Recently I heard well more like read a text from a guy....
He says "You're a big girl, but you're beautiful". It has been bugging the shit out of me since I heard it. How do you say that to someone you claim you fell in love with? For over a week he couldn't make up his mind what he wanted said he was taking time off from talking to me because I made him crazy he couldn't sleep etc. Then a day later he sends me a message how he figured his problem out, that he was in love with me.. Today he sends me that text. " you're a big girl, but you're beautiful". Ever since I've been turned off.
Dude I'm not fat. I have huge tits. But hey you go find a skinny chick to fuck with the head of. Because I'll find a man who won't point out my body size. Because seriously that had to be what your problem was! You took a liking to a bigger than size 6 chick. And you can't figure out how or why. Maybe because I'm too independent and I'm not out for your fucking money. I don't give a shit how fucking rich or poor a man is. But the second you make me feel inadequate I've lost interest I your shallow shit. Yup, you were right, you're not the man for me. Because I don't want to kissing some guy then hear out his mouth "I love your fat" because no woman wants to hear it. And if she does then she is mentally fucked up.
Then the line " I want to pretending we are something we aren't". What's that even mean? But you go onto to talking about sex. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. But either way I can't go backwards. I'm just moving forward. With or without a man beside me in bed, with or without a man beside me as I walk through my journey through life. I'm making me happy.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
let me clear my throat.....
big·ot
ˈbiɡət/
noun
a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions.....
a·the·ist
ˈāTHēəst/
noun
a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.......
Both are ignorant words, but many chose to be one or the other, sometimes both. When I was young another word I was taught was nigger. Back then I was taught it has two main meanings 1. Ignorant person and 2. A black person. I was told never to use the word because even if I was using it to call someone ignorant it could hurt someone or get me hurt. I was taught that by our neighbor Woody. He was a black guy. No, I don't know why tonight these words he taught me about has come to mind. But I want to talk about this for a bit. Okay? And I am going to refer to the word nigger as ignorant in my discussion. Just so y'all know beforehand.
Nigger is a noun meaning to be of ignorance .....
Which one is worse to be? Let me stop you right there! I want you to continue reading this before you comment. Undeniable they are all full of sadness and those choosing to be any of those are full of sadness. Let me through this in there.... Anyone referring to their friend as a nigger to call him/her homeboy/home girl is full of sadness too. Why are any of those continuing to be used in this day and age?? Aren't we hurting each other enough with other mean words and our fists and knives and guns?
Seriously tell me why would you chose to be a bigot when one day you're going to need help during a car accident and the only one who will be there to give you a shoulder to cry on while waiting for the ambulance could be a person of another race. In a time of need you will not be thinking get away from me black person or Chinese or white person. You're going to be thinking "please hold me while I cry".
Atheist.. Why is it so hard to believe someone or something created us many years ago from nothing? We are made of science and history. We are made to evolve through love and kindness. Yet you choose to believe you came from nothing. Why? Because you don't have direct answers as to why if God created us to love, by is he allowing so much sadness going on on this Earth? Why be an atheist, when you can choose to believe there is something some higher being out there that created everything from nothing just as you create a garden from dirt and a seed? Miracles happen when we believe in ourselves. When we believe in ourselves we can overcome a lot of things. When you lay down and make a baby you are being like a God in a sense. Let me tell you why.. Ready? Well God the higher being loved himself and life itself he created so much from nothing because he wanted others to experience pure happiness just as he did. Yes, we have all read many types of bibles. But they all come down to the same thing.... Love.
Ignorance.. Nigger... Why be it? Why be anything so sad and negative that it hurts not just you, but your family, your friends and all those you come in contact with throughout your day? Instead of choosing to be something or someone mean and full of sadness and hatred, why not stop that behavior and start changing the past to make your present better by showing love and tolerance for the wicked. Why not change your child's future by being nice to everyone to their face and behind their backs? Stop using the word nigger when referring to your friends too. Yes, you are proud of your friends so then call them better names instead of using a word that ultimately you wouldnt allow a stranger to call you. Instead of saying "what's up nigger?" Say "what's up friend?"
