I AM IN A FAKE RELATIONSHIP...UGH

I DONT KNOW WHY I LET HIM INTO MY LIFE? NO I CANT SAY I WAS LONELY BECAUSE I WASNT. I GUESS IT WAS BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR HIM. BUT HOW DO I GO ON WITH A GUY WHO DOESNT EVEN KISS ME? I WISH I COULD JUST DO AWAY WITH HIM AND TELL HIM TO GET OUT AND GO BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM. FINANCIALLY I NEEDED HIM. BUT NOT ANYMORE. IM LEARNING STEP BY STEP I DONT NEED HIM. HOW DO GUYS GET AWAY WITH SAYING THEY WANT ALL THESE WONDERFUL THINGS WITH WOMEN AND THEN ONCE THEY GET THE WOMAN FIGURE THEY DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING TO SHOW THEY EVEN LOVE THE WOMAN? WHY DO THEY SUCKER US INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF THEY REALLY DONT WANT US? THIS GUY DOESNT DO SHIT BESIDES SIT ON HIS ASS. AND COMPLAIN HOW MUCH PAIN HE IS IN. I DONT BELIEVE HIM. I LOST TRUST IN HIM SO LONG AGO. HE BLAMES ME FOR WHY HE DOESNT EVEN KISS ME. TOLD ME IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS ASLEEP. REALLY? I MEAN REALLY? WHAT ABOUT THE HOURS IM AWAKE ASKING FOR THOSE KISSES AND GET TOLD "IN A MINUTE"? THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH? SADLY I LOOK AT THIS GUY WHO IS A WASTE OF SPACE AND I CALL PECKERHEAD SUCKER (ONLY IN MY HEAD) AND WONDER HOW THE CHICK HE JUST LEFT DEALT WITH HIS BULLSHIT LIKE THIS? MAYBE ITS A GOOD THING WE HAVE NEVER HAD SEX? ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MANY STDS HES CARRYING. I DONT WANT THEM. HE PROBABLY ISNT EVEN GOOD IN BED AND ID STILL BE UPSET BUT ONLY ON THE FACT HE WAS A BAD AND I DIDNT GET ANY PLEASURE OUT OF IT?! LOL AND I THINK TO MYSELF SOON ENOUGH I WILL MEET THE GUY WHO WILL BE THE MAN FOR ME. BUT WHERE? I DONT WANT TO MEET SOME GUY ON CRAIGSLIST OR OFF THE INTERNET FOR CRYING OUTLOUD. NOT AGAIN. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. BUT HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE WITH A SIMPLE KISS? HUGS WORK TOO. BUT NOT EVEN A THANK YOU OR ANYTHING. UGH I NEED HELP. ARE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE ANYMORE? THE LAST GUY I LET INTO MY HOUSE LIED TO ME AND ABOUT ME SO MUCH THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL. HAHA WELL GUESS WHAT? HES JUST LIKE THE LAST ONE. AND THE LAST ONE WAS ONLY A FRIEND I WAS HELPING OUT BECAUSE HE WASNT MAN ENOUGH TO KEEP A JOB AND PAY HIS BILLS. BUT GLAD HES GONE FOR GOOD THIS TIME. I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT SHIT AGAIN. BUT SERIOUSLY ARE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE?

Am I normal for thinking this?

