I think Im the one healing...thanks to john

the other night john and i got into an argument, well this is how it all started....  remind you, john and i are just friends, but im the one who cares for everyone, good or bad...at least thats how i felt, until now........

hes been drinking allot lately and ive been to the point ive been trying to keep away fro him, and he drinks so much to wash away his problems, but all it does is make more problems. hes been having these fits where he just up and walks away, saying he doesn't want to get mad, but apparently he already is or he wouldn't walk away. he'd walk miles away in old shoes, get to wherever and drink and then call me to go rescue him. well after a week of doing that, he asks me to bring him to meet up with his son, well i found out it was yet another lie. but ill get to that. i sent him a text whether or not to lock the door if he was coming home, he replied on his way now. so i left it unlocked and i believed his son was bringing him home. his dog cinnamon kept me awake having to keep going in and out and i began to get concerned when an hour goes by and he doesn't show up, as a friend im sitting here thinking what if they were in an accident because they had been drinking? so i went into johns old phone and got jordans number was about to dial it then i reminded myself hes the one driving if they were in an accident he wouldn't answer either, so i waited 30 minutes then i called the ludlow police and they said no accidents have been called in they'd call if anything came up. well at 430 i really got concerned so i called johns phone and asked where he was and if he was ok? i got "im with friends" and he hung up. hes been pushing me away so much lately i hit that spot where ok he wants me to not like him and he wants me to kick him out, so fine i packed all his stuff up and put it in the shed, i took his family members and so called best friend Roy's number out his old phone and texted them all that they need to take him in because im done trying to help their mess. the only one who answered was his son that he was supposedly with the night before, he told me he hasn't spoken to his dad since his graduation and he wasn't with him. so now im concerned what it john went out and found a friend whose into drugs and got drugged up and overdosed? or whatever. i still wanted him gone i couldn't trust him. but his son kept telling me he'd come around and i should talk to him. well john for the most part is a good man who has been pushed down too much by life. im just the lucky one who tried helping and got nowhere. i heard nothing from him until 6 pm on the 4th, hes mad and drunk and wanting me to go pick him up. i didn't want to but god knows he would have made it back here one way or another. so i went. he wasn't even in the car and he was yelling at me. i tried to shut the window but he was quicker than the windows motor. he was busy yelling at me all the way home. i kept telling him to get out my car, he wouldn't. i called the cops and they came. i only called the cops because he threatened me, he told me to shut the F*** up if i knew what was good for me. i stopped hearing his voice and i reverted back to being 16, 17, 18 and 19 in an abusive relationship with this guy who would beat me just for blinking the wrong way. he beat me so much, everyday. my family told me i deserved it.  he beat me christmas morning and i went into hiding with help from someone. i was told to ''hide and get strong because the next he will kill you if youre not strong enough to fight back" so for 6 weeks i found strength inside of me, to beat him and that fear he put inside me away. that beating on christmas morning i was left my eyes swollen shut, broken ribs, stab wounds in the back, cuts across my arms, i was left for dead. it was coming on valentines day and i outed myself as i was told to do, i was told to start seeing people who knew him and get back to being friends, it took him 6 days, 6 days! to come forward to me, he acted like he  was the sweetest man id ever meet and asked me to give him another chance and we'd have a wonderful valentines day date together. i agreed knowing deep inside he wasn't going to stay nice. he set up the most romantic date for us too, too bad it wasn't romantic. it was more business than anything else really. he rented a boat had champagne and roasted chicken and veggies and tiramisu and roses lined the edge of the boat, the sun was setting an he pulled it out from the dock. had peabo bryson playing lightly in the speakers. it seemed like he was actually going to make it a nice night. it didn't take long though. we were at least 5 miles away from shore, by ourselves and he began yelling at me how i was ugly and a whore and no man will ever want me, he'd be doing everyone right by killing me. he slammed my head on the table. still yelling at me. he gets up and begins to walk around the deck of the boat and i looked up he had a gun in his hand and cuffs in another. asking me head or chest bitch? meaning which should he shoot. i lunged at him ready to fight back. but he hit me. i kicked the back of his leg and from there i don't remember every detail. all i remember after that is standing over him with a gun in my hand releasing every bullet into him. i was mad. i was very mad. i remember wishing i had more bullets so i could give him one for each punch or kick i got from him. i went down and called the coastguard to come pick us up. it was written up as self defense. but i feel it wasn't. i for the first time knew what hatred was. i hated hatred too. i bottled all that up and shoved it into a spot in my gut vowing to never speak about it again. i hid from people. i changed my name and moved to a new town, forcing myself into work so much i didn't think about anything but work. i stayed that way for years. the other night when john yelled at me, he became joe. he didn't know. he knew he was drunk. he knew he did wrong. but he never knew about joe and the pain he gave me. i tried for the past few days to hold it in, but last night i cried. i cried for hours and hours. john would ask whats wrong, but i was so messed up i couldn't even talk, if he knew what i had been through, maybe he wouldn't have gone off the way he did, maybe we would have been better friends, or maybe all this happened for both of us to open our fucking eyes and see we needed each other for reasons beyond our eyesight, i needed to heal from the abuse and my past. he needs to heal from the past and the present. i cried for hours last night, my eyes were burning. john fell asleep on the couch, or at least began, but i needed him near me more than he will ever know. i asked him to come lay with me, he did. no questions asked. he laid here and i felt safe. i put my arm around him i felt safer. i remember waking up during the night my head on his chest i felt safer than hours before. i love john. he to me honestly is the best friend i needed to enter my life. he helped me more than he will ever know. im sure from time to time, i will cry. but its all healing process. i have had so many males friends throughout life but the ones i kept around were the gay ones, because i couldn't get hurt by my girls. john is the first male friend i think ill keep around. its going to be tough, but we will get through it. now we need to get him on the right track. he will get there. i believe in him. always have but something hit me and held me back so it was tough. i dont want to give up on the man i met and loved from the second i saw him. and yes there is a difference between love and in love. i love john.