13 years and 28 before...

In my life I have lost many people. One being my bestfriend, my sister. Another being my hero, my Dad. My Dad died 2 days before his birthday, February 3rd, 1986. My sister died on his birthday, February 5th, 2002. Right now the one person I want near me doesn't want to be near me. I was trying my hardest not to think of this month or the anniversaries of two of the greatest people I've ever known. But I'm getting pissed off at people. Can't stand people being so close to me. Every year I'm so used to being alone and keeping busy so I won't have to think. Think about people I can't see face to face nor pick up the phone and call. The things they miss out on because they can't be here physically. My sister didn't get to be here and raise her daughter to the beautiful woman she has become. My Dad didn't get to be here guiding me either. I wish the one person I want to walk through life with would change his mind and come here and hold me up. Or at least give me a dry tissue. I know I have a box right next to me,  but it's the thought he'd walk over grab a tissue and hand it to me that counts.

 I can barely remember much about my dad. Seriously, what I remember... He worked at Sherwin Williams, he brought me to the children's museum in Boston when I was a kid, showed me the bunnies and the big telephone, my hand got shut in the car door he walked with me on the beach at nantaskett he found a rock it was flat and rock he told me the story of how the indians would rub the rocks and the pain would go away, we moved to Maine, he became a radio DJ and died.. The night he died he made me a promise he didn't keep... "Down and back, I'll be right back. I promise. Just going for a jar of sauce". He died on the stores floor. The nightmares began that night. Aliens coming and killing people, me hiding under the bed and my dad coming and saying " it's okay", but it wasn't. Never will be okay again... He will never get to hear kids calling him "geepa". Never walk me down the aisle if I ever get married...he will never dance with me again, eat pepperoni or sardines with mustard on crackers again, never drink beer or watch baseball with me again, most of all he won't ever hug me again..
My sister, I'm beginning to forget a lot about her too. Seriously I don't remember anything with her when we were kids. I know she was there. Just don't remember it. What I remember is as teens we would skip school together, go to Chinatown and to the movies, we'd walk Carson beach with friends, go to Sam Goody's and Woolworth's and check dudes out, I remember being at the frog pond the day she met Rains father with Becky, shain and Dmae. I remember hanging with her and Mona at the park on a hot summers night drinking a 40, her getting me to smoke pot that one time I hallucinated my dad was in front of me me begging him to help me up the stairs, I remember she hit a stage where she wouldn't go anywhere, her passing out on the train after she and I went walking downtown I swore up and down she was pregnant, low and behold few months later Rain was born. I feel I'm partly to blame for her being dead. If I didn't yell "she thinks you're cute" she wouldn't have met rains father, she wouldn't have been abused and ultimately murdered by him. Dawn is losing out on so much of her daughters growing up. Like her first crush, first kiss, first drivers lesson, her graduation next year, her daughter falling in love and getting married. Her grandkids.
They miss out on so much stuff.
I wanted to fall in love with a guy just like the 3 men who meant so much to me. My dad and my grandfathers. They were the last of the good men. Or so I thought. I wanted a guy who was kind heart, handsome, sweet, sincere, caring, loving, who would fight for me, fight with me and make up by bringing me a flower and talking with me, a man who had taste in suits, wore nice hats, gambled yet knew when to quit. I wanted a hard working man who came home to lay in bed with me every night. Until his dying day. I wanted a man who would love me loving him. I thought I met him. No, I know I met him. Even with all the miles in between us. We met. But then he disappeared just as fast as he came into my life. Now tonight instead of being held by loving arms while I'm crying I lay here alone. Never understanding truly what happened to pull him away so fast. Just wish God would bring him back to me... With him I felt alive. With him I felt happy inside and out. With him I learned to fall in love with my soul. I miss him. I miss me. I miss us...he will never know how much he effected me, just like my dad, just like my sister... He's gone too...

they sat write it out...

