ten week affair...

    We met fast one night. Never thought it could turn into a ten week long super romance. You came saying how you were in a bad situation. I was there lending you an ear. As a friend or so I thought. 
    Not in a million years did I ever think I could fall in love with a man the way I did. I've loved men but never have I been in love before. This guy got me to feel feelings I never wanted to feel. But he got into my soul. Made me feel at home.
          It happened so fast. Without a warning. Within a week we were saying I love you. He was afraid of telling me his name and showing me his picture. But he did. He was handsome. Funny it had been years since I called any man handsome. The last guy I called handsome earned his name. But this guy looked handsome in the way he dressed and the way he looked. 
           This guy open many wounds from my past and helped me heal passed them. But at the same time he was taking things from me. I didn't even notice until it was too late. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. We spoke so much it felt like he was right here. In the same room with me.
              He was 3,200 miles away. He told me so much about himself. As I told him so much about me and my past. We would feel so comfortable with each other it felt at times he was inside my head. I'd lay on my bed it would feel he was right here laying with me. 
               There were times we would lay together and dream the same dreams. Talk of being together. He'd come for a visit and then move here to be with me. It felt so real. I believed it would happen. He never gave me reason not to believe he would be here with me.
                Ten weeks, we dreamt the same dream of love and happiness. We had our little pet names for each other. Ways to pick on each other. If we argued we spoke it out. Ten weeks in, something happened.
                It's been five weeks since it all fell apart. Crumbled like dry bread. We were going so good. Then something happened inside of him he began to pull away and talk less. When he did talk he began finding petty things to argue over to push me away or cause a scene in front of people. 
               He began lying to me and others around. I figured he was just getting cold feet. Was scared of something so wonderful could happen because he's so used to bad things happening he had to ruin us. So he didn't have to experience something so wonderful. Because he's not ready for it. 
               I wanted to hold on to him and hope. But holding on means I had to hurt. So I prayed on it. God answered. So for now my life is going on without him. When the time is right and he is truly ready god will lead us back together again. But for now I can only hope and pray for him. He needs to heal from his past so he can experience good in his life. I believe he is a good man. 
              He deserves happiness and love. All humans do. But my life right now is about making myself first and taking advantage of what God has for me. This is my year. This year I will be happy and in love with life. It may have to be with nother man, but that man will get my all. 
              And if ten week romance never comes around to finish our journey together at least I have those ten weeks to remember something beautiful. I'm not his loss. He's not my loss. We are not over. He knows it. He just needs to get strong enough to finish what he started. 

Ten week romance..... Five weeks still recovering....

i want to dance with you... part one I thought chichi deleted but yay I found it!!!

From the first moment you entered my world I felt a connection with you.  I dreamt of you before you entered my life. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew in my dreams?". I never knew until that night you would come real to me. We spent so many nights talking and falling for each other. I was afraid of saying " I love you" to you. For I have never been in love before. We have never touched hands let alone kissed. But as we grew closer and dreaming the same dreams. You became more real to me then anyone has before. We are of many miles apart, but when we spoke to each other I felt as if you were right here in the same room with me. 

There were nights we never said "goodnight" but simply stayed talking with each other so we had many good nights. I loved you before I even laid my eyes on your pictures of your handsome face. But the moment I saw your face my dreams became real. You were the guy in my dream. You told me your name. My heart fluttered, my gut did its little butterfly dance. I became scared of you. Because I knew you were the one for me. 

We would fall asleep talking with each other, snuggling, telling each other we love for one another. We would dream the same dream. Connecting us even more. I loved you even more.

We would talk of our past pains and sufferings, healing each other. We would argue, fuss and fight. But we would make somehow never give up. We would make amends. Fall deeper in love. 

Something happened to take you away from me. I miss you so much. All I want to do is hold you and talk with you. I miss you. Maybe you feel the same. But who knows, but you? I can not picture myself with another man. Because after you who can compare to you? Who can make me feel safe at home and beautiful like you did?

 I didn't care if you were rich nor poor. Because I felt complete with you. Funny even though we are not talking right now. I still feel you near me. I still feel complete. I smile for no reason. Then I feel you in my heart. I hear you in my thoughts. I still love you.

One day, I will get to dance you under the moonlit sky to just the song in our hearts. Because to me our lives have become a romance novel that has not finished. No matter where you are, just know I hope you haven't stopped dreaming about us. I hope our dreams become reality. Our romance novel gets written through to the end. I hope you hear me every time I say I love you...