I'm a white girl who grew up in an all black neighborhood. I don't see humans having color as an insult. We are all of the same flesh and blood. My first boyfriend was black. I dated Dominican guys, white, Puerto Rican and Portuguese. It doesn't matter the race of the person or the skin complexion or color. If a person is going to mistreat you they will. If a person is going to love you they will. Isn't that all that matters when you sit down thinking about it? The love that can be shared between people? To me being a bigot, an atheist or a nigger just means someone wasn't loved right as a child and didn't learn right from wrong. If you're not happy. Stop what you're doing and fix it....
ˈbiɡət/
noun
a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions.....
a·the·ist
ˈāTHēəst/
noun
a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.......
Both are ignorant words, but many chose to be one or the other, sometimes both. When I was young another word I was taught was nigger. Back then I was taught it has two main meanings 1. Ignorant person and 2. A black person. I was told never to use the word because even if I was using it to call someone ignorant it could hurt someone or get me hurt. I was taught that by our neighbor Woody. He was a black guy. No, I don't know why tonight these words he taught me about has come to mind. But I want to talk about this for a bit. Okay? And I am going to refer to the word nigger as ignorant in my discussion. Just so y'all know beforehand.
Nigger is a noun meaning to be of ignorance .....
Which one is worse to be? Let me stop you right there! I want you to continue reading this before you comment. Undeniable they are all full of sadness and those choosing to be any of those are full of sadness. Let me through this in there.... Anyone referring to their friend as a nigger to call him/her homeboy/home girl is full of sadness too. Why are any of those continuing to be used in this day and age?? Aren't we hurting each other enough with other mean words and our fists and knives and guns?
Seriously tell me why would you chose to be a bigot when one day you're going to need help during a car accident and the only one who will be there to give you a shoulder to cry on while waiting for the ambulance could be a person of another race. In a time of need you will not be thinking get away from me black person or Chinese or white person. You're going to be thinking "please hold me while I cry".
Atheist.. Why is it so hard to believe someone or something created us many years ago from nothing? We are made of science and history. We are made to evolve through love and kindness. Yet you choose to believe you came from nothing. Why? Because you don't have direct answers as to why if God created us to love, by is he allowing so much sadness going on on this Earth? Why be an atheist, when you can choose to believe there is something some higher being out there that created everything from nothing just as you create a garden from dirt and a seed? Miracles happen when we believe in ourselves. When we believe in ourselves we can overcome a lot of things. When you lay down and make a baby you are being like a God in a sense. Let me tell you why.. Ready? Well God the higher being loved himself and life itself he created so much from nothing because he wanted others to experience pure happiness just as he did. Yes, we have all read many types of bibles. But they all come down to the same thing.... Love.
Ignorance.. Nigger... Why be it? Why be anything so sad and negative that it hurts not just you, but your family, your friends and all those you come in contact with throughout your day? Instead of choosing to be something or someone mean and full of sadness and hatred, why not stop that behavior and start changing the past to make your present better by showing love and tolerance for the wicked. Why not change your child's future by being nice to everyone to their face and behind their backs? Stop using the word nigger when referring to your friends too. Yes, you are proud of your friends so then call them better names instead of using a word that ultimately you wouldnt allow a stranger to call you. Instead of saying "what's up nigger?" Say "what's up friend?"
I'm a white girl who grew up in an all black neighborhood. I don't see humans having color as an insult. We are all of the same flesh and blood. My first boyfriend was black. I dated Dominican guys, white, Puerto Rican and Portuguese. It doesn't matter the race of the person or the skin complexion or color. If a person is going to mistreat you they will. If a person is going to love you they will. Isn't that all that matters when you sit down thinking about it? The love that can be shared between people? To me being a bigot, an atheist or a nigger just means someone wasn't loved right as a child and didn't learn right from wrong. If you're not happy. Stop what you're doing and fix it....
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
🍫 isn't helping...
Not sure what it is today I'm just sad. Can't figure it out. Doesn't matter the song.. I'm crying. Guess I'm just missing something or someone....
Only time will tell...
Only time will tell...
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
13 years and 28 before...