In this past year I have dealt with alot of crap. I went from being confident to lost and wanting to commit suicide. But I know I couldn't get lost or commit suicide. I have a teenage child and 8 animals who count on my being here for them. I will go for my cigarette right now and when I come back I will tell you from the beginning and that started 2 years ago, maybe a bit longer. I will even tell you some random thoughts that have come to mind over the past few months... Believe me I am not as screwed up as some people I know are... I am just the tip of the iceberg...
Ok where do  I even start this? I guess I can start with leaving my job of 3 years for another job that I basically got screwed at. I felt I was being lied to by my coworker and boss at my first job. Boss kept telling me how she was going to train me to do computer work and after a year and a half of hearing it and never getting anywhere plus she and my coworker lying to me about pety crap I felt like it was time for me to move on. So I found this other job and was happy there. Felt I belonged there. But after 3 weeks the manager there began telling me how I was doing things wrong, when I wasn't like opening meats in the deli when I wasn't and missing money when I wasn't. I couldn't for the life of me figure it out at the time I was being set up. For 2 weeks I walked on eggshells there. Thanksgiving 2010 I ended being fired for missing lottery tickets and money. A couple days later I got threatening calls from the manager telling me to pay up $300 plus or else she was going to the cops. The next day I got called to go into the police station and tell my side of the story. I went in and spoke with the cop in charge told my side of the story and how I had no clue who Barb was when I started there and wished I never worked with her, because if she did this to me how many other people were getting fired for the same thing? Well apparently Barb confessed to the whole thing and she got fired and banned from the store. I still had to go to court to clear my name and even there the judge asked how I knew her and I said only from working with her and now I wish I never had to do that. Because of all that I began not trusting anyone. I still had to fight for unemployment, had to get a lawyer and fight for it because they were denying my case because according to Occonnells I stole from them. I had proof it wasnt me and after fighting for months I finally got appproved. I Got approved in April 2011, got my first unemployment check in May 2011. Things seemed to be getting better.  I was finally able to pay bills. And look for a job. I am still unemployed by the way. But then my boyfriend at the time wanted to cheat on me via internet, met some chick on there from Connecticutt took off lying to me about he was going to stay at his cousin Daves house for a bit, but I knew better. He was gone for a year, lying to me about where he was, first he was at his cousin Daves then somehow ended up in Framingham, MA at his uncles house. Sadly I know by living his lies before where he told chicks he was living with his uncle (ME) that that was also a lie. He lived for a year lying about it. Then he claimed he was back at his cousins house who mysteriously moved from Stafford Springs to Willimantic somehow one week he lived in Stafford Springs the next Willimantic. But he came home and has been here since. He says things that makes me wish I had a job so I can get rid of him. But anyways. While he was gone a friend (John) lost his house and I thought I was doing the right thing by offering to let him come stay here and get things back in order for himself. But that backfired on me big time. He racked up my bills and lied to me and about me. He moved in with someone I thought was a friend, without even telling me he was moving out. The whole time he lived with me he kept telling me how my friend was no good, but then goes behind my back and moves in with her. I dont know why it took me so long to let him go, I guess the crap he put me through while he was here, threatening me and making me not want to talk to anyone of my friends and made my child feel she didnt belong in her own house. He made me feel worthless. Bad enough I already had Nate lie and walk out on me. And Nates check were cut down real bad at the same time I lost my unemployment and my car needed $1200 in order to pass inspection. My bills went unpaid for so long I had no clue how I was ever going to get out from under it all. Everything in my life seemed to be hitting the all time lowest points it could. But I was going through it all to learn some things. And I did. I learned I really need to focus on myself and my child. Stop letting others go before me. I need to get a job. Do for myself. I need to let go of people certain people in my life. I bit by bit have begun to get things better. I got help to pay off some of my rent and electricity. I got Nates checks fixed so I can finally begin to pay bills. But then in January I screwed up and told social security I had no clue where he was, I didn't really, because his phone wasnt working and he wouldn't be honest with where he was and he wasnt communicating with me. I busted ass and paid what I could pay for bills at that point with what I had for money. Slowly things are getting better. But I got so bad over the past year I wanted to commit suicide, but I didn't. Things got so bad I filed for social security, but I have since decided I am better than that. I just need a job and to get out of this funk I am in. And get things better for me and my child. I will not sit on my ass and collect social security if I got approved I wouldve been waiting forever anyways for that. And my bills need paying now, by then I could have lost my house. It's not much of a house. But it is mine and I only pay rent for the land it sits on. I know I am going to get a job and I am going to get better. I will not be like my friends who sit around and collect checks because they are drug addicts and take the easy road. I know Nathan is sick but I need a job because he wont always be around and his checks dont cover everything. I need a job so I can find new friends and maybe find myself happy again. I used to be so happy until December 2009 when I got that lousy review from my boss and cheap ass raise. Seriously I opened that store at least 6 times a month, not including my regular days I worked mornings, I mean days she had a meeting or had to go to another location to work because someone quit or got fired. There were nights I had to close because someone needed nights off and or quit on us. I would work til closing after doing my regular hours. There were times I opened the store did my regular hours and got stuck working til closing then had to be back and 430 am again to do it all over again. I would do my regular work, my coworkers share of work and my bosses job too. I busted my ass. Yes there is one joke my boss put in my review that I thought was not neccessary, she kept telling me I didnt know how to take a joke because she called me a slacker. I am not and never will be a slacker. I felt disrespected. I got a raise of 17 cents that year. Slapp in the face is what I called it. The years before my raises were 50 cents and above never ever have I been hurt by a boss before. And my last boss before would call me Mrs. Fatty Pants!  Right now I look back at things I have gone through and think damn I should have been smarter. But that is why we go through things we do. I am a firm believer in Karma. And I don't like being lied to or about. John was perfect for lying to people and about me. Tracy lies constantly and wonders why her life is so messed up. I have told her too many times to stop lying and fix her life, but she wont get it. Thank God Chelseas dad gave her a car now her mom has died, because now Chelsea is Tracys slave. I will not call her or text her. If she calls or texts me I can ignore it. I don't need her drama. I have enough in my own life. It seems like people get off on lying and wondering why their lives are so messed up. I may not go to church, but I know God does not sleep. So am I normal for thinking this way? I think Johns penis should burn off his body. His mouth be sewn shut and his heart be hung in front of him for all he put me through. I think Tracy deserves the crap she keeps getting simply because that is all she talks is crap. Cheryl always in pain and looking for drugs, maybe she deserves it, calling here asking if I have pain meds like vicoden(?). I dont do any drugs, at the most I take one Aleve maybe a month. I dont sit around looking for bad. Nate he is living his own Karma out right now. I am just waitin for that day he walks out again. Hopefully by then I am working and bringing in good money so I dont have to worry about it again. I tell you this he walks out I will not talk to him again. While he is here I will be human and be nice to him and feed him and bring him to his apointments and try to get him better. But for now my goal is finding a job and getting better.. Spring is coming, so is my job!!!

