wherever it may be....

he was a mechanic in a small town, she was just passing through when she got a flat tire, an old guy passing by stopped and helped her dropping her at the garage and making arrangements to get the car in the morning to get it repaired, she went across the street to the little resturant she saw when she and the old guy pulled up to the garage, the lady behind the counter told her sit anywhere because it was so slow that night late fall no one comes in really, she sat in a booth near the window facing out to a lake, she ordered a coffee and piece of pie, meanwhile he sat at his garage and tinkered in the bay looking at a car that wouldnt start for someone, thinking and getting mad at things he began throwing tools trying to figure things out mad at himself because hes so tired of being alone, because he works so much hes never had time for a real relationship, times just passing by so fast and he isnt getting any younger and he wants a wife and kids, he misses having a woman to hold and kiss and make love to, ever since his ex walked out on him 7 years ago with a guy he once thought of as a bestfriend, his stomach was beginning to growl so he decided to call it a night and go home, but as he left the garage he decided the rumbling in his stomach couldnt wait til he got home so he headed across the street to the resturant and caught his eye on the lonely lady sitting in the window, he thought how she was so pretty and how she didnt fit in with this town, her hair was long brown and curly, bluest of blue eyes, looked sad though and he wondered why?, he walked in and got greeted by an overjoyed girl behind the counter as he sat at the counter she poured him a cup of coffee he ordered a hamburger with the works and extra fries with pickles, he turned to look out the window and caught the lady in the booth looking at him as she turned away fast as if she was hoping he wouldnt catch her, he giggled and went over to her booth sat across fromher and said caughtcha and she looked at him and said she would rather be alone and would he leave, he said not right to eat alone besides he has her car as ransom the waitress brought his food and he said ill eat fast and be out of your way, but answer this for me he asked, where you going? she looked at him and decided oh hell she was stuck talking to him so she told him she was on a journey to find herself and it just so happened her car got tired and went flat, so here she is eating pie and wishing it was a turkey sandwich like at thanksgiving with the gravy and cranberry sauce on toast with stuffing, so began the small talk between the two of them and they talked late into the night as the resturant was getting ready to close she realized she had no place to stay.....

too much thinking...

i cant think straight i have so much going on in my head i cant figure out which way to go part of me says move on parts of me says stay you need to, then i wish i could figure out what the other people are trully thinking themselves, one person says he wants to be here yet he never does anything to come here, another tells he wouldnt have left if we didnt argue too much when he did leave, another tells me to stop talking to everyone, another tells me i deserve better yet she keeps trying to catch diseases or get pregnant with baby number 4 by a dj who could be baby daddy number 4, another who is gay tells me he needs to get out of his dads house and wants to come here but he needs his space to walk around naked no thanks buddy seriously thats gross, i have a teenage daughter absolutely no one will be walkin around my house butt naked especially since there is no baby in the house, i wish i had a baby but i dont, i want to open my own restuarant but i dont know how to, i wish a storm would come through and tear down my house so i can collect the insurance and move, i hate living where i am, i need to move and find a new start somewhere else. been here too long now, i lost weight but i know i gained some of it back or at least i feel i did, im depressed thinking i should claim social security but i dont want to deal with people or wait forever to get approved, i dont like sitting on my butt waiting for things to get better i apply for jobs everywhere yet no one calls the one job offer i got i don even trust because they hired people on the spot and then my daughter got hurt so i had to let go of the job not fair but it was only for 10 days anyways but whatever, my friend hates her job and wont leave it the guy has her working 16 hours a day treats her like shit pays her crap she has 2 young kids at home she doesnt get it, i need god to show me what to do because im missing something i dont get it, what am i supposed to do? i need to be shown who or how do i start my own company? its in my heart to start my own resturant, i dont need negative in my life, i need to start being happy again, i was happy before, i miss nate i think because hes been part of my life for so long and i get his checks i dont want to lose his checks when i myself dont have an income i think thats the only reason he keeps contact with me really and thats hardly ever anymore he turns his phone off then says he lost his power cord, i dont believe him. i miss john because for a long time i was in love with him and then he walked out on me when i needed him but he says if i didnt tell him to leave when we argued he probably wouldnt have left, now he has his own place for just himself hes happy alone, i miss john because believe it or not he made me feel special just by the fact we didnt need alot to be happy each day we slept in the same bed with no sex that was important to me, i didnt need sex nor do i want it, he let me sleep with my arm around him when i needed him he would put his around me, i really wish i didnt push him away he would still be here, and maybe by now we would have been more than friends but now we are complete strangers, i look at his picture and think god he looks old and ugly but i still in my heart remember that gorgeous man who walked into my store and i made a joke towards, where is he today? i miss him, he could be the one working and paying the bills here i could be the at home mom caregiver and whatnot, but i was dumb. my mistake. nate left on his own because he was a major cheater and his karma was catching up to him so much making him physically sick from all the lies he did.. i wish he could have been better but hes not. i really wish i could move and start over, because where i am right now i dont like anyone and dont trust anyone, i believe if i move then i can make better choices in life and let go of people i no longer need in my life and wont continue to get used by people as i do all the time. i need a better life. i need to get to working even if it is part time outside the house i need better things to do. please god show me what to do where to go...im losing my mind...i need to really quit smoking too....