They say write it out, it'll help heal you. Problem is it's too deep. I write and I write and I write. But you're still there in my head fucking with me. I stop to listen to mumbling your shit, but it's aggravating the shit out of me. I want you face to face to me with the privilege to just slap you once. Then I can move on to either love you unconditional if you want me to. Or I can move on and have you out my system. How was it so easy for you to say love love love oh I will come to America and go everywhere and become fat from eating everything in sight. I believed everything you said to me. Even when it made no sense. You made me laugh when I didn't want to laugh. You made me hate you  at the same time fall deeper in love with you. Then just as fast as you entered my world, you left. No real honest reason to it either. There's a wish I hold in my heart, that you'd either come home to me or leave my heart and memory so I could move on and stop hating everything and feeling depressed like I want to take my own life. I have so much to live for, yet for weeks now I think if I didn't have any animals taken my life would be so easy. Truly, I don't believe any human would miss me.

This is supposed to be my year. You were supposed to be part of it. Now I'm just lost. And alone. Never felt this hollow before. I want to stop crying and feeling this way. I'm not going to write to you anymore at your email nor any other way I know how to contact you. I love you. But I need to let you. I need to learn to breath again. I need to learn to fill myself with joy and happiness and love and be honest to myself. I'm turning 38 this year. I want to fall in love and get married and have a good mans baby. It's my turn to live. It's sad you fell apart from us. But it's life. I'm not letting you hold me back. I love you, I'm letting you go... Letting you go be alone and miserable and unfulfilled... If you choose to change I will be your friend. I love you, I'm sorry and thank you. Oh and I forgive you....

ten week affair...

    We met fast one night. Never thought it could turn into a ten week long super romance. You came saying how you were in a bad situation. I was there lending you an ear. As a friend or so I thought. 
    Not in a million years did I ever think I could fall in love with a man the way I did. I've loved men but never have I been in love before. This guy got me to feel feelings I never wanted to feel. But he got into my soul. Made me feel at home.
          It happened so fast. Without a warning. Within a week we were saying I love you. He was afraid of telling me his name and showing me his picture. But he did. He was handsome. Funny it had been years since I called any man handsome. The last guy I called handsome earned his name. But this guy looked handsome in the way he dressed and the way he looked. 
           This guy open many wounds from my past and helped me heal passed them. But at the same time he was taking things from me. I didn't even notice until it was too late. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. We spoke so much it felt like he was right here. In the same room with me.
              He was 3,200 miles away. He told me so much about himself. As I told him so much about me and my past. We would feel so comfortable with each other it felt at times he was inside my head. I'd lay on my bed it would feel he was right here laying with me. 
               There were times we would lay together and dream the same dreams. Talk of being together. He'd come for a visit and then move here to be with me. It felt so real. I believed it would happen. He never gave me reason not to believe he would be here with me.
                Ten weeks, we dreamt the same dream of love and happiness. We had our little pet names for each other. Ways to pick on each other. If we argued we spoke it out. Ten weeks in, something happened.
                It's been five weeks since it all fell apart. Crumbled like dry bread. We were going so good. Then something happened inside of him he began to pull away and talk less. When he did talk he began finding petty things to argue over to push me away or cause a scene in front of people. 
               He began lying to me and others around. I figured he was just getting cold feet. Was scared of something so wonderful could happen because he's so used to bad things happening he had to ruin us. So he didn't have to experience something so wonderful. Because he's not ready for it. 
               I wanted to hold on to him and hope. But holding on means I had to hurt. So I prayed on it. God answered. So for now my life is going on without him. When the time is right and he is truly ready god will lead us back together again. But for now I can only hope and pray for him. He needs to heal from his past so he can experience good in his life. I believe he is a good man. 
              He deserves happiness and love. All humans do. But my life right now is about making myself first and taking advantage of what God has for me. This is my year. This year I will be happy and in love with life. It may have to be with nother man, but that man will get my all. 
              And if ten week romance never comes around to finish our journey together at least I have those ten weeks to remember something beautiful. I'm not his loss. He's not my loss. We are not over. He knows it. He just needs to get strong enough to finish what he started. 

