a few pages i found i wrote in a notebook from a couple weeks ago

lately ive been think alot of the past, wonderin why i let so much bad happen to me? and why i havent been strong enough to let go of people who had hurt me for so long? like nate for instance he has lied to me from before he even moved here he was a cheater a user even still this day he walked out 6 months ago he still lies and it hurts the most because before he walked out he asked if we could be a couple in a relationship like a fool i agreed had i known he was leaving i wouldnt have agreed he had me sitting here crying like a fool for weeks over his sorry ass and now after so long i see he isnt coming back but at the same time i dont want to lose his checks from social security im so afraid he will take them from me when i need them more than he ever did im quite sure hes shacking up someone else who fell for his lies why cant he be man enough to say hey im sorry im with a new lady and im staying here with her and can keep my checks since i owe it all from the yearsi used you, but no he has to keep lying to me, why does god put jerks like him in my life? now hes telling me his uncle jerry is kicking him out cuz he doesn help with bills. hes talking about he needs his money now, so now im scared he will take them back and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt even have gotten them. lets talk about john for a few, i really dont know what to think of him maybe its partly my fault too but mostly his i think he wanted something with before the year we met and i wanted something with him too but i got scared because he made me feel good and no ones ever done that before i would get nervous when he came into the store but once he was there nerves wouldcalm down and i wouldnt want him to leave hed text me miss me? or id text it to him over a 4 year span we had been in and out of each others lives last august i told him i wanted something with him i got no reply so i gave up told him to forget it it hurt to try and be his friend because i felt rejected and shot down had i known he was losing his house at the time i would have kept talking to him and let it slide but he never once told me tonight i sit here thinking about it as he is living with me now its the very thing i told him a year ago id never do let him move in and help him but i couldnt get over the feelings for 2 weeks he kept bugging me in my thoughts in my dreams everything his name just kept coming to thought id hear his voice it sounded sad and lost, after speaking to rain i contacted him and he told me what was going on i didnt even stop to think i just said come stay here my doors opened to you, 3 days later i was picking him up and he was loading my car with his stuff its been 3 and a half months and hes still here he messed up in the beginning asking me to be in a relationship with him which brought back all those old feelings for him i burried last year then he decided i wasnt worth it and began starting arguments with me he became this loser jerk who i couldnt fathom being near then in the beginning of june he got burned by this chick he was fucking with whom im guessing was skinny and stripper type it seems all i did was rescue him alot then he blew all the feelings of even trust out the door when he texted tracy my friends about having sex i lost everything for him from then until july 4th he became this massive drunk douche july 4h he got arrested and from there things seem to be getting to where they were years ago but im not putting effort into it i told him for him to come back here absolutely no drinking and no lies and he has to put major effort into finding a job so he can pay off his debts get his license back and get himself a place of his own because really he needs to be on his own because when hes texting i feel sadness because i feel hes texting some chick hes a grown man he can do what he wants and i dont want anything with him i hit that spot the other night he told me if we had sex years ago we probably wouldnt even be friens now hed prefer us to remain friends thats all fine and dandy but while hes here i wont be able to date anyone because i wont be able to have a guy over id have to always go out to the guys house so im really hoping he gets this job tomorrow and he starts paying off his debts and gets out whether or not we remain friends im not too worried over that because people come and people go i love and care for him yes but i learned i can not put too much out for him he did help me in ways he may not even be aware of it either he helped me get over nate and his bull shit he opened buried wounds that after 16 years got ripped open and talked out it all got to heal from it ive been letting go of alot of pain my family caused me throughout my life im used to running away from problems and pain but im learning i cant do that right now but i know right now if my family came in front of me wanting to make amends i dont feeli could i dont believe i could move past them threatening to kill me and kidnap my child i dont think i could move past them blaming me for my mothers death trying to fight me in court for my house, my child and any money i had as far as i am concerned if i never see any of them again id be fine with that sometimes itsbest to leave the people like that in the past at times i miss my sister kari and the kids but then i get over it fast then becky she i think she was just a lost cause basically trying to get info out of me to tell the family hearing from little birdies last month my famly wants to start shit or excuse me wants to talk to me was like a slap in the face really i have better things to do as a kid i remember my brothers neating my dad up because he found out my mother cheated on him i remember chris