loss and sadness

my friend is going through some bad stuff right now her son just tried to commit suicide and he may not make it, i dont know what to say to her besides possitive thinking because thats all i know is possitive thinking for other people and i feel sad for her son he is dealing with so much from growing up watching violence and alcoholism in the family to her second husband showing him how to use drugs and steal and be bad to his first love introducing him to herion, hes been in and out of jail, in and out of detox places that only keep him for 10 days at a time i believe in him so much i believe he would do good if he could get it all out of his system and he can heal and move on from it he has lost so much from his 2 kids to his family i promised him he overcomes this and get himself better id make him my 19 layer lasagna dinner he loves my cooking and i dont want to fail on him i still believe in him i pray he makes it through this and gets better and overcomes all this, the doctors arent sure he will make it through the night, but i believe the power of prayer helps please everyone who reads this please pray for him... thank you

u got a way about you...

you got a way about you that makes me wonder how i got so lucky to know you, how i got so lucky to have you in my life off and on over the years, and now you are gone and i dont know if it is temporary or for good, but you need to know, if you do come back i wont be the same person, i have grown to know i can no longer trust you the way i thought i did, i can no longer love you the way i thought i did nor the way you needed to be loved, i can no longer be used by you the way you used me, getting me to believe it had to be all about you and never about me unless something went wrong then it became my fault, you were here in my house for 4 and a half months for dirt cheap and in the end you left because i told you i had cancer, cancer i wouldnt have known about if your dog didnt knock me over the night you went out with your friends and got drunk and took your anger out on me, if she didnt knock me over my hip wouldnt have hurt the way it did for 2 days before i finally gave in and went to the er the day after you were arrested for threatening me, you wrote me a letter saying you were going to change and you were going to do better and respect me and never scare me again but anyways i hid the secret of cancer from you because i knew you couldnt handle it, after 5 weeks of doing chemo in secret and getting yelled at by james to tell you, i did tell you and then you became quiet towards me but you didnt even give me the time to tell you i wasin remission, you just heard i had cancer and left without telling me, you left telling me to die, that wasnt funny and it hurt, the nxt day you called me a liar and a fat cow to hurt me even more just because i contact the post office and told them you no longer live with me and no longer will be recieving your mail at my house, you hated me that much you had to keep hurting me instead of being my friend i thought you were, well guess what? i wish i could be the fly tha gets to watch you get your karma bug up your ass, because when it happens its going to hurt you so bad, no wonder why your family has nothing to do with you. the sad thing about all this is i dont hate you, nope i forgive you, im always going to love and care for you, but i will never believe i can trust you again. never hurt a woman whos been hurt too much in her past she knows how to let go of people even if it takes her a few days but she will. the things you left here will either get thrown out or sold, because i dont think i need to hold onto your stuff as far as i am concerned i need to let you go, even though i will miss your brown eyes, your collogne, your dog, your snores, your laugh, your insecurities. god puts people in your life and he takes them out your life, the lesson i believe im learning is time for me to take care of me and my child no one else, like your buddy said youre a grown man you can take care of yourself. as for your buddy telling me how she and i are bestfriends and family while you were busy moving your stuff out my house into hers, if she was a genuine person with her words she wouldnt have done that to me after everything i have done for her and her shithead ungrateful bastards. users all of you were and im thankful you are all out of my life now. just know im going to get the job ive been holding off for and im going to be better than the two of you together, im going to be so happy you will wish you didnt screw up and walk away. im better than that. i wont go backwards, but if you were to come