In my life I have lost many people. One being my bestfriend, my sister. Another being my hero, my Dad. My Dad died 2 days before his birthday, February 3rd, 1986. My sister died on his birthday, February 5th, 2002. Right now the one person I want near me doesn't want to be near me. I was trying my hardest not to think of this month or the anniversaries of two of the greatest people I've ever known. But I'm getting pissed off at people. Can't stand people being so close to me. Every year I'm so used to being alone and keeping busy so I won't have to think. Think about people I can't see face to face nor pick up the phone and call. The things they miss out on because they can't be here physically. My sister didn't get to be here and raise her daughter to the beautiful woman she has become. My Dad didn't get to be here guiding me either. I wish the one person I want to walk through life with would change his mind and come here and hold me up. Or at least give me a dry tissue. I know I have a box right next to me, but it's the thought he'd walk over grab a tissue and hand it to me that counts.
I can barely remember much about my dad. Seriously, what I remember... He worked at Sherwin Williams, he brought me to the children's museum in Boston when I was a kid, showed me the bunnies and the big telephone, my hand got shut in the car door he walked with me on the beach at nantaskett he found a rock it was flat and rock he told me the story of how the indians would rub the rocks and the pain would go away, we moved to Maine, he became a radio DJ and died.. The night he died he made me a promise he didn't keep... "Down and back, I'll be right back. I promise. Just going for a jar of sauce". He died on the stores floor. The nightmares began that night. Aliens coming and killing people, me hiding under the bed and my dad coming and saying " it's okay", but it wasn't. Never will be okay again... He will never get to hear kids calling him "geepa". Never walk me down the aisle if I ever get married...he will never dance with me again, eat pepperoni or sardines with mustard on crackers again, never drink beer or watch baseball with me again, most of all he won't ever hug me again..
My sister, I'm beginning to forget a lot about her too. Seriously I don't remember anything with her when we were kids. I know she was there. Just don't remember it. What I remember is as teens we would skip school together, go to Chinatown and to the movies, we'd walk Carson beach with friends, go to Sam Goody's and Woolworth's and check dudes out, I remember being at the frog pond the day she met Rains father with Becky, shain and Dmae. I remember hanging with her and Mona at the park on a hot summers night drinking a 40, her getting me to smoke pot that one time I hallucinated my dad was in front of me me begging him to help me up the stairs, I remember she hit a stage where she wouldn't go anywhere, her passing out on the train after she and I went walking downtown I swore up and down she was pregnant, low and behold few months later Rain was born. I feel I'm partly to blame for her being dead. If I didn't yell "she thinks you're cute" she wouldn't have met rains father, she wouldn't have been abused and ultimately murdered by him. Dawn is losing out on so much of her daughters growing up. Like her first crush, first kiss, first drivers lesson, her graduation next year, her daughter falling in love and getting married. Her grandkids.
They miss out on so much stuff.
I wanted to fall in love with a guy just like the 3 men who meant so much to me. My dad and my grandfathers. They were the last of the good men. Or so I thought. I wanted a guy who was kind heart, handsome, sweet, sincere, caring, loving, who would fight for me, fight with me and make up by bringing me a flower and talking with me, a man who had taste in suits, wore nice hats, gambled yet knew when to quit. I wanted a hard working man who came home to lay in bed with me every night. Until his dying day. I wanted a man who would love me loving him. I thought I met him. No, I know I met him. Even with all the miles in between us. We met. But then he disappeared just as fast as he came into my life. Now tonight instead of being held by loving arms while I'm crying I lay here alone. Never understanding truly what happened to pull him away so fast. Just wish God would bring him back to me... With him I felt alive. With him I felt happy inside and out. With him I learned to fall in love with my soul. I miss him. I miss me. I miss us...he will never know how much he effected me, just like my dad, just like my sister... He's gone too...