I want to dance with you...

I dreamt of you before you entered my world. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew?". It was the same dream my going to the door you're there on the outside. You'd say the same thing in each time because the dream never changed. You'd say " I'm never leaving you again!". I'd wake up from the dream lay there wondering "who the hell am I dreaming of? Why does he say that to me?" Then...

You came into my life for real just on a whim. You came into my group one night. Almost like you were looking for someone to hold you up while your life was so dark. We sat there talking for hours. You, me and my friend. You and I just kept chatting all night then all day. Time just got away from us. But we didn't care. To me in the beginning I was a friend helping a friend out of a bad situation.

We grew stronger over that weekend. You got strong enough to walk out and become a better man. Over time you have become stronger and better for yourself. Over time our worlds collided into one world of just us.
Our souls became one soul. We felt and heard each other without even needing to be in the same room let alone the same continent. I was your very first email ever. You were the first man I ever fell in love with. We spent so much time together we were putting our own separate lives on hold for each other.
Within a week I confessed how I loved you. Though I was afraid you weren't even there. I had to tell you how I felt. Then you surprised me by replying your feelings were the same. That you wanted to say it before but were afraid it was too soon. But after all the time we spent together it felt we were together for a year before we said when it hadnt even been a week.
Now remember I've never been in love. So feeling it scares me. Because that means deep inside throughout all the talking we've done, throughout all the healing we've dine to help each other let go of past pains throughout all the fussing, fighting and bickering you grabbed my soul and completed me. You molded me to fit your life. You made me feel at home and beautiful. I have never felt that before you. I dont ever want to feel it with another man either. For me you are all I needed in my life.
         You've let me into your world where I helped you through things as well. But something happened that took your heart away. I pray it's only temporary and that the dreams we shared do come true someday. Maybe everything just became too real for you and you got scared. Whatever it is holding you from becoming fully happy I hope you get passed so we can move on together.
I tell you this, Love. I love you for those months we spent together talking about anything and everything. Listening to music together. Feeling as if we were in the same room together even though we are too many miles apart. I felt you were just away on business. I still feel that way.

I think some of the negative people got to me saying let him go, he's not worth it. They don't know how worth it you really are. They don't know because they were there listening to us. They don't know the obstacles we climbed over just to love each other.
 We would snuggle in together telling each other sweet dreams and I love you as we fell asleep. We would wake up texting each other our I love yous. Those months we had together felt like years for me. Thank you for making me feel complete my Love.  I hope I am still your Babe. You are the only one I ever let me call me that. You know it. Just like you letting me get away with calling you by your name. I'm not done loving you. Take your time Love. But in the end get your butt home to me.
I want to dance under the moonlit skies above us to the music in our hearts. I want to kiss the man who owns my heart, goodnight. I want to watch you play with our son just as in our dreams. I want to lay on the couch watching the Golden Girls. We made a pact. I promised you forever. You agreed to onions and coconut, my Love.
Let's get on with our romance novel only we can write...

TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE...

I FINALLY HIT THAT SPOT WHERE THE LIES TO MY FACE AND HIS CONSTANT TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE HE ISNT LYING ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME ANYMORE. I AM MAD HE CARED MORE FOR GETTING HIMSELF MORE CHICKS TO LISTEN TO HIS LIES. I AM MAD I HAVENT BEEN STRONG ENOUGH TO GET RID OF HIM. HE IS ONLY HERE BECAUSE HE HASNT FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO "GO VISIT" AND CLAIM IT IS HIS COUSIN OR UNCLE. HE IS SITTING THERE LYING TO PEOPLE HOW HE IS A BIKER AND HE WORKS. I KNOW IT IS ONLY INTERNET, BUT DAMN THERE IS A THING CALLED KARMA THAT RUNS AROUND AND YOU THROWING OUT THE LIES IS GOING TO GET SOMEONE HURT. IGNORES ME, BUT IF I SAY SOMETHING HE LIES AND SAYS HE WANTS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME, YET HE PUTS ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT INTO SHOWING IT OR PROVING IT. HE BROKE DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM SO BAD I COULDNT FUNCTION TO GO GET A JOB. I WOULD GET GOING TO DO IT, WHEN THE TIME COMES HE WOULD START MAKING COMMENTS AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE STEPPED IN SHIT. HOW CAN A MAN WHO ISNT ANYTHING HIMSELF HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER SOMEONE HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH? I WISH I HAD THE STRENGTH TO GET THAT JOB, GET MONEY COMING IN AND TELL HIM GOODBYE.. I HAVE LOST SO MUCH BECAUSE OF HIM AND HE DOESNT EVEN CARE... UGH

pease to the loser from woburn who thinks hes all that....