into my life again i will be mature and say hi, but i wont be your fool again. you broke a promise to me. what you did was like joe beating me to the pulp. it hurt that scar wont heal for a long time. i can let go of your new love because she is worthless in my eyes because of what she did she is like my biological family act friendly and stab you repeatedly while smiling at your face. you i know you ran because you heard the bad part the part i was trying to hold away from you so you wouldnt leave, because i wanted so much for you to get a job and get your license and become whole again we were working on it, then you threw it away for her over something you didnt let me finish telling you and you didnt want to hear, but hey i know the truth now of how you felt towards me and you can say it is a lie but your actions spoke louder than any mean words you said. but to you im the liar. because you failed to believe in me the way i believed in you i know anything you try to obtain now will not happen. no golf career no license no job nothing, you came from nothing and now you are back to nothing because you were not man enough to accept everything i was offering you and you werent man enough to stick around. oh well, you have a way about you that makes me wish i could rewind 4 years and take back that joke, but i forgive you now that i have typed this and my mind is clear and i can finally get some sleep tonight. thank you john for teaching me what not to be like. i will be always the only one who trully loves and cares for you, not your money or your sex but for you. i hope one day you realize what you walked away from. and for her i hope she loses everything even her kids she doesnt deserve anything she has, if she did she wouldnt do drugs everyday and whine about how she has no money to pay her bills, she cant kept a job because she was busy stealing from people she was working for. yeah i heard it from people in the town i used to work in people talk in small towns. thats why she gets a ride to get meth everyday once a drug addict always a drug addict. i love you, thank you and im sorry. remember those words and why i used to tell them to you. take care.

a piece of quiet for taste? no?

it shouldnt be so had to get people to understand you can not be used by them continuously? or is it? i mean seriously i want for one day be abled to say to a person im not going out today and they say oh thats ok i understand enjoy your day...not turn around and give me the guilt trip because i wont run them around and give all their friends rides as well. today i am staying home because for 3 days i was in the car way too much for others, nothing for myself. i told my neighbor who i would consider a friend when sh basically was trying to tell me i was going out that i wasnt going anywhere, she turns around and says well thanks for your help ill just take the kids and walk or ride bikes to walmart to get what i need lets face it i bette get used to it since im never getting another car again. then sends me another text asking if she could borrow the bike i have in my shed. i didnt reply to either of them. she is just ignorant and im not having any part of it. i mean damn im 35 years old and may not have much left in my life for material things but at least i dont need to depend on people who i plan to use way too much and think $5 is going to cover the gas. she says i need a ride if i give you $5 can you take me? ive been stupid for way too long, but the other day i got over it and said enoughs enough already. she had me driving all over and didnt offer me money when she stopped to get cigarettes she said when we get kalvin he will give you money, i never got it and when i asked about it i was told no i said ill give it to you tomorrow when i get my check. it was a monday she gets her check on wednesdays. i know what i heard because i recorded what she said.  she is watching my other friend cherils cats well was one escaped over a week ago and is now back to where it originally came from and the other one since then she has bitched about over and over i have offered to take it and she would all of a sudden change her mind and say it was ok she could keep the cat, today she sent me a bitchy text talking about the cat has to go today because it was breaking vases in the house broke this and that. she said she was going to toss the cat out because its not like cheril wants the cat anyways. omgosh i need to let it go, i seriously need a job so i can stop taking care of other peoples problems. i think ill go call around and find out about job applications i have filled out. yall have an interesting day or night...

