dear john or is it?

john came into my life in a happen by night kind of way. i was working at a gas station convenience store kind of thing. he pulled in with his truck to get gas. he walked into the store and i said "can i have the keys to my truck back now?" threw him off. here i am a perfect stranger asking for keys to his truck. its a gorgeous truck, big red and a tundra. at the time i was in love with trucks and tundras were my fave at the moment so it fit to give him the joke. hey it made him laugh and it started a friendship. he got $20 in gas and a pack of marlboro 100s. and left. i said to myself "that is a guy i wouldnt mind waking up next to every morning" and i said "dear god bring him back into my life" after that nothing else was thought besides i figured id never see him again. the next day he came into the store and i said to him the same question and he tossed the keys on the counter and said "here have it but im not helping with the gas" we got to talking and he told me he was working down at universal and we just spoke for a few minutes and i thought damn he is handsome and those brown eyes drew me further because his eyes were dark and gorgeous. he is a tall and sexy tanned man. it was winter but he was sexy. and yup i wanted to know him. after about 5 weeks he finally got the balls and asked for my number but the way he asked was funny he said he needed my number to make sure he gives me the keys to my truck back sometime. and by that time it was spring and the ground was thawed and golf season was open i found out he was a golfer, um hello other then football players golfers have the sexiest backs! anyways we texted all the time, flirted and became friends. there were times we had spats and we wouldnt talk for a few days. but he always had a knack of coming in the store and smiling and leaning against the counter driving me crazy in a good way and getting me to forgive him and we would be back to being friends. seriously if the man asked me to visit him during good hours and sleep over i most likely would have. i had been to his house once but he was getting ready for work. and the only time he would ask me to go over was when he was getting ready for bed, and i didnt want to be a booty call. i just wanted to be near him, if sex happened back then i probably wouldnt mind it back then i wanted the man in many ways really, but i was scared to open up based on i didnt want to be rejected, and i had nate who was just a friend staying with me going through health issues i was embarrassed but he and i drifted apart in the winter of 2010 i was beginning to be upset at my job and everything around me, he got to a point he would only call when he needed money which he wasnt good at paying back, i got to a point i couldnt and wouldnt keep helping out. so i just stopped replying to his texts and calls. i drifted apart. but i cant remember why or how we got back into talking later that year. but we did. and what sucked was i was doing what i can to not be inlove with him and in the end of 2010 i took a new job across town in a store i was sure he wouldnt stop at if he didnt know i was there, for awhile we didnt speak and around march of 2011 we got back in touch with each other and i found out one of his dogs scarlet had just died the month before and he lost his job at universal and for a few months we were off and on talking, i finally confessed to him how i felt towards him and all he said was "that was obvious" and for 10 days i didnt hear anything from him this was august 2011 at that point and i got hurt because to me that was rejection when he goes silent towards me after that, i told him i couldnt do it anymore and stopped talking to him. i didnt send him a birthday card, no christmas card. new years eve i sent a text hope your next year is better. and he calls me back and says why you wishing that for me? whats so good about it? and i said im just hoping this year is better than last year seeing last year wasnt all that easy for you. we hung up. i never thought of him again. until the middle of march he began being on my mind alot. in the beginning of april he became part of my dreams and he was sad every time i saw him in my dreams and i spoke to rain about it and she told me to text him, i wrote a note telling him to call me and after 10 minutes i gave in and texted him to find out he lost his house and he was basically homeless and staying at a friends house who wanted him out in 2 days, i offered him to come here and stay. he did. the first weekend i figured he wanted to be alone to think and figure things out and he took it as i wasnt interested in being near him and wanted him gone. gosh that was so far from the truth. i went