wherever it may be....

he was a mechanic in a small town, she was just passing through when she got a flat tire, an old guy passing by stopped and helped her dropping her at the garage and making arrangements to get the car in the morning to get it repaired, she went across the street to the little resturant she saw when she and the old guy pulled up to the garage, the lady behind the counter told her sit anywhere because it was so slow that night late fall no one comes in really, she sat in a booth near the window facing out to a lake, she ordered a coffee and piece of pie, meanwhile he sat at his garage and tinkered in the bay looking at a car that wouldnt start for someone, thinking and getting mad at things he began throwing tools trying to figure things out mad at himself because hes so tired of being alone, because he works so much hes never had time for a real relationship, times just passing by so fast and he isnt getting any younger and he wants a wife and kids, he misses having a woman to hold and kiss and make love to, ever since his ex walked out on him 7 years ago with a guy he once thought of as a bestfriend, his stomach was beginning to growl so he decided to call it a night and go home, but as he left the garage he decided the rumbling in his stomach couldnt wait til he got home so he headed across the street to the resturant and caught his eye on the lonely lady sitting in the window, he thought how she was so pretty and how she didnt fit in with this town, her hair was long brown and curly, bluest of blue eyes, looked sad though and he wondered why?, he walked in and got greeted by an overjoyed girl behind the counter as he sat at the counter she poured him a cup of coffee he ordered a hamburger with the works and extra fries with pickles, he turned to look out the window and caught the lady in the booth looking at him as she turned away fast as if she was hoping he wouldnt catch her, he giggled and went over to her booth sat across fromher and said caughtcha and she looked at him and said she would rather be alone and would he leave, he said not right to eat alone besides he has her car as ransom the waitress brought his food and he said ill eat fast and be out of your way, but answer this for me he asked, where you going? she looked at him and decided oh hell she was stuck talking to him so she told him she was on a journey to find herself and it just so happened her car got tired and went flat, so here she is eating pie and wishing it was a turkey sandwich like at thanksgiving with the gravy and cranberry sauce on toast with stuffing, so began the small talk between the two of them and they talked late into the night as the resturant was getting ready to close she realized she had no place to stay.....

too much thinking...