a few pages i found i wrote in a notebook from a couple weeks ago

lately ive been think alot of the past, wonderin why i let so much bad happen to me? and why i havent been strong enough to let go of people who had hurt me for so long? like nate for instance he has lied to me from before he even moved here he was a cheater a user even still this day he walked out 6 months ago he still lies and it hurts the most because before he walked out he asked if we could be a couple in a relationship like a fool i agreed had i known he was leaving i wouldnt have agreed he had me sitting here crying like a fool for weeks over his sorry ass and now after so long i see he isnt coming back but at the same time i dont want to lose his checks from social security im so afraid he will take them from me when i need them more than he ever did im quite sure hes shacking up someone else who fell for his lies why cant he be man enough to say hey im sorry im with a new lady and im staying here with her and can keep my checks since i owe it all from the yearsi used you, but no he has to keep lying to me, why does god put jerks like him in my life? now hes telling me his uncle jerry is kicking him out cuz he doesn help with bills. hes talking about he needs his money now, so now im scared he will take them back and if it wasnt for me he wouldnt even have gotten them. lets talk about john for a few, i really dont know what to think of him maybe its partly my fault too but mostly his i think he wanted something with before the year we met and i wanted something with him too but i got scared because he made me feel good and no ones ever done that before i would get nervous when he came into the store but once he was there nerves wouldcalm down and i wouldnt want him to leave hed text me miss me? or id text it to him over a 4 year span we had been in and out of each others lives last august i told him i wanted something with him i got no reply so i gave up told him to forget it it hurt to try and be his friend because i felt rejected and shot down had i known he was losing his house at the time i would have kept talking to him and let it slide but he never once told me tonight i sit here thinking about it as he is living with me now its the very thing i told him a year ago id never do let him move in and help him but i couldnt get over the feelings for 2 weeks he kept bugging me in my thoughts in my dreams everything his name just kept coming to thought id hear his voice it sounded sad and lost, after speaking to rain i contacted him and he told me what was going on i didnt even stop to think i just said come stay here my doors opened to you, 3 days later i was picking him up and he was loading my car with his stuff its been 3 and a half months and hes still here he messed up in the beginning asking me to be in a relationship with him which brought back all those old feelings for him i burried last year then he decided i wasnt worth it and began starting arguments with me he became this loser jerk who i couldnt fathom being near then in the beginning of june he got burned by this chick he was fucking with whom im guessing was skinny and stripper type it seems all i did was rescue him alot then he blew all the feelings of even trust out the door when he texted tracy my friends about having sex i lost everything for him from then until july 4th he became this massive drunk douche july 4h he got arrested and from there things seem to be getting to where they were years ago but im not putting effort into it i told him for him to come back here absolutely no drinking and no lies and he has to put major effort into finding a job so he can pay off his debts get his license back and get himself a place of his own because really he needs to be on his own because when hes texting i feel sadness because i feel hes texting some chick hes a grown man he can do what he wants and i dont want anything with him i hit that spot the other night he told me if we had sex years ago we probably wouldnt even be friens now hed prefer us to remain friends thats all fine and dandy but while hes here i wont be able to date anyone because i wont be able to have a guy over id have to always go out to the guys house so im really hoping he gets this job tomorrow and he starts paying off his debts and gets out whether or not we remain friends im not too worried over that because people come and people go i love and care for him yes but i learned i can not put too much out for him he did help me in ways he may not even be aware of it either he helped me get over nate and his bull shit he opened buried wounds that after 16 years got ripped open and talked out it all got to heal from it ive been letting go of alot of pain my family caused me throughout my life im used to running away from problems and pain but im learning i cant do that right now but i know right now if my family came in front of me wanting to make amends i dont feeli could i dont believe i could move past them threatening to kill me and kidnap my child i dont think i could move past them blaming me for my mothers death trying to fight me in court for my house, my child and any money i had as far as i am concerned if i never see any of them again id be fine with that sometimes itsbest to leave the people like that in the past at times i miss my sister kari and the kids but then i get over it fast then becky she i think she was just a lost cause basically trying to get info out of me to tell the family hearing from little birdies last month my famly wants to start shit or excuse me wants to talk to me was like a slap in the face really i have better things to do as a kid i remember my brothers neating my dad up because he found out my mother cheated on him i remember chris hitting dad with a 2x4 in the head kari pulling us into marks room to hide there was a day my mothers boyfriend danny who was a drunk came into the store we owned in fields corner i hid under the oranges in the cabinet i remember going in the backroom and goin down the dark stairs and seeing my brothers whispering and yelling at me to get lost i remember when the store was set on fire by my brothers so my mother could claim the insurance money the nice chinese people next door almost lost all their dresses i remember looking at the change on the burnt floor wondering how far the money traveled i remember my dad brought me to the big phone the bubbles and the bunnies at the childrens museum i remember going to maine with my parents and meetin rose and michelle mother and daughter owned the crossroads motel in pembroke maine michelles dad telling her to teach me how to make an ice cream