and ran some errands one day on a tuesday and came home to find him leaving. he had an old neighbor meeting him at walmart to leave, i was hurt and he left. he doesnt have his license because he speeds and gets tickets and didnt pay them. i didnt know he didnt have a license. so anyways he left was gone 4 day when i brought him back home. he said he felt he didnt belong thats why he left and my neighbors son pj was using my phone for drug calls. the first actual weekend he was here he began the conversation of asking me to be with him in a relationship. that day he was happy and giving me kisses and hugs. then the next day he began pulling away from me. i knew something was wrong but didnt say anything. 2 days later i asked what the hell is going on? he said to me he isnt ready for a relationship, but he wanted me to hold on until he is ready. i already waited years for guys before him. i hit that spot where im done waiting and  to be honest i already waited for him. now im just getting my heart beating everyday......ill have to finish this when i come back...ok so im back, i went to the lake with some friends and came home to do the hot dogs on the grill. anyways, back to john, i waited 3 years for him to actually make the move if he wanted something with me. then last year i confessed how i felt and got shot down. now im just getting told i give him no respect. yet its ok for him to sit here and fuck with my head and heart ?  but im wrong because he thinks its ok to ignore me. well im done waiting and i deserve better than a guy wasting my time. he tells me we moved passed him telling me to wait for him and that i said im done waiting. i am he either wanted me then or he doesnt want me at all.  yet he didnt reply maybe i shouldve left him living where he was basically on the street. shit with all the friends he has im sure one of them could have giving him a couch to sleep on? yet here he has my bed and i sleep on the couch. im so tired of men right now really, i cant do this anymore. i cant have some guy living in my house when he doesnt want me, and he is stopping me from finding someone who wants to spend time with me.  i yelled at him again because he began yelling at me, i told him to get out. part of me is being stupid im not sure which part.

something i haven done in forever

tonight i was feeling the urge to go out and do something so i took a sheet and laid on my lawn and thought awhile what it was i needed to do because i was bored and couldnt fathom cleaning because id start and get frustrated because its too humid. well my friends dog and my cat were walking down the street side by side and i said well i guess i will take cinnamin for a walk, i havent taken a dog for a walk since star died, i mean i took the puppies for quick walks but not like this tonight i walked cinnamin all over and played with fireflies i was tossing them at her and she was catching them and her tongue glowed so cool. we were out for about 45 minutes i dropped her back at the house and took my boys out in plans to go the same route and play with the fireflies again. but 3 quarters of the way i got distracted and stopped to talk to a friend and her kids and see how the wedding they went to was, they showed me broccoli they were growing because i gave them the plants after i bought them for myself and decided i didnt want them anymore because it meant id have to plant them in the ground but i didnt feel like it. but anyways, for 2 hours i was out the house walking dogs and i came to the idea  maybe just maybe things will turn around for me i just need to keep at it. i do need to get out of this house, but i first need to get a job and money coming in and start saving some here and there and in 2 years maybe i will have enough to move from my trailer into a home. i can only hope and keep faith. johns been here almost 2 months and things have turned around for him so fast, hes in school and going to a job interview on tuesday, maybe he and i can come up with something where the house is his and i can move somewhere else and i mean afterall the trailer paid for in full he wont have to worry about mortgage and losing it and when he gets tired of living here he can move out and i can come back i dont know but it is something to ponder some more.
speaking of john i didnt finish what i was sayin lastnight and gosh it still hasnt hit me what i saying but i dont mind right now im in a good mood and the past is the past and as of right now im only thinking of the future. and i want to have a barbeque, this stinks i didnt prepare my life for fun hahas for me i guess, anyways more tomorrow, im going to give john back my laptop so he can play his games...
have a good night..