hitting dad with a 2x4 in the head kari pulling us into marks room to hide there was a day my mothers boyfriend danny who was a drunk came into the store we owned in fields corner i hid under the oranges in the cabinet i remember going in the backroom and goin down the dark stairs and seeing my brothers whispering and yelling at me to get lost i remember when the store was set on fire by my brothers so my mother could claim the insurance money the nice chinese people next door almost lost all their dresses i remember looking at the change on the burnt floor wondering how far the money traveled i remember my dad brought me to the big phone the bubbles and the bunnies at the childrens museum i remember going to maine with my parents and meetin rose and michelle mother and daughter owned the crossroads motel in pembroke maine michelles dad telling her to teach me how to make an ice cream for the life of me i cant remember his name but i swear his name was john. i remember looking at the salt packets at the tables and diectly behind the motel was the river that let you to the reversing falls and the dam where we swam and caught trout my brother mark and sister kari had friends david and amy vance who were mollested and their mom drank herself to death, i remember i thought david was hot. but they had a friend matthew antone who was drop dead gorgeous he joined the military. we lived in maine 3 months before my dad died i still remember begging for him to take me with him to the store and his last words to me where "im just going for a jar of sauce ill be down and back before you know it 10 minutes i swear i promise" he left i cried knowing he wasnt coming back my brothers flew up the drivewa chris came running in telling my mother to go with stephen theres a problem at the store i remember watching out the bay window as the car disappeared from sight and chris had the broom and was threatening us to clean or he was going to hit us. that night the nightmares with the aliens started and lasted for years, i did girlscouts in maine one of my friends was allergic to flour and couldnt have sugar and my coconut. i remember w cleaned up a road to earn a badge my friends mom who ran the girl scouts her parents got into a fight and her mother got killed and her father was arrested shannon P was her name her brother became a major dopehead and hung himself, last i hear about shannon was she was living with an aunt in weymouth or watertown my mother hated me wanted to gone i remember sleeping in my bed and waking up to my brother stephen standing in my doorway my teacher holding me telling me id never have to go back home. because home is where you are to be loved and happy and those feelings were shared i remember ducky and geri holding me and loving me geri saying to me "i love you thank you and im sorry, i love you because you fill a spot in my heart that was empty and no one loved you lately, thank you for letting me love you and im sorry because you got hurt and no one said it to you" i remember feeling safe for once i didnt want to run away but then ducky died of a heart attack and geri pulle away from me i know it was short lived but i will always remember the love they gave me those 2 years i had them i will always love philadelphia because of them the falling leaves the snow covered streets the spring birds chirping the kids playing in the water fountains when the fire fighters would uncap the hydrants when it was too hot, for that i will alway love steak and cheese hoagies, for that sunflowers will always be a favorite flower of mine for that i learned to love and trust for that i was strong enough to live on and later on become a parents to my sisters child when she was murdered by her boyfrien for that even though my mother hated me and told me i should have died i survived for that even though joe did his best to take my life im still alive because of that i worked too much made too much had too much ran away from bad too much always keeping to myself too much better to protect myself then to give into someones hatred towards me i knew too much met too many people but like i said people come and people go i miss laurinda but ill probably never hear from her again marla becca are 2 more people ill probably never hear from again all the football plaers golfers basketball players all the a list celebs i used to know i will never know again the engagements i had the failed marriage because the man was strong enough to be military but too weak to love me even after 7 years of being friends walking away from good jobs for stupid reasons if i could go back 2 years i would id ignore the negative false crap i heard and i would have stayed at sunoco i should have helped john keep his his job i should have faught to be whatever we were supposed to be then and gotten rid of nate instead of believing nate had nowhere to go and no one to care for him but john hurt me by telling me as long as i had nate here no man was going to want me because it would me look like a cheater when i wasnt if i could go back and erase chris from my life and him raping me i would if i could go back and erase phil and the beating  he did money he stole and the babies he killed i would, because before chris i was happy wasnt worried about dating it was just me and rain sadly right now i want a man to love to need me to want me to hug me to kiss me to cuddle with me to watch the stars in the sky with i want and need a man who wants and needs to be beside me through thick and thin to kiss my forehead when i have a headache to hug me from behind no matter where or when or whos looking a man to give me a card just to say i love your smile a man who will cook fr me when i too tired to cook one who will miss me while we are apart kiss and hug m