i cant think straight i have so much going on in my head i cant figure out which way to go part of me says move on parts of me says stay you need to, then i wish i could figure out what the other people are trully thinking themselves, one person says he wants to be here yet he never does anything to come here, another tells he wouldnt have left if we didnt argue too much when he did leave, another tells me to stop talking to everyone, another tells me i deserve better yet she keeps trying to catch diseases or get pregnant with baby number 4 by a dj who could be baby daddy number 4, another who is gay tells me he needs to get out of his dads house and wants to come here but he needs his space to walk around naked no thanks buddy seriously thats gross, i have a teenage daughter absolutely no one will be walkin around my house butt naked especially since there is no baby in the house, i wish i had a baby but i dont, i want to open my own restuarant but i dont know how to, i wish a storm would come through and tear down my house so i can collect the insurance and move, i hate living where i am, i need to move and find a new start somewhere else. been here too long now, i lost weight but i know i gained some of it back or at least i feel i did, im depressed thinking i should claim social security but i dont want to deal with people or wait forever to get approved, i dont like sitting on my butt waiting for things to get better i apply for jobs everywhere yet no one calls the one job offer i got i don even trust because they hired people on the spot and then my daughter got hurt so i had to let go of the job not fair but it was only for 10 days anyways but whatever, my friend hates her job and wont leave it the guy has her working 16 hours a day treats her like shit pays her crap she has 2 young kids at home she doesnt get it, i need god to show me what to do because im missing something i dont get it, what am i supposed to do? i need to be shown who or how do i start my own company? its in my heart to start my own resturant, i dont need negative in my life, i need to start being happy again, i was happy before, i miss nate i think because hes been part of my life for so long and i get his checks i dont want to lose his checks when i myself dont have an income i think thats the only reason he keeps contact with me really and thats hardly ever anymore he turns his phone off then says he lost his power cord, i dont believe him. i miss john because for a long time i was in love with him and then he walked out on me when i needed him but he says if i didnt tell him to leave when we argued he probably wouldnt have left, now he has his own place for just himself hes happy alone, i miss john because believe it or not he made me feel special just by the fact we didnt need alot to be happy each day we slept in the same bed with no sex that was important to me, i didnt need sex nor do i want it, he let me sleep with my arm around him when i needed him he would put his around me, i really wish i didnt push him away he would still be here, and maybe by now we would have been more than friends but now we are complete strangers, i look at his picture and think god he looks old and ugly but i still in my heart remember that gorgeous man who walked into my store and i made a joke towards, where is he today? i miss him, he could be the one working and paying the bills here i could be the at home mom caregiver and whatnot, but i was dumb. my mistake. nate left on his own because he was a major cheater and his karma was catching up to him so much making him physically sick from all the lies he did.. i wish he could have been better but hes not. i really wish i could move and start over, because where i am right now i dont like anyone and dont trust anyone, i believe if i move then i can make better choices in life and let go of people i no longer need in my life and wont continue to get used by people as i do all the time. i need a better life. i need to get to working even if it is part time outside the house i need better things to do. please god show me what to do where to go...im losing my mind...i need to really quit smoking too....

loss and sadness

my friend is going through some bad stuff right now her son just tried to commit suicide and he may not make it, i dont know what to say to her besides possitive thinking because thats all i know is possitive thinking for other people and i feel sad for her son he is dealing with so much from growing up watching violence and alcoholism in the family to her second husband showing him how to use drugs and steal and be bad to his first love introducing him to herion, hes been in and out of jail, in and out of detox places that only keep him for 10 days at a time i believe in him so much i believe he would do good if he could get it all out of his system and he can heal and move on from it he has lost so much from his 2 kids to his family i promised him he overcomes this and get himself better id make him my 19 layer lasagna dinner he loves my cooking and i dont want to fail on him i still believe in him i pray he makes it through this and gets better and overcomes all this, the doctors arent sure he will make it through the night, but i believe the power of prayer helps please everyone who reads this please pray for him... thank you

u got a way about you...