I can barely remember much about my dad. Seriously, what I remember... He worked at Sherwin Williams, he brought me to the children's museum in Boston when I was a kid, showed me the bunnies and the big telephone, my hand got shut in the car door he walked with me on the beach at nantaskett he found a rock it was flat and rock he told me the story of how the indians would rub the rocks and the pain would go away, we moved to Maine, he became a radio DJ and died.. The night he died he made me a promise he didn't keep... "Down and back, I'll be right back. I promise. Just going for a jar of sauce". He died on the stores floor. The nightmares began that night. Aliens coming and killing people, me hiding under the bed and my dad coming and saying " it's okay", but it wasn't. Never will be okay again... He will never get to hear kids calling him "geepa". Never walk me down the aisle if I ever get married...he will never dance with me again, eat pepperoni or sardines with mustard on crackers again, never drink beer or watch baseball with me again, most of all he won't ever hug me again..
My sister, I'm beginning to forget a lot about her too. Seriously I don't remember anything with her when we were kids. I know she was there. Just don't remember it. What I remember is as teens we would skip school together, go to Chinatown and to the movies, we'd walk Carson beach with friends, go to Sam Goody's and Woolworth's and check dudes out, I remember being at the frog pond the day she met Rains father with Becky, shain and Dmae. I remember hanging with her and Mona at the park on a hot summers night drinking a 40, her getting me to smoke pot that one time I hallucinated my dad was in front of me me begging him to help me up the stairs, I remember she hit a stage where she wouldn't go anywhere, her passing out on the train after she and I went walking downtown I swore up and down she was pregnant, low and behold few months later Rain was born. I feel I'm partly to blame for her being dead. If I didn't yell "she thinks you're cute" she wouldn't have met rains father, she wouldn't have been abused and ultimately murdered by him. Dawn is losing out on so much of her daughters growing up. Like her first crush, first kiss, first drivers lesson, her graduation next year, her daughter falling in love and getting married. Her grandkids.
They miss out on so much stuff.
I wanted to fall in love with a guy just like the 3 men who meant so much to me. My dad and my grandfathers. They were the last of the good men. Or so I thought. I wanted a guy who was kind heart, handsome, sweet, sincere, caring, loving, who would fight for me, fight with me and make up by bringing me a flower and talking with me, a man who had taste in suits, wore nice hats, gambled yet knew when to quit. I wanted a hard working man who came home to lay in bed with me every night. Until his dying day. I wanted a man who would love me loving him. I thought I met him. No, I know I met him. Even with all the miles in between us. We met. But then he disappeared just as fast as he came into my life. Now tonight instead of being held by loving arms while I'm crying I lay here alone. Never understanding truly what happened to pull him away so fast. Just wish God would bring him back to me... With him I felt alive. With him I felt happy inside and out. With him I learned to fall in love with my soul. I miss him. I miss me. I miss us...he will never know how much he effected me, just like my dad, just like my sister... He's gone too...
Monday, February 2, 2015
they sat write it out...
They say write it out, it'll help heal you. Problem is it's too deep. I write and I write and I write. But you're still there in my head fucking with me. I stop to listen to mumbling your shit, but it's aggravating the shit out of me. I want you face to face to me with the privilege to just slap you once. Then I can move on to either love you unconditional if you want me to. Or I can move on and have you out my system. How was it so easy for you to say love love love oh I will come to America and go everywhere and become fat from eating everything in sight. I believed everything you said to me. Even when it made no sense. You made me laugh when I didn't want to laugh. You made me hate you at the same time fall deeper in love with you. Then just as fast as you entered my world, you left. No real honest reason to it either. There's a wish I hold in my heart, that you'd either come home to me or leave my heart and memory so I could move on and stop hating everything and feeling depressed like I want to take my own life. I have so much to live for, yet for weeks now I think if I didn't have any animals taken my life would be so easy. Truly, I don't believe any human would miss me.
This is supposed to be my year. You were supposed to be part of it. Now I'm just lost. And alone. Never felt this hollow before. I want to stop crying and feeling this way. I'm not going to write to you anymore at your email nor any other way I know how to contact you. I love you. But I need to let you. I need to learn to breath again. I need to learn to fill myself with joy and happiness and love and be honest to myself. I'm turning 38 this year. I want to fall in love and get married and have a good mans baby. It's my turn to live. It's sad you fell apart from us. But it's life. I'm not letting you hold me back. I love you, I'm letting you go... Letting you go be alone and miserable and unfulfilled... If you choose to change I will be your friend. I love you, I'm sorry and thank you. Oh and I forgive you....