hello to say goodnight to e to say goodmorning to me to think of me someone to take care of me for once to find me worthy of coming home to me every night to cheat or beat on me to not lie to me to not drink until im beautiful one that will watch me when im doing something without getting caught but secretly i know hes doing it when we are sleeping he'll put his arm around me whisper i love you one that wont put me down or make me feel bad if i say or do something stupid or silly one to laugh with me not at me he doesnt have to go to church but at least believe some great being brought us together it doesnt matter his height or his looksnow how much he makes as long as he has a job and pays his bills i need a man to complete me as i wish to do all that stuff and complete him someone i can be in the presense of and everyone around us will know we are in love as best as we can be in this tough world we live in one that wants to help put the groceries away when i come home from grocery shopping helps do the dishes take out the trash and doesnt complain because if he didnt do it in the house we share then hed have to do it in his own house by himself where he lives alone not knowing me, i believed at one time that guy was john years ago i dont believe i felt what i felt for john for any other guy before because no matter how much i tried to get rid of the feelings they seem to just keep creeping up im not telling anyone not even him because all honestly i stopped believing hes the one for me im just someone to help him heal so he can become strong enough to go bac on his own and find that woman for him, thats all ive ever done was help people so they can move on and maybe its my time to move on and stop letting others dictate my life for me.

my days are too hyper

lately i have so much on my mind i cant think, i try to think of one thing and work on it then bam i have something else creeping into my mind, today i was upset over something stupid and i sat out back and thought and i had an old pool just sitting there and it began ticking me off because i fill it and within an hour its deflated and the waters spilling out, well its just sitting there deflated no water in it and i thought man i need some scissors im gonna cut me up some pool, so i came in grabbed some went out and cut it up and then went on to cleaning out the shed and took my neighbor for an errand and got nowhere, then i began in the shed again and another neighbor called and we went ran her errands and i sold some gold leaf i got from the other neighbor to get gas in the car, and i came home i was so bored and i called my neighbor and said i know you aint shaved and showered yet we are going swimming so we did. i brought my daughter with us, it was just us 3 ladies at the lake swimming and enjoying our peace and quiet. im off swimming away from them  and i thought to myself why when men go swimming their manhood shrivels up but a womans breasts dont? lmao omg i need my paper towels, seriously this is all because i dont have paper towels so i cant scrub my floors...lol...i have no life....but yeah thats it for now yall, i figured yall needed a laugh for tonight

things are changing

i had originally gotten to a spot with john i didnt want a relationship with im afterall, now since our argument and my night of crying about my past im beginning to see he has become more affectionate towards me, that night i cried he held me and made me feel safe and made me forget i was crying and since then we havent argued, hes been looking for work cross your fingers he went for an interview and the guy had him go back for a second interview with the night managers and supervisors, which he said went well too and then he will find out monday or tuesday if they want him to go in and do the weight lifting test to see if he can lift 50 pounds or not which he can and then he will find out if they want to hire him, which how can they not? the man is a hard worker and with me driving him he will get there on time and he will be there when required. then he can get his license back and get his truck back and maybe move out on his own. although i feel he isnt going to move out, because i was saying this to him 2 days ago and he wouldnt answer me about it, i asked him why he isnt answering it he said he cant leave the insanity, i said you call my house stable then? he said yup. the same guy who pushed me away is now calling me and my zoo stable...lol... i found that funny. so i said to him to promise me he wont fall in love with me, he told me he wont promise that because he cant promise that. years ago if i knew how to let something between us happen it would have happened. but the first 3 months he lived here he pushed me to a point i dont want him in a relationship, im only here as a friend. lastnight he told me what makes my dump a home was "its where i live, where i sleep, eat and the only person who cares for me lives" it made me cry. where he feels at home, i feel lost here like i dont belong living here, but i think thats more of the fact all the crap ive been through living here. you know where i feel at home? when its bedtime and i get to put my arm around him i feel safe, i feel like im at home. when he isnt in bed i cant sleep. what does that mean? seriously, im afraid of love, i dont know what it is and how to react towards a human who isnt my child loving me. how do i react to it? does that mean im in love with the guy again? or that i didnt do a good job pushing those feelings down into my gut again? seriously i dont know what to do with it. he comes into the room when im getting ready to go to bed and climbs in and bumps his butt into me so i cuddle into him. what does that mean? we were only supposed to be friends. what the hell is going on here?