Ten week romance..... Five weeks still recovering....

i want to dance with you... part one I thought chichi deleted but yay I found it!!!

From the first moment you entered my world I felt a connection with you.  I dreamt of you before you entered my life. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew in my dreams?". I never knew until that night you would come real to me. We spent so many nights talking and falling for each other. I was afraid of saying " I love you" to you. For I have never been in love before. We have never touched hands let alone kissed. But as we grew closer and dreaming the same dreams. You became more real to me then anyone has before. We are of many miles apart, but when we spoke to each other I felt as if you were right here in the same room with me. 

There were nights we never said "goodnight" but simply stayed talking with each other so we had many good nights. I loved you before I even laid my eyes on your pictures of your handsome face. But the moment I saw your face my dreams became real. You were the guy in my dream. You told me your name. My heart fluttered, my gut did its little butterfly dance. I became scared of you. Because I knew you were the one for me. 

We would fall asleep talking with each other, snuggling, telling each other we love for one another. We would dream the same dream. Connecting us even more. I loved you even more.

We would talk of our past pains and sufferings, healing each other. We would argue, fuss and fight. But we would make somehow never give up. We would make amends. Fall deeper in love. 

Something happened to take you away from me. I miss you so much. All I want to do is hold you and talk with you. I miss you. Maybe you feel the same. But who knows, but you? I can not picture myself with another man. Because after you who can compare to you? Who can make me feel safe at home and beautiful like you did?

 I didn't care if you were rich nor poor. Because I felt complete with you. Funny even though we are not talking right now. I still feel you near me. I still feel complete. I smile for no reason. Then I feel you in my heart. I hear you in my thoughts. I still love you.

One day, I will get to dance you under the moonlit sky to just the song in our hearts. Because to me our lives have become a romance novel that has not finished. No matter where you are, just know I hope you haven't stopped dreaming about us. I hope our dreams become reality. Our romance novel gets written through to the end. I hope you hear me every time I say I love you...

I want to dance with you...

I dreamt of you before you entered my world. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew?". It was the same dream my going to the door you're there on the outside. You'd say the same thing in each time because the dream never changed. You'd say " I'm never leaving you again!". I'd wake up from the dream lay there wondering "who the hell am I dreaming of? Why does he say that to me?" Then...

You came into my life for real just on a whim. You came into my group one night. Almost like you were looking for someone to hold you up while your life was so dark. We sat there talking for hours. You, me and my friend. You and I just kept chatting all night then all day. Time just got away from us. But we didn't care. To me in the beginning I was a friend helping a friend out of a bad situation.

We grew stronger over that weekend. You got strong enough to walk out and become a better man. Over time you have become stronger and better for yourself. Over time our worlds collided into one world of just us.
Our souls became one soul. We felt and heard each other without even needing to be in the same room let alone the same continent. I was your very first email ever. You were the first man I ever fell in love with. We spent so much time together we were putting our own separate lives on hold for each other.
Within a week I confessed how I loved you. Though I was afraid you weren't even there. I had to tell you how I felt. Then you surprised me by replying your feelings were the same. That you wanted to say it before but were afraid it was too soon. But after all the time we spent together it felt we were together for a year before we said when it hadnt even been a week.
Now remember I've never been in love. So feeling it scares me. Because that means deep inside throughout all the talking we've done, throughout all the healing we've dine to help each other let go of past pains throughout all the fussing, fighting and bickering you grabbed my soul and completed me. You molded me to fit your life. You made me feel at home and beautiful. I have never felt that before you. I dont ever want to feel it with another man either. For me you are all I needed in my life.
         You've let me into your world where I helped you through things as well. But something happened that took your heart away. I pray it's only temporary and that the dreams we shared do come true someday. Maybe everything just became too real for you and you got scared. Whatever it is holding you from becoming fully happy I hope you get passed so we can move on together.
I tell you this, Love. I love you for those months we spent together talking about anything and everything. Listening to music together. Feeling as if we were in the same room together even though we are too many miles apart. I felt you were just away on business. I still feel that way.

