy their own egos....

a friend recently lost her mom...

SHE ASKED DOES IT EVER GET ANY EASIER WHEN IT COMES TO LOSING YOUR MOM AND NOT BEING ABLED TO CELEBRATE THINGS LIKE HER BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS WITH HER? THIS IS MY RESPONSE, I BEGAN TYPING IT, THEN REALIZED I NEEDED TO BLOG INSTEAD....





it depends on how close you were, my mother and I weren't exactly best of friends, after she died it took some getting use to not having to clean, feed or take of her after 2 years while she was dying, but I also didn't get time to mourn with my family they all faught me and had me in court right after she died trying to sue me for my house she lived in, maybe if I  had time to mourn it may have had a different effect but the first year it killed me not to make her a cake, every once in awhile I want to call her or my sister or my dad and chat or get together and have lunch with all my grandparents, but I cant... I have family here on this earth who think I should be dead because I wasn't a drug addict like them, because I wouldn't let them bully me into giving them everything, I have a sister still on this earth who I want to talk to, but am afraid she will ruin me trying to mend fences with her, isn't that sad? I have nephews and nieces I cant even see because my family fucking sucks...


 BECAUSE IM MISSING OUT ON MY FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRONG AND MEAN I CANT LOOK PASSED IT. I WANT SO BADLY TO BE ABLED TO CALL MY SISTER AND SAY HEY WHATCHA DOING?  BUT I CANT. I CANT PUSH MYSELF TO MOVE PASSED ALL THE PAIN THEY PUT ME THROUGH. ALL THE LOSS I LOST BECAUSE OF THEM. ALL THE HIDING I HAD TO DO. I HAVE LIVED IN FEAR FOR YEARS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID THEY WOULD KILL ME OR KIDNAP MY NIECE THAT I AM RAISING FOR MY DECEASED SISTER WHO WAS MURDERED BY HER BOYFRIEND WHO ALWAYS CHEATED ON HER AND BEAT HER. I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND PAY HIM TO LEAVE FOR GOOD BEFORE SHE DIED. JUST SO SHE COULD BE HERE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD SEEING HER DAUGHTER GROW INTO A BEAUTIFUL LADY SHE HAS THUS FAR. AT TIMES I WISH I COULD LOOK PASSED IT, BUT THEN I KNOW I CANT. THE LAST TIME I HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT MY FAMILY WAS THROUGH MY OLDEST BROTHERS EXGIRLFRIEND THE MOTHER OF HIS SON. WHO SAID HE WAS A DIABETIC AND HADNT CHANGED YET. THAT MY BABY BROTHER AND 3RD IN LINE BROTHER WERE STILL LIVING TOGETHER IN A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT WITH ONE OF THEIR GIRLFRIENDS. MY 2ND IN LINE BROTHER SHE DIDNT SAY TOO MUCH ABOUT HIM IF SHE DID I DONT REMEMBER. I REALLY DONT CARE EITHER. MY SISTER HAD BEEN WITH HER BOYFRIEND OMG CLOSE TO 20 YEARS WHEN HE KICKED HER OUT AND FOUND A YOUNG CHICK TO SHACK UP WITH AND MY SISTER WAS NOW A LESBIAN. HER BOYFRIEND HAD KICKED OUT THE KIDS TOO. MY OLDEST BROTHER AFTER CLOSE TO 18 YEARS OF FIGHTING IN COURT TO GET CUSTODY AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER FINALLY WON, BECAUSE MY NEPHEW WAS OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE HIS OWN CHOICE AND MY NEPHEW CHOSE MY BROTHER. WHY I WILL NEVER KNOW.  THE WHOLE SITUATION IS SO MESSED UP. I JUST HOPE IN MY NEXT LIFE I AM NOT STUCK WITH A FAMILY LIKE THAT. MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG HE WAS MY HERO. SADLY MY CAT REMINDS ME OF THE LOVE MY DAD KNEW AND GAVE ME. I HAVE HAD MY CAT 10 YEARS. IF HE WAS TO LEAVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I PROBABLY WOULDNT BE ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT. OR TALK. I WENT THROUGH ALOT LOSING A DOG, A CAT AND A MOUSE OVER A YEAR AGO, AND I AM STILL NOT HEALED FROM THAT. AND I AM ABOUT TO START A NEW JOB, OMG I AM SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THAT. AFTER 2 AND A HALF YEARS I GOT A JOB OFFER, JUST WAITING ON THE DRUG TEST RESULTS. I AM SCARED TO START WORKING, IT IS ONLY FOR 6 MONTHS BUT I AM SCARED TO HELL I MIGHT MESS U OR I WONT BE ABLE TO GRASP THE JOB CORRECTLY. WHICH IS STUPID IT IS SOMETHING I HAVE KNOWN AND DONE SINCE I WAS 15 AT MY FIRST JOB. UGH ANYWAYS I SHOULD END HERE FOR NOW. I HAVE LETTERS I NEED TO WRITE AND CLEANING TO DO AND WHATNOT... TAKE CARE

