i had originally gotten to a spot with john i didnt want a relationship with im afterall, now since our argument and my night of crying about my past im beginning to see he has become more affectionate towards me, that night i cried he held me and made me feel safe and made me forget i was crying and since then we havent argued, hes been looking for work cross your fingers he went for an interview and the guy had him go back for a second interview with the night managers and supervisors, which he said went well too and then he will find out monday or tuesday if they want him to go in and do the weight lifting test to see if he can lift 50 pounds or not which he can and then he will find out if they want to hire him, which how can they not? the man is a hard worker and with me driving him he will get there on time and he will be there when required. then he can get his license back and get his truck back and maybe move out on his own. although i feel he isnt going to move out, because i was saying this to him 2 days ago and he wouldnt answer me about it, i asked him why he isnt answering it he said he cant leave the insanity, i said you call my house stable then? he said yup. the same guy who pushed me away is now calling me and my zoo stable...lol... i found that funny. so i said to him to promise me he wont fall in love with me, he told me he wont promise that because he cant promise that. years ago if i knew how to let something between us happen it would have happened. but the first 3 months he lived here he pushed me to a point i dont want him in a relationship, im only here as a friend. lastnight he told me what makes my dump a home was "its where i live, where i sleep, eat and the only person who cares for me lives" it made me cry. where he feels at home, i feel lost here like i dont belong living here, but i think thats more of the fact all the crap ive been through living here. you know where i feel at home? when its bedtime and i get to put my arm around him i feel safe, i feel like im at home. when he isnt in bed i cant sleep. what does that mean? seriously, im afraid of love, i dont know what it is and how to react towards a human who isnt my child loving me. how do i react to it? does that mean im in love with the guy again? or that i didnt do a good job pushing those feelings down into my gut again? seriously i dont know what to do with it. he comes into the room when im getting ready to go to bed and climbs in and bumps his butt into me so i cuddle into him. what does that mean? we were only supposed to be friends. what the hell is going on here?
this is the same guy i met over a joke 4 years ago. yeah i know people meet their new love perspectives in strange ways, or know them from school and never think of having anything til years later, omg its years later haha, but seriously when we first met we couldnt get enough attention from each other. then somewhere down the line we lost whatever it was about 2 years ago then we began being in and out of each others lives and now we are stuck like glue to each other. for him to say im the only one that cares for him means something. my problem is i never stop caring and i know hes a good man a good good man. hes just gone through hell by himself. i wish i could have helped him, but as i was told earlier by a friend i did help him, he was sinking fast and i gave him a life jacket. yes the first 3 months werent glorious and perfect but thats because he was lost, and july 4th had to happen for him to heal and see he has all he needs, sadly i got hurt and even though i healed from the wounds of joe thanks to john, every once in awhile i find myself thinking of the day and i begin to cry because i think of how i was weak enough to cry in front of him. how he was weak enough to break. how we as friends helped each other through a crisis. and we are abled to talk and hold conversations and not argue. where he might be wanting more now that things are on the right track for him, im not ready. i know i didnt get that job at walmarts photo studio, if i did the girl would have called by now, but no big worries, just means it wasnt the right job for me. really i want a job where im active and having fun and helping people, not forcing them to spend money they dont want. im good at helping people, thats what i do. in return my friend cheril who is like a sister to me, gave me furniture and a tv yesterday, john had stuff very similar to what she gave us, and he let his sister hold them at her house and her sons took the stuff and began using it. so basically he lost it. but cheril gave me her stuff because shes losing her place and didnt want to lose it if i could use it. and at first i was iffy about taking it, but then i said why not? johns happy with it, cinnamons happy she has a big spot on the couch. me im just glad i dont have to sit on the floor. i live in a trailer and the furniture is meant for a big house...lol...but its here and comfy, thank you cheri, i love ya girl. someday you will be rewarded 10 fold...well anyways ill stop yapping for now, but someone tell me what the hell is going on?
No comments:
Post a Comment