I think some of the negative people got to me saying let him go, he's not worth it. They don't know how worth it you really are. They don't know because they were there listening to us. They don't know the obstacles we climbed over just to love each other.
 We would snuggle in together telling each other sweet dreams and I love you as we fell asleep. We would wake up texting each other our I love yous. Those months we had together felt like years for me. Thank you for making me feel complete my Love.  I hope I am still your Babe. You are the only one I ever let me call me that. You know it. Just like you letting me get away with calling you by your name. I'm not done loving you. Take your time Love. But in the end get your butt home to me.
I want to dance under the moonlit skies above us to the music in our hearts. I want to kiss the man who owns my heart, goodnight. I want to watch you play with our son just as in our dreams. I want to lay on the couch watching the Golden Girls. We made a pact. I promised you forever. You agreed to onions and coconut, my Love.
Let's get on with our romance novel only we can write...

TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE...

I FINALLY HIT THAT SPOT WHERE THE LIES TO MY FACE AND HIS CONSTANT TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE HE ISNT LYING ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME ANYMORE. I AM MAD HE CARED MORE FOR GETTING HIMSELF MORE CHICKS TO LISTEN TO HIS LIES. I AM MAD I HAVENT BEEN STRONG ENOUGH TO GET RID OF HIM. HE IS ONLY HERE BECAUSE HE HASNT FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO "GO VISIT" AND CLAIM IT IS HIS COUSIN OR UNCLE. HE IS SITTING THERE LYING TO PEOPLE HOW HE IS A BIKER AND HE WORKS. I KNOW IT IS ONLY INTERNET, BUT DAMN THERE IS A THING CALLED KARMA THAT RUNS AROUND AND YOU THROWING OUT THE LIES IS GOING TO GET SOMEONE HURT. IGNORES ME, BUT IF I SAY SOMETHING HE LIES AND SAYS HE WANTS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME, YET HE PUTS ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT INTO SHOWING IT OR PROVING IT. HE BROKE DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM SO BAD I COULDNT FUNCTION TO GO GET A JOB. I WOULD GET GOING TO DO IT, WHEN THE TIME COMES HE WOULD START MAKING COMMENTS AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE STEPPED IN SHIT. HOW CAN A MAN WHO ISNT ANYTHING HIMSELF HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER SOMEONE HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH? I WISH I HAD THE STRENGTH TO GET THAT JOB, GET MONEY COMING IN AND TELL HIM GOODBYE.. I HAVE LOST SO MUCH BECAUSE OF HIM AND HE DOESNT EVEN CARE... UGH

pease to the loser from woburn who thinks hes all that....

I don't wanna be hurt, I don't wanna hear you say how youll never hurt, I don't wanna cry no more, I want to know what its like to smile and feel joy from inside out im not asking for too much just what id offer you a simple time of love a time when we can be more than just friends I want u as my companion someone by my side holding my hand keeping me safe and making me smile....................





right now I am taking a break from adding people to my friends list for games.... I only play a few and 2 of them I have a bunch of friends for them, I appreciate them I mean you guys a lot, more than you will ever know,,, but right now I gotta figure out who I can delete because I don't want to be just a number to someone, who helps me during the games and who speaks to me... I want to make friends from you   guys,


peace douche baggy lonely impotent man....haha


also if you are going to delete me please be kind enough to tell me inbox....ive noticed some people add me then delete me but im stuck with their names from the game we play that is the same so I have to go through and delete by blocking them.... believe me I like the ability to block people... one fool spoke bad about me blaming me then deleted me I saw his status still, almost like he waited for me to come on in order to delete me, but talking bs and deleting me just gets you blocked, don't tell me shitty dump line about picturing me being a drinker and stopped at a red light then you getting out and walking away, that is doesn't mean we are not friends blah blah blah, when you delete someone it means you are no longer friends...oh whipty do I wont miss you...I gotta better people in my life that wont make themselves look better than others just to satisfy their own egos....