for the life of me i cant remember his name but i swear his name was john. i remember looking at the salt packets at the tables and diectly behind the motel was the river that let you to the reversing falls and the dam where we swam and caught trout my brother mark and sister kari had friends david and amy vance who were mollested and their mom drank herself to death, i remember i thought david was hot. but they had a friend matthew antone who was drop dead gorgeous he joined the military. we lived in maine 3 months before my dad died i still remember begging for him to take me with him to the store and his last words to me where "im just going for a jar of sauce ill be down and back before you know it 10 minutes i swear i promise" he left i cried knowing he wasnt coming back my brothers flew up the drivewa chris came running in telling my mother to go with stephen theres a problem at the store i remember watching out the bay window as the car disappeared from sight and chris had the broom and was threatening us to clean or he was going to hit us. that night the nightmares with the aliens started and lasted for years, i did girlscouts in maine one of my friends was allergic to flour and couldnt have sugar and my coconut. i remember w cleaned up a road to earn a badge my friends mom who ran the girl scouts her parents got into a fight and her mother got killed and her father was arrested shannon P was her name her brother became a major dopehead and hung himself, last i hear about shannon was she was living with an aunt in weymouth or watertown my mother hated me wanted to gone i remember sleeping in my bed and waking up to my brother stephen standing in my doorway my teacher holding me telling me id never have to go back home. because home is where you are to be loved and happy and those feelings were shared i remember ducky and geri holding me and loving me geri saying to me "i love you thank you and im sorry, i love you because you fill a spot in my heart that was empty and no one loved you lately, thank you for letting me love you and im sorry because you got hurt and no one said it to you" i remember feeling safe for once i didnt want to run away but then ducky died of a heart attack and geri pulle away from me i know it was short lived but i will always remember the love they gave me those 2 years i had them i will always love philadelphia because of them the falling leaves the snow covered streets the spring birds chirping the kids playing in the water fountains when the fire fighters would uncap the hydrants when it was too hot, for that i will alway love steak and cheese hoagies, for that sunflowers will always be a favorite flower of mine for that i learned to love and trust for that i was strong enough to live on and later on become a parents to my sisters child when she was murdered by her boyfrien for that even though my mother hated me and told me i should have died i survived for that even though joe did his best to take my life im still alive because of that i worked too much made too much had too much ran away from bad too much always keeping to myself too much better to protect myself then to give into someones hatred towards me i knew too much met too many people but like i said people come and people go i miss laurinda but ill probably never hear from her again marla becca are 2 more people ill probably never hear from again all the football plaers golfers basketball players all the a list celebs i used to know i will never know again the engagements i had the failed marriage because the man was strong enough to be military but too weak to love me even after 7 years of being friends walking away from good jobs for stupid reasons if i could go back 2 years i would id ignore the negative false crap i heard and i would have stayed at sunoco i should have helped john keep his his job i should have faught to be whatever we were supposed to be then and gotten rid of nate instead of believing nate had nowhere to go and no one to care for him but john hurt me by telling me as long as i had nate here no man was going to want me because it would me look like a cheater when i wasnt if i could go back and erase chris from my life and him raping me i would if i could go back and erase phil and the beating  he did money he stole and the babies he killed i would, because before chris i was happy wasnt worried about dating it was just me and rain sadly right now i want a man to love to need me to want me to hug me to kiss me to cuddle with me to watch the stars in the sky with i want and need a man who wants and needs to be beside me through thick and thin to kiss my forehead when i have a headache to hug me from behind no matter where or when or whos looking a man to give me a card just to say i love your smile a man who will cook fr me when i too tired to cook one who will miss me while we are apart kiss and hug m hello to say goodnight to e to say goodmorning to me to think of me someone to take care of me for once to find me worthy of coming home to me every night to cheat or beat on me to not lie to me to not drink until im beautiful one that will watch me when im doing something without getting caught but secretly i know hes doing it when we are sleeping he'll put his arm around me whisper i love you one that wont put me down or make me feel bad if i say or do something stupid or silly one to laugh with me not at me he doesnt have to go to church but at least believe some great being brought us together it doesnt matter his height or his looksnow how much he makes as long as he has a job and pays his bills i need a man to complete me as i wish to do all that stuff and complete him someone i can be in the presense of and everyone around us will know we are in love as best as we can be in this tough world we live in one that wants to help put the groceries away when i come home from grocery shopping helps do the dishes take out the trash and doesnt complain because if he didnt do it in the house we share then hed have to do it in his own house by himself where he lives alone not knowing me, i believed at one time that guy was john years ago i dont believe i felt what i felt for john for any other guy before because no matter how much i tried to get rid of the feelings they seem to just keep creeping up im not telling anyone not even him because all honestly i stopped believing hes the one for me im just someone to help him heal so he can become strong enough to go bac on his own and find that woman for him, thats all ive ever done was help people so they can move on and maybe its my time to move on and stop letting others dictate my life for me.

