a few pages i found i wrote in a notebook from a couple weeks ago

lately ive been think alot of the past, wonderin why i let so much bad happen to me? and why i havent been strong enough to let go of people who had hurt me for so long? like nate for instance he has lied to me from before he even moved here he was a cheater a user even still this day he walked out 6 months ago he still lies and it hurts the most because before he walked out he asked if we could be a couple in a relationship like a fool i agreed had i known he was leaving i wouldnt have agreed he had me sitting here crying like a fool for weeks over his sorry ass and now after so long i see he isnt coming back but at the same time i dont want to lose his checks from social security im so afraid he will take them from me when i need them more than he ever did im quite sure hes shacking up someone else who fell for his lies why cant he be man enough to say hey im sorry im with a new lady and im staying here with her and can keep my checks since i owe it all from the yearsi used you, but no he has to keep lying to me, why does god put jerks like him in my life? now hes telling me his uncle jerry is kicking him out cuz he doesn help with bills. hes talking about he needs his money now, so now im scared he will take them back and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt even have gotten them. lets talk about john for a few, i really dont know what to think of him maybe its partly my fault too but mostly his i think he wanted something with before the year we met and i wanted something with him too but i got scared because he made me feel good and no ones ever done that before i would get nervous when he came into the store but once he was there nerves wouldcalm down and i wouldnt want him to leave hed text me miss me? or id text it to him over a 4 year span we had been in and out of each others lives last august i told him i wanted something with him i got no reply so i gave up told him to forget it it hurt to try and be his friend because i felt rejected and shot down had i known he was losing his house at the time i would have kept talking to him and let it slide but he never once told me tonight i sit here thinking about it as he is living with me now its the very thing i told him a year ago id never do let him move in and help him but i couldnt get over the feelings for 2 weeks he kept bugging me in my thoughts in my dreams everything his name just kept coming to thought id hear his voice it sounded sad and lost, after speaking to rain i contacted him and he told me what was going on i didnt even stop to think i just said come stay here my doors opened to you, 3 days later i was picking him up and he was loading my car with his stuff its been 3 and a half months and hes still here he messed up in the beginning asking me to be in a relationship with him which brought back all those old feelings for him i burried last year then he decided i wasnt worth it and began starting arguments with me he became this loser jerk who i couldnt fathom being near then in the beginning of june he got burned by this chick he was fucking with whom im guessing was skinny and stripper type it seems all i did was rescue him alot then he blew all the feelings of even trust out the door when he texted tracy my friends about having sex i lost everything for him from then until july 4th he became this massive drunk douche july 4h he got arrested and from there things seem to be getting to where they were years ago but im not putting effort into it i told him for him to come back here absolutely no drinking and no lies and he has to put major effort into finding a job so he can pay off his debts get his license back and get himself a place of his own because really he needs to be on his own because when hes texting i feel sadness because i feel hes texting some chick hes a grown man he can do what he wants and i dont want anything with him i hit that spot the other night he told me if we had sex years ago we probably wouldnt even be friens now hed prefer us to remain friends thats all fine and dandy but while hes here i wont be able to date anyone because i wont be able to have a guy over id have to always go out to the guys house so im really hoping he gets this job tomorrow and he starts paying off his debts and gets out whether or not we remain friends im not too worried over that because people come and people go i love and care for him yes but i learned i can not put too much out for him he did help me in ways he may not even be aware of it either he helped me get over nate and his bull shit he opened buried wounds that after 16 years got ripped open and talked out it all got to heal from it ive been letting go of alot of pain my family caused me throughout my life im used to running away from problems and pain but im learning i cant do that right now but i know right now if my family came in front of me wanting to make amends i dont feeli could i dont believe i could move past them threatening to kill me and kidnap my child i dont think i could move past them blaming me for my mothers death trying to fight me in court for my house, my child and any money i had as far as i am concerned if i never see any of them again id be fine with that sometimes itsbest to leave the people like that in the past at times i miss my sister kari and the kids but then i get over it fast then becky she i think she was just a lost cause basically trying to get info out of me to tell the family hearing from little birdies last month my famly wants to start shit or excuse me wants to talk to me was like a slap in the face really i have better things to do as a kid i remember my brothers neating my dad up because he found out my mother cheated on him i remember chris hitting dad with a 2x4 in the head kari pulling us into marks room to hide there was a day my mothers boyfriend danny who was a drunk came into the store we owned in fields corner i hid under the oranges in the cabinet i remember going in the backroom and goin down the dark stairs and seeing my brothers whispering and yelling at me to get lost i remember when the store was set on fire by my brothers so my mother could claim the insurance money the nice chinese people next door almost lost all their dresses i remember looking at the change on the burnt floor wondering how far the money traveled i remember my dad brought me to the big phone the bubbles and the bunnies at the childrens museum i remember going to maine with my parents and meetin rose and michelle mother and daughter owned the crossroads motel in pembroke maine michelles dad telling her to teach me how to make