I'M SAD FOR THE CHANGES

SO IN A PERFECT WORLD MEN WOULDN'T HURT THE CHILDREN NOR A WOMAN. IN A PERFECT WORLD WOMEN WOULDN'T GOSSIP. IN A PERFECT WORLD THERE WOULD BE MORE "YES MA'AM, NO MA'AM, THANK YOU AND PLEASE" AND MAYBE A SPANKING OR TWO SO KIDS WOULD NOT ACT WRONG AND THINK IT IS OK. IN A PERFECT WORLD THERE WOULD BE NO DRUGS, NO GUNS FOR KILLING ANYTHING THAT AINT FOR SUPPER AND NO LIES. IN A PERFECT WORLD PEOPLE ...WOULD NOT TAKE GOD OUT OF SCHOOL, OFF OUR MONEY OR OUT OUR MOUTHS, THEN QUESTION "WHY DIDN'T GOD HELP ME?". IN A PREFECT WORLD WE WOULD NEED LESS AND APPRECIATE IT. PEOPLE WOULD HUG WHEN THEY GREET THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES. MAYBE A LIPSTICK STAIN FROM AUNT TUTTIE ON THE CHEEK. NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HATE WAS. THEN ONE BY ONE WE EACH LET SOMEONE ELSE TELL US WHAT TO BELIEVE, WHO TO BELIEVE AND WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT. AS ADULTS WE LEARN THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE WE MADE MISTAKES IN RAISING OUR CHILDREN DIFFERENTLY AND WRONG BECAUSE SOCIETY CHANGED US TO WHAT THEY ALL BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT WAS SAYING WAS RIGHT AND TRUE. THEN ONE BY ONE WE BEGIN TO HATE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THIS WEB WAS WEAVED AND NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK TO WHEN THINGS RAN BETTER AND SMOOTHER. PEOPLE WERE NICER. AND WE WERE NOT HIDING PAIN. HOW COME IT TAKES SOMEONE WHO WAS HURT TO DO WHAT THESE GUYS DID TO BRING A NATION TOGETHER WHEN WE SHOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN APART?