you got a way about you that makes me wonder how i got so lucky to know you, how i got so lucky to have you in my life off and on over the years, and now you are gone and i dont know if it is temporary or for good, but you need to know, if you do come back i wont be the same person, i have grown to know i can no longer trust you the way i thought i did, i can no longer love you the way i thought i did nor the way you needed to be loved, i can no longer be used by you the way you used me, getting me to believe it had to be all about you and never about me unless something went wrong then it became my fault, you were here in my house for 4 and a half months for dirt cheap and in the end you left because i told you i had cancer, cancer i wouldnt have known about if your dog didnt knock me over the night you went out with your friends and got drunk and took your anger out on me, if she didnt knock me over my hip wouldnt have hurt the way it did for 2 days before i finally gave in and went to the er the day after you were arrested for threatening me, you wrote me a letter saying you were going to change and you were going to do better and respect me and never scare me again but anyways i hid the secret of cancer from you because i knew you couldnt handle it, after 5 weeks of doing chemo in secret and getting yelled at by james to tell you, i did tell you and then you became quiet towards me but you didnt even give me the time to tell you i wasin remission, you just heard i had cancer and left without telling me, you left telling me to die, that wasnt funny and it hurt, the nxt day you called me a liar and a fat cow to hurt me even more just because i contact the post office and told them you no longer live with me and no longer will be recieving your mail at my house, you hated me that much you had to keep hurting me instead of being my friend i thought you were, well guess what? i wish i could be the fly tha gets to watch you get your karma bug up your ass, because when it happens its going to hurt you so bad, no wonder why your family has nothing to do with you. the sad thing about all this is i dont hate you, nope i forgive you, im always going to love and care for you, but i will never believe i can trust you again. never hurt a woman whos been hurt too much in her past she knows how to let go of people even if it takes her a few days but she will. the things you left here will either get thrown out or sold, because i dont think i need to hold onto your stuff as far as i am concerned i need to let you go, even though i will miss your brown eyes, your collogne, your dog, your snores, your laugh, your insecurities. god puts people in your life and he takes them out your life, the lesson i believe im learning is time for me to take care of me and my child no one else, like your buddy said youre a grown man you can take care of yourself. as for your buddy telling me how she and i are bestfriends and family while you were busy moving your stuff out my house into hers, if she was a genuine person with her words she wouldnt have done that to me after everything i have done for her and her shithead ungrateful bastards. users all of you were and im thankful you are all out of my life now. just know im going to get the job ive been holding off for and im going to be better than the two of you together, im going to be so happy you will wish you didnt screw up and walk away. im better than that. i wont go backwards, but if you were to come into my life again i will be mature and say hi, but i wont be your fool again. you broke a promise to me. what you did was like joe beating me to the pulp. it hurt that scar wont heal for a long time. i can let go of your new love because she is worthless in my eyes because of what she did she is like my biological family act friendly and stab you repeatedly while smiling at your face. you i know you ran because you heard the bad part the part i was trying to hold away from you so you wouldnt leave, because i wanted so much for you to get a job and get your license and become whole again we were working on it, then you threw it away for her over something you didnt let me finish telling you and you didnt want to hear, but hey i know the truth now of how you felt towards me and you can say it is a lie but your actions spoke louder than any mean words you said. but to you im the liar. because you failed to believe in me the way i believed in you i know anything you try to obtain now will not happen. no golf career no license no job nothing, you came from nothing and now you are back to nothing because you were not man enough to accept everything i was offering you and you werent man enough to stick around. oh well, you have a way about you that makes me wish i could rewind 4 years and take back that joke, but i forgive you now that i have typed this and my mind is clear and i can finally get some sleep tonight. thank you john for teaching me what not to be like. i will be always the only one who trully loves and cares for you, not your money or your sex but for you. i hope one day you realize what you walked away from. and for her i hope she loses everything even her kids she doesnt deserve anything she has, if she did she wouldnt do drugs everyday and whine about how she has no money to pay her bills, she cant kept a job because she was busy stealing from people she was working for. yeah i heard it from people in the town i used to work in people talk in small towns. thats why she gets a ride to get meth everyday once a drug addict always a drug addict. i love you, thank you and im sorry. remember those words and why i used to tell them to you. take care.

a piece of quiet for taste? no?

it shouldnt be so had to get people to understand you can not be used by them continuously? or is it? i mean seriously i want for one day be abled to say to a person im not going out today and they say oh thats ok i understand enjoy your day...not turn around and give me the guilt trip because i wont run them around and give all their friends rides as well. today i am staying home because for 3 days i was in the car way too much for others, nothing for myself. i told my neighbor who i would consider a friend when sh basically was trying to tell me i was going out that i wasnt going anywhere, she turns around and says well thanks for your help ill just take the kids and walk or ride bikes to walmart to get what i need lets face it i bette get used to it since im never getting another car again. then sends me another text asking if she could borrow the bike i have in my shed. i didnt reply to either of them. she is just ignorant and im not having any part of it. i mean damn im 35 years old and may not have much left in my life for material things but at least i dont need to depend on people who i plan to use way too much and think $5 is going to cover the gas. she says i need a ride if i give you $5 can you take me? ive been stupid for way too long, but the other day i got over it and said enoughs enough already. she had me driving all over and didnt offer me money when she stopped to get cigarettes she said when we get kalvin he will give you money, i never got it and when i asked about it i was told no i said ill give it to you tomorrow when i get my check. it was a monday she gets her check on wednesdays. i know what i heard because i recorded what she said.  she is watching my other friend cherils cats well was one escaped over a week ago and is now back to where it originally came from and the other one since then she has bitched about over and over i have offered to take it and she would all of a sudden change her mind and say it was ok she could keep the cat, today she sent me a bitchy text talking about the cat has to go today because it was breaking vases in the house broke this and that. she said she was going to toss the cat out because its not like cheril wants the cat anyways. omgosh i need to let it go, i seriously need a job so i can stop taking care of other peoples problems. i think ill go call around and find out about job applications i have filled out. yall have an interesting day or night...