an ice cream for the life of me i cant remember his name but i swear his name was john. i remember looking at the salt packets at the tables and diectly behind the motel was the river that let you to the reversing falls and the dam where we swam and caught trout my brother mark and sister kari had friends david and amy vance who were mollested and their mom drank herself to death, i remember i thought david was hot. but they had a friend matthew antone who was drop dead gorgeous he joined the military. we lived in maine 3 months before my dad died i still remember begging for him to take me with him to the store and his last words to me where "im just going for a jar of sauce ill be down and back before you know it 10 minutes i swear i promise" he left i cried knowing he wasnt coming back my brothers flew up the drivewa chris came running in telling my mother to go with stephen theres a problem at the store i remember watching out the bay window as the car disappeared from sight and chris had the broom and was threatening us to clean or he was going to hit us. that night the nightmares with the aliens started and lasted for years, i did girlscouts in maine one of my friends was allergic to flour and couldnt have sugar and my coconut. i remember w cleaned up a road to earn a badge my friends mom who ran the girl scouts her parents got into a fight and her mother got killed and her father was arrested shannon P was her name her brother became a major dopehead and hung himself, last i hear about shannon was she was living with an aunt in weymouth or watertown my mother hated me wanted to gone i remember sleeping in my bed and waking up to my brother stephen standing in my doorway my teacher holding me telling me id never have to go back home. because home is where you are to be loved and happy and those feelings were shared i remember ducky and geri holding me and loving me geri saying to me "i love you thank you and im sorry, i love you because you fill a spot in my heart that was empty and no one loved you lately, thank you for letting me love you and im sorry because you got hurt and no one said it to you" i remember feeling safe for once i didnt want to run away but then ducky died of a heart attack and geri pulle away from me i know it was short lived but i will always remember the love they gave me those 2 years i had them i will always love philadelphia because of them the falling leaves the snow covered streets the spring birds chirping the kids playing in the water fountains when the fire fighters would uncap the hydrants when it was too hot, for that i will alway love steak and cheese hoagies, for that sunflowers will always be a favorite flower of mine for that i learned to love and trust for that i was strong enough to live on and later on become a parents to my sisters child when she was murdered by her boyfrien for that even though my mother hated me and told me i should have died i survived for that even though joe did his best to take my life im still alive because of that i worked too much made too much had too much ran away from bad too much always keeping to myself too much better to protect myself then to give into someones hatred towards me i knew too much met too many people but like i said people come and people go i miss laurinda but ill probably never hear from her again marla becca are 2 more people ill probably never hear from again all the football plaers golfers basketball players all the a list celebs i used to know i will never know again the engagements i had the failed marriage because the man was strong enough to be military but too weak to love me even after 7 years of being friends walking away from good jobs for stupid reasons if i could go back 2 years i would id ignore the negative false crap i heard and i would have stayed at sunoco i should have helped john keep his his job i should have faught to be whatever we were supposed to be then and gotten rid of nate instead of believing nate had nowhere to go and no one to care for him but john hurt me by telling me as long as i had nate here no man was going to want me because it would me look like a cheater when i wasnt if i could go back and erase chris from my life and him raping me i would if i could go back and erase phil and the beating  he did money he stole and the babies he killed i would, because before chris i was happy wasnt worried about dating it was just me and rain sadly right now i want a man to love to need me to want me to hug me to kiss me to cuddle with me to watch the stars in the sky with i want and need a man who wants and needs to be beside me through thick and thin to kiss my forehead when i have a headache to hug me from behind no matter where or when or whos looking a man to give me a card just to say i love your smile a man who will cook fr me when i too tired to cook one who will miss me while we are apart kiss and hug m hello to say goodnight to e to say goodmorning to me to think of me someone to take care of me for once to find me worthy of coming home to me every night to cheat or beat on me to not lie to me to not drink until im beautiful one that will watch me when im doing something without getting caught but secretly i know hes doing it when we are sleeping he'll put his arm around me whisper i love you one that wont put me down or make me feel bad if i say or do something stupid or silly one to laugh with me not at me he doesnt have to go to church but at least believe some great being brought us together it doesnt matter his height or his looksnow how much he makes as long as he has a job and pays his bills i need a man to complete me as i wish to do all that stuff and complete him someone i can be in the presense of and everyone around us will know we are in love as best as we can be in this tough world we live in one that wants to help put the groceries away when i come home from grocery shopping helps do the dishes take out the trash and doesnt complain because if he didnt do it in the house we share then hed have to do it in his own house by himself where he lives alone not knowing me, i believed at one time that guy was john years ago i dont believe i felt what i felt for john for any other guy before because no matter how much i tried to get rid of the feelings they seem to just keep creeping up im not telling anyone not even him because all honestly i stopped believing hes the one for me im just someone to help him heal so he can become strong enough to go bac on his own and find that woman for him, thats all ive ever done was help people so they can move on and maybe its my time to move on and stop letting others dictate my life for me.