HOROSCOPES

I AM BEGINNING TO THINK MAYBE HOROSCOPES ARENT MEANT TO TELL US FIBS BUT MAYBE INTRODUCE US TO THINGS WE MAY THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE?  I READ  MY HOROSCOPE THE OTHER NIGHT AND IT SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT THAT I SHOULD GO AFTER WHAT I WANT AND TO HELL WITH THOSE WHO DONT WANT ME TO WIN THE RACE.. TONIGHT IM READING ONE IN A MAGAZINE WHERE THEY ARE BASED FOR THE UPCOMING MONTH AND IT SAYS IN THE BEGINNING OF JUNE I WILL HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO A FRIEND. RIGHT NOW MY LIFE CONSISTS OF LITERALLY 4 OR 5 PEOPLE I ACTUALLY SPEAK TO THAT I WOULD CALL A FRIEND. YOU KNOW SOMEONE YOU TEND TO COUNT ON WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED OR A GOOD CONVERSATION AND MORAL SUPPORT.  WELL I FIND IT FUNNY, BECAUSE IN JANUARY I HAD A FRIEND WALK OUT ON ME AND HE CLAIMS HE REGRETS WALKING OUT THE SECOND TIME. SEE HE WALKED OUT AND WAS GONE A MONTH. RETURNED TO WALK OUT YET AGAIN 5 DAYS LATER. SINCE THEN I HAVE CRIED FOR HIM. HURT FOR HIM. OVERCAME HIM. THE ONLY REASON I KEEP HIM AROUND RIGHT NOW IS BECAUSE OF HIS SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK HE HAS ME AS HIS REP PAYEE.  SO I COLLECT HIS CHECK EVERY MONTH. NOT MUCH OF A CHECK EITHER BECAUSE HE KEEPS AVOIDING DOING THE PAPER WORK TO GET HIS HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED.  ONCE HE DOES HIS CHECKS WILL GO BACK UP. BUT ANYWAYS, HE ISNT HERE BUT I STILL GET HIS CHECKS, HE SAYS BECAUSE I NEED THE MONEY HE WONT TAKE IT AWAY.  BUT I KNOW HE WILL EVENTUALLY BECAUSE HE IS A HEARTLESS PRICK OF A MAN IN MY EYES. A BIG TIME CHEATER WHO WALKED OUT ON ME AFTER ASKIN IF ID BE WITH HIM IN A RELATIONSHIP. THANK GOD NO SEX WAS INVOLVED.   HE LEFT TO BE WITH A WOMAN HE MET ONLINE THROUGH OKCUPID.COM...SERIOUSLY HE ISNT ALL THAT TO LOOK AT. HE HAD SOME GOOD POINTS. BUT REALLY IF HE IS NOT AN HONEST MAN IT MAKES HIM UGLY. AM I RIGHT OR WRONG ON THAT ONE LADIES? THE SAME GOES FOR WOMEN, YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE DROPDEAD GORGEOUS AND SHE CAN OPEN HER MOUTH AND SAY THE CRUELEST THING AND MAKE HERSELF UGLY. WHEREAS YOU CAN FIND A HERMIT CRAB AND SHE DOES SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS SMILE AND SHE BECOMES BEAUTIFUL OVERTIME YOU GET TO KNOW HER AND SHE BECOMES THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.  AND YOU WONDER HOW YOU LIVED YOUR PIFE WITHOUT HER BEFORE?  FUNNY HOW LIFE IS LIKE THAT. RIGHT NOW I HAVE MY FRIEN LIVING WITH ME. HIS NAME IS JOHN. NO IM NOT CHANGING HIS NAME FOR SAFETY REASONS. SERIOUSLY WHY BOTHER?  BUT ANYWAYS JOHN JUST WENT THROUGH SOME HARD THINGS TO GO THROUGH BY HIMSELF. HE LOST HIS LICENSE 2 YEARS AGO, WHICH MADE HIM LOSE HIS JOB BECAUSE HE COULDNT GET THERE. THEN ONE OF HIS DOGS SCARLET DIED. THEN HE WENT THROUGH LOSING HIS HOUSE TO BEING HOMELESS.  