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
ten week affair...
We met fast one night. Never thought it could turn into a ten week long super romance. You came saying how you were in a bad situation. I was there lending you an ear. As a friend or so I thought.
Not in a million years did I ever think I could fall in love with a man the way I did. I've loved men but never have I been in love before. This guy got me to feel feelings I never wanted to feel. But he got into my soul. Made me feel at home.
It happened so fast. Without a warning. Within a week we were saying I love you. He was afraid of telling me his name and showing me his picture. But he did. He was handsome. Funny it had been years since I called any man handsome. The last guy I called handsome earned his name. But this guy looked handsome in the way he dressed and the way he looked.
This guy open many wounds from my past and helped me heal passed them. But at the same time he was taking things from me. I didn't even notice until it was too late. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. We spoke so much it felt like he was right here. In the same room with me.
He was 3,200 miles away. He told me so much about himself. As I told him so much about me and my past. We would feel so comfortable with each other it felt at times he was inside my head. I'd lay on my bed it would feel he was right here laying with me.
There were times we would lay together and dream the same dreams. Talk of being together. He'd come for a visit and then move here to be with me. It felt so real. I believed it would happen. He never gave me reason not to believe he would be here with me.
Ten weeks, we dreamt the same dream of love and happiness. We had our little pet names for each other. Ways to pick on each other. If we argued we spoke it out. Ten weeks in, something happened.
It's been five weeks since it all fell apart. Crumbled like dry bread. We were going so good. Then something happened inside of him he began to pull away and talk less. When he did talk he began finding petty things to argue over to push me away or cause a scene in front of people.
He began lying to me and others around. I figured he was just getting cold feet. Was scared of something so wonderful could happen because he's so used to bad things happening he had to ruin us. So he didn't have to experience something so wonderful. Because he's not ready for it.
I wanted to hold on to him and hope. But holding on means I had to hurt. So I prayed on it. God answered. So for now my life is going on without him. When the time is right and he is truly ready god will lead us back together again. But for now I can only hope and pray for him. He needs to heal from his past so he can experience good in his life. I believe he is a good man.
He deserves happiness and love. All humans do. But my life right now is about making myself first and taking advantage of what God has for me. This is my year. This year I will be happy and in love with life. It may have to be with nother man, but that man will get my all.
And if ten week romance never comes around to finish our journey together at least I have those ten weeks to remember something beautiful. I'm not his loss. He's not my loss. We are not over. He knows it. He just needs to get strong enough to finish what he started.
Ten week romance..... Five weeks still recovering....
Not in a million years did I ever think I could fall in love with a man the way I did. I've loved men but never have I been in love before. This guy got me to feel feelings I never wanted to feel. But he got into my soul. Made me feel at home.
It happened so fast. Without a warning. Within a week we were saying I love you. He was afraid of telling me his name and showing me his picture. But he did. He was handsome. Funny it had been years since I called any man handsome. The last guy I called handsome earned his name. But this guy looked handsome in the way he dressed and the way he looked.
This guy open many wounds from my past and helped me heal passed them. But at the same time he was taking things from me. I didn't even notice until it was too late. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. We spoke so much it felt like he was right here. In the same room with me.
He was 3,200 miles away. He told me so much about himself. As I told him so much about me and my past. We would feel so comfortable with each other it felt at times he was inside my head. I'd lay on my bed it would feel he was right here laying with me.
There were times we would lay together and dream the same dreams. Talk of being together. He'd come for a visit and then move here to be with me. It felt so real. I believed it would happen. He never gave me reason not to believe he would be here with me.
Ten weeks, we dreamt the same dream of love and happiness. We had our little pet names for each other. Ways to pick on each other. If we argued we spoke it out. Ten weeks in, something happened.
It's been five weeks since it all fell apart. Crumbled like dry bread. We were going so good. Then something happened inside of him he began to pull away and talk less. When he did talk he began finding petty things to argue over to push me away or cause a scene in front of people.
He began lying to me and others around. I figured he was just getting cold feet. Was scared of something so wonderful could happen because he's so used to bad things happening he had to ruin us. So he didn't have to experience something so wonderful. Because he's not ready for it.