I don't wanna be hurt, I don't wanna hear you say how youll never hurt, I don't wanna cry no more, I want to know what its like to smile and feel joy from inside out im not asking for too much just what id offer you a simple time of love a time when we can be more than just friends I want u as my companion someone by my side holding my hand keeping me safe and making me smile....................





right now I am taking a break from adding people to my friends list for games.... I only play a few and 2 of them I have a bunch of friends for them, I appreciate them I mean you guys a lot, more than you will ever know,,, but right now I gotta figure out who I can delete because I don't want to be just a number to someone, who helps me during the games and who speaks to me... I want to make friends from you   guys,


peace douche baggy lonely impotent man....haha


also if you are going to delete me please be kind enough to tell me inbox....ive noticed some people add me then delete me but im stuck with their names from the game we play that is the same so I have to go through and delete by blocking them.... believe me I like the ability to block people... one fool spoke bad about me blaming me then deleted me I saw his status still, almost like he waited for me to come on in order to delete me, but talking bs and deleting me just gets you blocked, don't tell me shitty dump line about picturing me being a drinker and stopped at a red light then you getting out and walking away, that is doesn't mean we are not friends blah blah blah, when you delete someone it means you are no longer friends...oh whipty do I wont miss you...I gotta better people in my life that wont make themselves look better than others just to satisfy their own egos....

a friend recently lost her mom...

SHE ASKED DOES IT EVER GET ANY EASIER WHEN IT COMES TO LOSING YOUR MOM AND NOT BEING ABLED TO CELEBRATE THINGS LIKE HER BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS WITH HER? THIS IS MY RESPONSE, I BEGAN TYPING IT, THEN REALIZED I NEEDED TO BLOG INSTEAD....





it depends on how close you were, my mother and I weren't exactly best of friends, after she died it took some getting use to not having to clean, feed or take of her after 2 years while she was dying, but I also didn't get time to mourn with my family they all faught me and had me in court right after she died trying to sue me for my house she lived in, maybe if I  had time to mourn it may have had a different effect but the first year it killed me not to make her a cake, every once in awhile I want to call her or my sister or my dad and chat or get together and have lunch with all my grandparents, but I cant... I have family here on this earth who think I should be dead because I wasn't a drug addict like them, because I wouldn't let them bully me into giving them everything, I have a sister still on this earth who I want to talk to, but am afraid she will ruin me trying to mend fences with her, isn't that sad? I have nephews and nieces I cant even see because my family fucking sucks...