GOD PUT HIM INTO MY THOUGHTS AND KEPT HIM THERE UNTIL I GOT IN TOUCH WITH HIM. HE HAS BEEN HERE 7 WEEKS MINUS 3 DAYS HE TOOK OFF BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I DIDNT WANT HIM HERE. GOD KNOWS MY HEART. I POURED MY HEART OUT TO THIS GUY LAST YEAR, TELLING HIM HOW I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM.  BUT BECAUSE HE DIDNT RESPOND I TOLD HIM TO FORGET IT AND I COULDNT BE HIS FRIEND ANYMORE AT THAT POINT.  FUNNY HOW GOD TAKES PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND PUT THEM BACK IN.  FOR 4 YEARS JOHN AND I HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF EACH OTHERS LIVES. BUT THIS TIME HE MOVED INTO MY HOME.  HIM, HIS OTHER DOG CINNAMIN AND ALOT OF HIS STUFF.  IM THINKING HE WOULD STAY HERE UNTIL HE GOT HIS FEET BACK ON THE GROUND.  BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HES MOVING IN TO STAY..  BELIEVE ME AS A FRIEND I DONT MIND. BECAUSE I LOVE BEING ABLED TO HELP HIM. BUT IN MY HEART IM DYING BECAUSE IM TRYING TO LET GO OF THE INLOVE PART I HAD FOR HIM. BUT HE MADE IT COME OUT WHEN A MONTH AGO HE ASKED ME FOR A RELATIONSHIP. THEN 3 DAYS LATER HE SAYS HE ISNT READY FOR IT. THAT CRUSHED ME AND MADE ME HAVE A LITTLE HATRED TOWARDS HIM FOR HURTING ME AGAIN.  YES I UNDERSTAND HES GOING THROUGH THINGS HE NEEDS TO WORK THINGS OUT FOR HIMSELF BECOME THE MAN HE ONCE WAS. A COUPLE WEEKS AGO I FOUND OUT HIS LICENSE WAS INVALID AND HE DENIED IT. THEN MY FRIEND/NEIGHBOR TRACY TOLD ME HE TOLD HER HE HAD A WARRANT FOR HIS ARREST BECAUSE OF IT. LAST WEEK HE BLEW UP AT ME OVER A JOKE. AND I HIT THE SPOT I FELT UNCOMFOTABLE NEAR HIM AND I HAD NO LOVE FOR HIM. I HATED HIM. I HATED THE SIGHT OF HIM. THE SMELL OF HIM. EVEN JUST LOOKING AT HIS CRAP MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH. HE LEFT THE NEXT MORNING TO GO TO HIS FRIENDS' HOUSE AND WAS GONE FOR THE WEEKEND AND I KEPT SAYING TO MYSELF IF HE NEVER CAME BACK ID BE FINE WITH IT.  REALLY AFTER THE FIRST ONE WALKED OUT AND THIS ONE MADE ME THINK ABOUT MY EXHUSBAND WHO MOST PEOPLE DONT EVEN KNOW ABOUT. HE AND I WERE BEST OF FRIENDS FOR GOSH 14 YEARS. WE ELOPED SEPTEMBER 7TH, 2001. HE WAS IN THE MILITARY AND WAS GETTING STATIONED IN PENNSYLVANIA TO WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE. HE HAD TO SIGN IN ON THE 10TH AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 WHEN THE PLANES HIT THE TOWERS AND THE PENTAGON AND CRASHED INTO THE GROUNDS IN PENNSYLVANIA.  HE WAS LISTED AS MIA FROM LAST POST INSIDE THE PENTAGON. AFTER 6 MONTHS THEY LISTED HIM AS DECEASED. FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER HE CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE OUT OF THE BLUE.. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I GOT THE CALL FROM A FELLOW FRIEND BRYAN SAYING "LARRY IS ALIVE AND ON HIS WAY TO YOUR HOUSE AS WE SPEAK" I DROPPED THE PHONE AND FELL TO MY KNEES AND CRIED. NO ONE THERE TO HOLD ME. I LOOKED UP WHEN I HEARD THE ENGINE OF A CAR COMING CLOSER INTO MY DRIVEWAY. THERE HE WAS STILL GORGEOUS AS EVER 6'3", BROWN HAIR, BROWN EYES TALL AND SLENDER YET MUSCULAR BUILD. HE HAD A LIMP HE NEVER HAD BEFORE. I SAW THE SCAR ACROSS HIS FACE OVER THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE AND THROUGH HIS CHEEK. IT DIDNT MATTER TO ME LARRY WAS HOME AND I CAN FINALLY FINALLY LOVE HIM LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO YEARS AGO WHEN WE MADE OUR VOWS. WE SAT DOWN AT MY PICNIC TABLE I HAD THEN IN MY YARD AND HE BEGAN TELLING ME THE STORY ABOUT HOW HE GOT INJURED AND HE SAW HIS FACE AND THOUGHT I WOULDNT LOVE HIM ANYMORE. HOW HE LOST A LEG AND I DEFINATELY WOULDNT LOVE HIM ANYMORE. HOW HE FAKED HIS DEATH BY PUTTING HIS TAGS ON ANOTHER SOLDIER. I COULDNT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS HEARING OUT HIS MOUTH. IT SOUNDED LIKE I WAS LISTENING TO A MOVIE BEIN SO LOUD IN 3D AND IT MADE ME SAD AND MAD AND HURT. I FELT SO BETRAYED FOR THE LADY IN THE MOVIE. AFTER A FEW MINUTES I REALIZED IT WAS ME THE WORDS BEING SAID TO AND I DIDNT WANT TO BELIEVE THE MAN I PLEDGED TO LOVE HONOR AND OBEY COULDNT DO THE SAME TO ME. HE COULDNT BE HONEST FROM DAY ONE. I FELT I COULDNT GO WITH HIM. I HATED THE VERY SITE, SMELL AND ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE AND TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE. I CALLED MY LAWYER AND SAID WHAT I HAD JUST BEEN TOLD. WAS TOLD TO CONTACT HIS MILITARY COURT AND FILE A COMPLAINT. WHEN I DID, I FOUND OUT HE FILED OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE IN TENNESSEE THE YEAR WE WERE MARRIED AND IN THE STATE OF TENNESSEE I WAS LEGALLY MARRIED TO HIM AND I HAD TO FIGHT WITH THEM FOR THE RIGHTS TO AN ANNULLMENT AND THAT BEGAN A CYCLE OF DEALING THE COURTS AND RECERTIFYING MYSELF AND MY CHILD AS A SINGLE PARENT AND CHILD AND AFTER 6 MONTHS I BECAME A SINGLE WOMAN. HE WENT TO JAIL FOR FRAUD AND NOT JUST AGAINST ME BUT AGAINST THE MILITARY AND HE IS SET TO BE RELEASED IN 5 MONTHS. I WANT TO MAKE AMENDS WITH HIM SO MY HEART CAN HEAL FROM THE HURT AND I CAN BEGIN FULLY TRUSTING MEN AGAIN.  MY GOSH I TOTALLY GOT SIDETRACKED FROM WHERE I WAS WITH WHAT I WAS SAYING BUT HEY LETS SAVE THAT FOR ANOTHER NIGHT? IF SOMEONE CAN REMIND ME WHERE I WAS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW ITS LATE AND IM TIRED AND THINK I SHALL GET SOME SLEEP. ID GRATELY APPRECIATE THE HELP...LOL....IM THINKING I GOT LOST SOMEWHERE AROUND THE JOHN ISSUE BUT LIKE I SAID ANOTHER NIGHT. SO TOMORROW I WILL BE BACK AND FINISH CLEARING MY HEAD AGAIN.....