I AM IN A FAKE RELATIONSHIP...UGH

I DONT KNOW WHY I LET HIM INTO MY LIFE? NO I CANT SAY I WAS LONELY BECAUSE I WASNT. I GUESS IT WAS BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR HIM. BUT HOW DO I GO ON WITH A GUY WHO DOESNT EVEN KISS ME? I WISH I COULD JUST DO AWAY WITH HIM AND TELL HIM TO GET OUT AND GO BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM. FINANCIALLY I NEEDED HIM. BUT NOT ANYMORE. IM LEARNING STEP BY STEP I DONT NEED HIM. HOW DO GUYS GET AWAY WITH SAYING THEY WANT ALL THESE WONDERFUL THINGS WITH WOMEN AND THEN ONCE THEY GET THE WOMAN FIGURE THEY DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING TO SHOW THEY EVEN LOVE THE WOMAN? WHY DO THEY SUCKER US INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF THEY REALLY DONT WANT US? THIS GUY DOESNT DO SHIT BESIDES SIT ON HIS ASS. AND COMPLAIN HOW MUCH PAIN HE IS IN. I DONT BELIEVE HIM. I LOST TRUST IN HIM SO LONG AGO. HE BLAMES ME FOR WHY HE DOESNT EVEN KISS ME. TOLD ME IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS ASLEEP. REALLY? I MEAN REALLY? WHAT ABOUT THE HOURS IM AWAKE ASKING FOR THOSE KISSES AND GET TOLD "IN A MINUTE"? THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH? SADLY I LOOK AT THIS GUY WHO IS A WASTE OF SPACE AND I CALL PECKERHEAD SUCKER (ONLY IN MY HEAD) AND WONDER HOW THE CHICK HE JUST LEFT DEALT WITH HIS BULLSHIT LIKE THIS? MAYBE ITS A GOOD THING WE HAVE NEVER HAD SEX? ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MANY STDS HES CARRYING. I DONT WANT THEM. HE PROBABLY ISNT EVEN GOOD IN BED AND ID STILL BE UPSET BUT ONLY ON THE FACT HE WAS A BAD AND I DIDNT GET ANY PLEASURE OUT OF IT?! LOL AND I THINK TO MYSELF SOON ENOUGH I WILL MEET THE GUY WHO WILL BE THE MAN FOR ME. BUT WHERE? I DONT WANT TO MEET SOME GUY ON CRAIGSLIST OR OFF THE INTERNET FOR CRYING OUTLOUD. NOT AGAIN. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. BUT HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE WITH A SIMPLE KISS? HUGS WORK TOO. BUT NOT EVEN A THANK YOU OR ANYTHING. UGH I NEED HELP. ARE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE ANYMORE? THE LAST GUY I LET INTO MY HOUSE LIED TO ME AND ABOUT ME SO MUCH THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL. HAHA WELL GUESS WHAT? HES JUST LIKE THE LAST ONE. AND THE LAST ONE WAS ONLY A FRIEND I WAS HELPING OUT BECAUSE HE WASNT MAN ENOUGH TO KEEP A JOB AND PAY HIS BILLS. BUT GLAD HES GONE FOR GOOD THIS TIME. I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT SHIT AGAIN. BUT SERIOUSLY ARE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE?

Am I normal for thinking this?