this is the same guy i met over a joke 4 years ago. yeah i know people meet their new love perspectives in strange ways, or know them from school and never think of having anything til years later, omg its years later haha, but seriously when we first met we couldnt get enough attention from each other. then somewhere down the line we lost whatever it was about 2 years ago then we began being in and out of each others lives and now we are stuck like glue to each other. for him to say im the only one that cares for him means something. my problem is i never stop caring and i know hes a good man a good good man. hes just gone through hell by himself. i wish i could have helped him, but as i was told earlier by a friend i did help him, he was sinking fast and i gave him a life jacket. yes the first 3 months werent glorious and perfect but thats because he was lost, and july 4th had to happen for him to heal and see he has all he needs, sadly i got hurt and even though i healed from the wounds of joe thanks to john, every once in awhile i find myself thinking of the day and i begin to cry because i think of how i was weak enough to cry in front of him. how he was weak enough to break. how we as friends helped each other through a crisis. and we are abled to talk and hold conversations and not argue. where he might be wanting more now that things are on the right track for him, im not ready. i know i didnt get that job at walmarts photo studio, if i did the girl would have called by now, but no big worries, just means it wasnt the right job for me. really i want a job where im active and having fun and helping people, not forcing them to spend money they dont want. im good at helping people, thats what i do. in return my friend cheril who is like a sister to me, gave me furniture and a tv yesterday, john had stuff very similar to what she gave us, and he let his sister hold them at her house and her sons took the stuff and began using it. so basically he lost it. but cheril gave me her stuff because shes losing her place and didnt want to lose it if i could use it. and at first i was iffy about taking it, but then i said why not? johns happy with it, cinnamons happy she has a big spot on the couch. me im just glad i dont have to sit on the floor. i live in a trailer and the furniture is meant for a big house...lol...but its here and comfy, thank you cheri, i love ya girl. someday you will be rewarded 10 fold...well anyways ill stop yapping for now, but someone tell me what the hell is going on?

I think Im the one healing...thanks to john

the other night john and i got into an argument, well this is how it all started....  remind you, john and i are just friends, but im the one who cares for everyone, good or bad...at least thats how i felt, until now........

hes been drinking allot lately and ive been to the point ive been trying to keep away fro him, and he drinks so much to wash away his problems, but all it does is make more problems. hes been having these fits where he just up and walks away, saying he doesn't want to get mad, but apparently he already is or he wouldn't walk away. he'd walk miles away in old shoes, get to wherever and drink and then call me to go rescue him. well after a week of doing that, he asks me to bring him to meet up with his son, well i found out it was yet another lie. but ill get to that. i sent him a text whether or not to lock the door if he was coming home, he replied on his way now. so i left it unlocked and i believed his son was bringing him home. his dog cinnamon kept me awake having to keep going in and out and i began to get concerned when an hour goes by and he doesn't show up, as a friend im sitting here thinking what if they were in an accident because they had been drinking? so i went into johns old phone and got jordans number was about to dial it then i reminded myself hes the one driving if they were in an accident he wouldn't answer either, so i waited 30 minutes then i called the ludlow police and they said no accidents have been called in they'd call if anything came up. well at 430 i really got concerned so i called johns phone and asked where he was and if he was ok? i got "im with friends" and he hung up. hes been pushing me away so much lately i hit that spot where ok he wants me to not like him and he wants me to kick him out, so fine i packed all his stuff up and put it in the shed, i took his family members and so called best friend Roy's number out his old phone and texted them all that they need to take him in because im done trying to help their mess. the only one who answered was his son that he was supposedly with the night before, he told me he hasn't spoken to his dad since his graduation and he wasn't with him. so now im concerned what it john went out and found a friend whose into drugs and got drugged up and overdosed? or whatever. i still wanted him gone i couldn't trust him. but his son kept telling me he'd come around and i should talk to him. well john for the most part is a good man who has been pushed down too much by life. im just