 BECAUSE IM MISSING OUT ON MY FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRONG AND MEAN I CANT LOOK PASSED IT. I WANT SO BADLY TO BE ABLED TO CALL MY SISTER AND SAY HEY WHATCHA DOING?  BUT I CANT. I CANT PUSH MYSELF TO MOVE PASSED ALL THE PAIN THEY PUT ME THROUGH. ALL THE LOSS I LOST BECAUSE OF THEM. ALL THE HIDING I HAD TO DO. I HAVE LIVED IN FEAR FOR YEARS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID THEY WOULD KILL ME OR KIDNAP MY NIECE THAT I AM RAISING FOR MY DECEASED SISTER WHO WAS MURDERED BY HER BOYFRIEND WHO ALWAYS CHEATED ON HER AND BEAT HER. I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND PAY HIM TO LEAVE FOR GOOD BEFORE SHE DIED. JUST SO SHE COULD BE HERE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD SEEING HER DAUGHTER GROW INTO A BEAUTIFUL LADY SHE HAS THUS FAR. AT TIMES I WISH I COULD LOOK PASSED IT, BUT THEN I KNOW I CANT. THE LAST TIME I HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT MY FAMILY WAS THROUGH MY OLDEST BROTHERS EXGIRLFRIEND THE MOTHER OF HIS SON. WHO SAID HE WAS A DIABETIC AND HADNT CHANGED YET. THAT MY BABY BROTHER AND 3RD IN LINE BROTHER WERE STILL LIVING TOGETHER IN A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT WITH ONE OF THEIR GIRLFRIENDS. MY 2ND IN LINE BROTHER SHE DIDNT SAY TOO MUCH ABOUT HIM IF SHE DID I DONT REMEMBER. I REALLY DONT CARE EITHER. MY SISTER HAD BEEN WITH HER BOYFRIEND OMG CLOSE TO 20 YEARS WHEN HE KICKED HER OUT AND FOUND A YOUNG CHICK TO SHACK UP WITH AND MY SISTER WAS NOW A LESBIAN. HER BOYFRIEND HAD KICKED OUT THE KIDS TOO. MY OLDEST BROTHER AFTER CLOSE TO 18 YEARS OF FIGHTING IN COURT TO GET CUSTODY AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER FINALLY WON, BECAUSE MY NEPHEW WAS OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE HIS OWN CHOICE AND MY NEPHEW CHOSE MY BROTHER. WHY I WILL NEVER KNOW.  THE WHOLE SITUATION IS SO MESSED UP. I JUST HOPE IN MY NEXT LIFE I AM NOT STUCK WITH A FAMILY LIKE THAT. MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG HE WAS MY HERO. SADLY MY CAT REMINDS ME OF THE LOVE MY DAD KNEW AND GAVE ME. I HAVE HAD MY CAT 10 YEARS. IF HE WAS TO LEAVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I PROBABLY WOULDNT BE ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT. OR TALK. I WENT THROUGH ALOT LOSING A DOG, A CAT AND A MOUSE OVER A YEAR AGO, AND I AM STILL NOT HEALED FROM THAT. AND I AM ABOUT TO START A NEW JOB, OMG I AM SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THAT. AFTER 2 AND A HALF YEARS I GOT A JOB OFFER, JUST WAITING ON THE DRUG TEST RESULTS. I AM SCARED TO START WORKING, IT IS ONLY FOR 6 MONTHS BUT I AM SCARED TO HELL I MIGHT MESS U OR I WONT BE ABLE TO GRASP THE JOB CORRECTLY. WHICH IS STUPID IT IS SOMETHING I HAVE KNOWN AND DONE SINCE I WAS 15 AT MY FIRST JOB. UGH ANYWAYS I SHOULD END HERE FOR NOW. I HAVE LETTERS I NEED TO WRITE AND CLEANING TO DO AND WHATNOT... TAKE CARE

I'M SAD FOR THE CHANGES

SO IN A PERFECT WORLD MEN WOULDN'T HURT THE CHILDREN NOR A WOMAN. IN A PERFECT WORLD WOMEN WOULDN'T GOSSIP. IN A PERFECT WORLD THERE WOULD BE MORE "YES MA'AM, NO MA'AM, THANK YOU AND PLEASE" AND MAYBE A SPANKING OR TWO SO KIDS WOULD NOT ACT WRONG AND THINK IT IS OK. IN A PERFECT WORLD THERE WOULD BE NO DRUGS, NO GUNS FOR KILLING ANYTHING THAT AINT FOR SUPPER AND NO LIES. IN A PERFECT WORLD PEOPLE ...WOULD NOT TAKE GOD OUT OF SCHOOL, OFF OUR MONEY OR OUT OUR MOUTHS, THEN QUESTION "WHY DIDN'T GOD HELP ME?". IN A PREFECT WORLD WE WOULD NEED LESS AND APPRECIATE IT. PEOPLE WOULD HUG WHEN THEY GREET THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES. MAYBE A LIPSTICK STAIN FROM AUNT TUTTIE ON THE CHEEK. NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HATE WAS. THEN ONE BY ONE WE EACH LET SOMEONE ELSE TELL US WHAT TO BELIEVE, WHO TO BELIEVE AND WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT. AS ADULTS WE LEARN THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE WE MADE MISTAKES IN RAISING OUR CHILDREN DIFFERENTLY AND WRONG BECAUSE SOCIETY CHANGED US TO WHAT THEY ALL BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT WAS SAYING WAS RIGHT AND TRUE. THEN ONE BY ONE WE BEGIN TO HATE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THIS WEB WAS WEAVED AND NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK TO WHEN THINGS RAN BETTER AND SMOOTHER. PEOPLE WERE NICER. AND WE WERE NOT HIDING PAIN. HOW COME IT TAKES SOMEONE WHO WAS HURT TO DO WHAT THESE GUYS DID TO BRING A NATION TOGETHER WHEN WE SHOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN APART?