In this past year I have dealt with alot of crap. I went from being confident to lost and wanting to commit suicide. But I know I couldn't get lost or commit suicide. I have a teenage child and 8 animals who count on my being here for them. I will go for my cigarette right now and when I come back I will tell you from the beginning and that started 2 years ago, maybe a bit longer. I will even tell you some random thoughts that have come to mind over the past few months... Believe me I am not as screwed up as some people I know are... I am just the tip of the iceberg...
Ok where do  I even start this? I guess I can start with leaving my job of 3 years for another job that I basically got screwed at. I felt I was being lied to by my coworker and boss at my first job. Boss kept telling me how she was going to train me to do computer work and after a year and a half of hearing it and never getting anywhere plus she and my coworker lying to me about pety crap I felt like it was time for me to move on. So I found this other job and was happy there. Felt I belonged there. But after 3 weeks the manager there began telling me how I was doing things wrong, when I wasn't like opening meats in the deli when I wasn't and missing money when I wasn't. I couldn't for the life of me figure it out at the time I was being set up. For 2 weeks I walked on eggshells there. Thanksgiving 2010 I ended being fired for missing lottery tickets and money. A couple days later I got threatening calls from the manager telling me to pay up $300 plus or else she was going to the cops. The next day I got called to go into the police station and tell my side of the story. I went in and spoke with the cop in charge told my side of the story and how I had no clue who Barb was when I started there and wished I never worked with her, because if she did this to me how many other people were getting fired for the same thing? Well apparently Barb confessed to the whole thing and she got fired and banned from the store. I still had to go to court to clear my name and even there the judge asked how I knew her and I said only from working with her and now I wish I never had to do that. Because of all that I began not trusting anyone. I still had to fight for unemployment, had to get a lawyer and fight for it because they were denying my case because according to Occonnells I stole from them. I had proof it wasnt me and after fighting for months I finally got appproved. I Got approved in April 2011, got my first unemployment check in May 2011. Things seemed to be getting better.  I was finally able to pay bills. And look for a job. I am still unemployed by the way. But then my boyfriend at the time wanted to cheat on me via internet, met some chick on there from Connecticutt took off lying to me about he was going to stay at his cousin Daves house for a bit, but I knew better. He was gone for a year, lying to me about where he was, first he was at his cousin Daves then somehow ended up in Framingham, MA at his uncles house. Sadly I know by living his lies before where he told chicks he was living with his uncle (ME) that that was also a lie. He lived for a year lying about it. Then he claimed he was back at his cousins house who mysteriously moved from Stafford Springs to Willimantic somehow one week he lived in Stafford Springs the next Willimantic. But he came home and has been here since. He says things that makes me wish I had a job so I can get rid of him. But anyways. While he was gone a friend (John) lost his house and I thought I was doing the right thing by offering to let him come stay here and get things back in order for himself. But that backfired on me big time. He racked up my bills and lied to me and about me. He moved in with someone I thought was a friend, without even telling me he was moving out. The whole time he lived with me he kept telling me how my friend was no good, but then goes behind my back and moves in with her. I dont know why it took me so long to let him go, I guess the crap he put me through while he was here, threatening me and making me not want to talk to anyone of my friends and made my child feel she didnt belong in her own house. He made me feel worthless. Bad enough I already had Nate lie and walk out on me. And Nates check were cut down real bad at the same time I lost my unemployment and my car needed $1200 in order to pass inspection. My bills went unpaid for so long I had no clue how I was ever going to get out from under it all. Everything in my life seemed to be hitting the all time lowest points it could. But I was going through it all to learn some things. And I did. I learned I really need to focus on myself and my child. Stop letting others go before me. I need to get a job. Do for myself. I need to let go of people certain people in my life. I bit by bit have begun to get things better. I got help to pay off some of my rent and electricity. I got Nates checks fixed so I can finally begin to pay bills. But then in January I screwed up and told social security I had no clue where he was, I didn't really, because his phone wasnt working and he wouldn't be honest with where he was and he wasnt communicating with me. I busted ass and paid what I could pay for bills at that point with what I had for money. Slowly things are getting better. But I got so bad over the past year I wanted to commit suicide, but I didn't. Things got so bad I filed for social security, but I have since decided I am better than that. I just need a job and to get out of this funk I am in. And get things better for me and my child. I will not sit on my ass and collect social security if I got approved I wouldve been waiting forever anyways for that. And my bills need paying now, by then I could have lost my house. It's not much of a house. But it is mine and I only pay rent for the land it sits on. I know I am going to get a job and I am going to get better. I will not be like my friends who sit around and collect checks because they are drug addicts and take the easy road. I know Nathan is sick but I need a job because he wont always be around and his checks dont cover everything. I need a job so I can find new friends and maybe find myself happy again. I used to be so happy until December 2009 when I got that lousy review from my boss and cheap ass raise. Seriously I opened that store at least 6 times a month, not including my regular days I worked mornings, I mean days she had a meeting or had to go to another location to work because someone quit or got fired. There were nights I had to close because someone needed nights off and or quit on us. I would work til closing after doing my regular hours. There were times I opened the store did my regular hours and got stuck working til closing then had to be back and 430 am again to do it all over again. I would do my regular work, my coworkers share of work and my bosses job too. I busted my ass. Yes there is one joke my boss put in my review that I thought was not neccessary, she kept telling me I didnt know how to take a joke because she called me a slacker. I am not and never will be a slacker. I felt disrespected. I got a raise of 17 cents that year. Slapp in the face is what I called it. The years before my raises were 50 cents and above never ever have I been hurt by a boss before. And my last boss before would call me Mrs. Fatty Pants!  Right now I look back at things I have gone through and think damn I should have been smarter. But that is why we go through things we do. I am a firm believer in Karma. And I don't like being lied to or about. John was perfect for lying to people and about me. Tracy lies constantly and wonders why her life is so messed up. I have told her too many times to stop lying and fix her life, but she wont get it. Thank God Chelseas dad gave her a car now her mom has died, because now Chelsea is Tracys slave. I will not call her or text her. If she calls or texts me I can ignore it. I don't need her drama. I have enough in my own life. It seems like people get off on lying and wondering why their lives are so messed up. I may not go to church, but I know God does not sleep. So am I normal for thinking this way? I think Johns penis should burn off his body. His mouth be sewn shut and his heart be hung in front of him for all he put me through. I think Tracy deserves the crap she keeps getting simply because that is all she talks is crap. Cheryl always in pain and looking for drugs, maybe she deserves it, calling here asking if I have pain meds like vicoden(?). I dont do any drugs, at the most I take one Aleve maybe a month. I dont sit around looking for bad. Nate he is living his own Karma out right now. I am just waitin for that day he walks out again. Hopefully by then I am working and bringing in good money so I dont have to worry about it again. I tell you this he walks out I will not talk to him again. While he is here I will be human and be nice to him and feed him and bring him to his apointments and try to get him better. But for now my goal is finding a job and getting better.. Spring is coming, so is my job!!!