the lucky one who tried helping and got nowhere. i heard nothing from him until 6 pm on the 4th, hes mad and drunk and wanting me to go pick him up. i didn't want to but god knows he would have made it back here one way or another. so i went. he wasn't even in the car and he was yelling at me. i tried to shut the window but he was quicker than the windows motor. he was busy yelling at me all the way home. i kept telling him to get out my car, he wouldn't. i called the cops and they came. i only called the cops because he threatened me, he told me to shut the F*** up if i knew what was good for me. i stopped hearing his voice and i reverted back to being 16, 17, 18 and 19 in an abusive relationship with this guy who would beat me just for blinking the wrong way. he beat me so much, everyday. my family told me i deserved it.  he beat me christmas morning and i went into hiding with help from someone. i was told to ''hide and get strong because the next he will kill you if youre not strong enough to fight back" so for 6 weeks i found strength inside of me, to beat him and that fear he put inside me away. that beating on christmas morning i was left my eyes swollen shut, broken ribs, stab wounds in the back, cuts across my arms, i was left for dead. it was coming on valentines day and i outed myself as i was told to do, i was told to start seeing people who knew him and get back to being friends, it took him 6 days, 6 days! to come forward to me, he acted like he  was the sweetest man id ever meet and asked me to give him another chance and we'd have a wonderful valentines day date together. i agreed knowing deep inside he wasn't going to stay nice. he set up the most romantic date for us too, too bad it wasn't romantic. it was more business than anything else really. he rented a boat had champagne and roasted chicken and veggies and tiramisu and roses lined the edge of the boat, the sun was setting an he pulled it out from the dock. had peabo bryson playing lightly in the speakers. it seemed like he was actually going to make it a nice night. it didn't take long though. we were at least 5 miles away from shore, by ourselves and he began yelling at me how i was ugly and a whore and no man will ever want me, he'd be doing everyone right by killing me. he slammed my head on the table. still yelling at me. he gets up and begins to walk around the deck of the boat and i looked up he had a gun in his hand and cuffs in another. asking me head or chest bitch? meaning which should he shoot. i lunged at him ready to fight back. but he hit me. i kicked the back of his leg and from there i don't remember every detail. all i remember after that is standing over him with a gun in my hand releasing every bullet into him. i was mad. i was very mad. i remember wishing i had more bullets so i could give him one for each punch or kick i got from him. i went down and called the coastguard to come pick us up. it was written up as self defense. but i feel it wasn't. i for the first time knew what hatred was. i hated hatred too. i bottled all that up and shoved it into a spot in my gut vowing to never speak about it again. i hid from people. i changed my name and moved to a new town, forcing myself into work so much i didn't think about anything but work. i stayed that way for years. the other night when john yelled at me, he became joe. he didn't know. he knew he was drunk. he knew he did wrong. but he never knew about joe and the pain he gave me. i tried for the past few days to hold it in, but last night i cried. i cried for hours and hours. john would ask whats wrong, but i was so messed up i couldn't even talk, if he knew what i had been through, maybe he wouldn't have gone off the way he did, maybe we would have been better friends, or maybe all this happened for both of us to open our fucking eyes and see we needed each other for reasons beyond our eyesight, i needed to heal from the abuse and my past. he needs to heal from the past and the present. i cried for hours last night, my eyes were burning. john fell asleep on the couch, or at least began, but i needed him near me more than he will ever know. i asked him to come lay with me, he did. no questions asked. he laid here and i felt safe. i put my arm around him i felt safer. i remember waking up during the night my head on his chest i felt safer than hours before. i love john. he to me honestly is the best friend i needed to enter my life. he helped me more than he will ever know. im sure from time to time, i will cry. but its all healing process. i have had so many males friends throughout life but the ones i kept around were the gay ones, because i couldn't get hurt by my girls. john is the first male friend i think ill keep around. its going to be tough, but we will get through it. now we need to get him on the right track. he will get there. i believe in him. always have but something hit me and held me back so it was tough. i dont want to give up on the man i met and loved from the second i saw him. and yes there is a difference between love and in love. i love john.