Dear Whoever;

     Lately I have been doing some rearranging in my life. Sine the year began I have gone through loses and gains. The losses that hurt the most were losing Petunia and Diamond. Then Nate walked out after asking if Id be interested in starting a relationship with him since I am the only one who bent over backwards to make sure he was happy. He walked out and left me confused. I kept praying. Even kept going to prayer circles. I kept praying he would come home. But then something clicked where I realized he wasn't true. So I let it go and began cleaning my house. I began dusting myself off and thinking of how to make my life better and slowly things were falling into place. My house was beginning to look better and although there was a certain emptiness in my house when Rain was gone on the weekends and whatnot. I knew eventually God would fill the void.
    Well apparently the past does come back to you. For awhile a certain person weighed heavy on my heart. I couldn't think without him popping into my mind. I would go to sleep and somehow he would end up in my dreams. But instead of his cute face smiling he would have frowns and it bugged the crap out of me. So i was talking to Rain and decided I would write to him. But then something said he wouldn't get the card. So I did what she said to do. "Text him Chica". So I did. And boy am I glad I did. He was going through allot of loss. He wasn't doing too good at all. I think he got to the point of thinking of ending his life was the best option. But I couldn't let him do that.
     I loved him from the first day he walked into my life. Four years ago he walked into my life. I wished to see him again. Then I did see him again. Then I wished again to keep seeing him. He would come into the store and make me feel happy just by standing there leaning his bony butt against the coffee counter looking at me through those shades. He was so gorgeous. I felt butterflies each time he would drive by the store going to lunch or to work. I would bring him food to eat sometimes. I would enjoy just being near him. It had been years since I felt that way about a guy. I was scared though. Because I was so used to guys hurting me. I kept keeping Nate here thinking he was better off here hurting me then with a new woman hurting her, because he always ended up back here. Well Nate and I were friends for a year and a half then he ruined it by wanting something more with me and after just 6 weeks it went downhill fast. I decided just being friends would be best. But I was too emotionally involved with him. I couldn't or wouldn't let him go. But this time I had no warning or clue. He just up and walked out. Which really is a blessing..
    The past couple weeks have been hard based on the tension John is giving off. But it is because he is going through crap. But I want him to open up and talk to me and let me in. I am not here to hurt him. My God if I was as callus as others who get off by hurting others I wouldn't open back up to him. I would have left the thoughts of him in the dust. Last year when I told him I had been in love with him, he didn't respond. I knew he had been hurt. But I didn't think he would let me go that easy. Maybe it was easier to let me go then put the effort into maybe accepting the love I had for him? I don't know. Probably won't know. But he is here now.
    My God can I tell you something? The man can sit there and be smoking outside and I think "Damn he is hot." or I would think "I wish he knew I'm In love with him".  I'm just as bad I guess, because I want the love from him, but am also afraid after being hurt for so long and putting my own happiness on the back burner for so long, that I am skeptical that there is a real thing about happiness. I know it is there. I just want him to be happy so much that when he smiles it is an honest smile. I want to believe him so much that because of my past with guys lying I feel I can't trust him. But I know he feels that same thing towards me.
    I am not the type to make someone hurt. If I hurt someone and I didn't know I did 'd want to know so I can make it right. It is only right. Right? I don't know how other people get off by hurting others. But those people deserve to be shot in the crotch in my opinion.  I am the one who always gets stepped on and hurt. So I know the pain I wouldn't want someone else to feel.  If I saw someone hurt by a fool I was the one to help lift that person up.
   That's why last month when John was weighing heavy on my life I had to open up and let him in. I needed to help him. I wanted to help him. No man should be down. In my opinion a man is supposed to be that strong rugged man like my Dad was. John reminds me allot of my Dad. Strong looks, beating heart and soul. My Dad was beating down my mother and her wicked ways. She cheated on him and beat him down. I feel that is what happened to John. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved fully.  Whatever those rude heartless women did to him needs to be corrected. He needs to be mended. Even if he gets strong and walks out at least I know I was there to see him get strong again in love and it would be enough for me to know he knows he deserves to be loved and happy. But I am for now going to make due with the present God brought that man back into my life for that reason. I am going to do my best to make John feel complete. Because that is the right thing to do.