I wanted to hold on to him and hope. But holding on means I had to hurt. So I prayed on it. God answered. So for now my life is going on without him. When the time is right and he is truly ready god will lead us back together again. But for now I can only hope and pray for him. He needs to heal from his past so he can experience good in his life. I believe he is a good man.
He deserves happiness and love. All humans do. But my life right now is about making myself first and taking advantage of what God has for me. This is my year. This year I will be happy and in love with life. It may have to be with nother man, but that man will get my all.
And if ten week romance never comes around to finish our journey together at least I have those ten weeks to remember something beautiful. I'm not his loss. He's not my loss. We are not over. He knows it. He just needs to get strong enough to finish what he started.
Ten week romance..... Five weeks still recovering....
Friday, December 26, 2014
i want to dance with you... part one I thought chichi deleted but yay I found it!!!
From the first moment you entered my world I felt a connection with you. I dreamt of you before you entered my life. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew in my dreams?". I never knew until that night you would come real to me. We spent so many nights talking and falling for each other. I was afraid of saying " I love you" to you. For I have never been in love before. We have never touched hands let alone kissed. But as we grew closer and dreaming the same dreams. You became more real to me then anyone has before. We are of many miles apart, but when we spoke to each other I felt as if you were right here in the same room with me.
There were nights we never said "goodnight" but simply stayed talking with each other so we had many good nights. I loved you before I even laid my eyes on your pictures of your handsome face. But the moment I saw your face my dreams became real. You were the guy in my dream. You told me your name. My heart fluttered, my gut did its little butterfly dance. I became scared of you. Because I knew you were the one for me.
We would fall asleep talking with each other, snuggling, telling each other we love for one another. We would dream the same dream. Connecting us even more. I loved you even more.
We would talk of our past pains and sufferings, healing each other. We would argue, fuss and fight. But we would make somehow never give up. We would make amends. Fall deeper in love.
Something happened to take you away from me. I miss you so much. All I want to do is hold you and talk with you. I miss you. Maybe you feel the same. But who knows, but you? I can not picture myself with another man. Because after you who can compare to you? Who can make me feel safe at home and beautiful like you did?
I didn't care if you were rich nor poor. Because I felt complete with you. Funny even though we are not talking right now. I still feel you near me. I still feel complete. I smile for no reason. Then I feel you in my heart. I hear you in my thoughts. I still love you.
One day, I will get to dance you under the moonlit sky to just the song in our hearts. Because to me our lives have become a romance novel that has not finished. No matter where you are, just know I hope you haven't stopped dreaming about us. I hope our dreams become reality. Our romance novel gets written through to the end. I hope you hear me every time I say I love you...
There were nights we never said "goodnight" but simply stayed talking with each other so we had many good nights. I loved you before I even laid my eyes on your pictures of your handsome face. But the moment I saw your face my dreams became real. You were the guy in my dream. You told me your name. My heart fluttered, my gut did its little butterfly dance. I became scared of you. Because I knew you were the one for me.
We would fall asleep talking with each other, snuggling, telling each other we love for one another. We would dream the same dream. Connecting us even more. I loved you even more.
We would talk of our past pains and sufferings, healing each other. We would argue, fuss and fight. But we would make somehow never give up. We would make amends. Fall deeper in love.
Something happened to take you away from me. I miss you so much. All I want to do is hold you and talk with you. I miss you. Maybe you feel the same. But who knows, but you? I can not picture myself with another man. Because after you who can compare to you? Who can make me feel safe at home and beautiful like you did?
I didn't care if you were rich nor poor. Because I felt complete with you. Funny even though we are not talking right now. I still feel you near me. I still feel complete. I smile for no reason. Then I feel you in my heart. I hear you in my thoughts. I still love you.
One day, I will get to dance you under the moonlit sky to just the song in our hearts. Because to me our lives have become a romance novel that has not finished. No matter where you are, just know I hope you haven't stopped dreaming about us. I hope our dreams become reality. Our romance novel gets written through to the end. I hope you hear me every time I say I love you...
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