my days are too hyper

lately i have so much on my mind i cant think, i try to think of one thing and work on it then bam i have something else creeping into my mind, today i was upset over something stupid and i sat out back and thought and i had an old pool just sitting there and it began ticking me off because i fill it and within an hour its deflated and the waters spilling out, well its just sitting there deflated no water in it and i thought man i need some scissors im gonna cut me up some pool, so i came in grabbed some went out and cut it up and then went on to cleaning out the shed and took my neighbor for an errand and got nowhere, then i began in the shed again and another neighbor called and we went ran her errands and i sold some gold leaf i got from the other neighbor to get gas in the car, and i came home i was so bored and i called my neighbor and said i know you aint shaved and showered yet we are going swimming so we did. i brought my daughter with us, it was just us 3 ladies at the lake swimming and enjoying our peace and quiet. im off swimming away from them  and i thought to myself why when men go swimming their manhood shrivels up but a womans breasts dont? lmao omg i need my paper towels, seriously this is all because i dont have paper towels so i cant scrub my floors...lol...i have no life....but yeah thats it for now yall, i figured yall needed a laugh for tonight

things are changing

i had originally gotten to a spot with john i didnt want a relationship with im afterall, now since our argument and my night of crying about my past im beginning to see he has become more affectionate towards me, that night i cried he held me and made me feel safe and made me forget i was crying and since then we havent argued, hes been looking for work cross your fingers he went for an interview and the guy had him go back for a second interview with the night managers and supervisors, which he said went well too and then he will find out monday or tuesday if they want him to go in and do the weight lifting test to see if he can lift 50 pounds or not which he can and then he will find out if they want to hire him, which how can they not? the man is a hard worker and with me driving him he will get there on time and he will be there when required. then he can get his license back and get his truck back and maybe move out on his own. although i feel he isnt going to move out, because i was saying this to him 2 days ago and he wouldnt answer me about it, i asked him why he isnt answering it he said he cant leave the insanity, i said you call my house stable then? he said yup. the same guy who pushed me away is now calling me and my zoo stable...lol... i found that funny. so i said to him to promise me he wont fall in love with me, he told me he wont promise that because he cant promise that. years ago if i knew how to let something between us happen it would have happened. but the first 3 months he lived here he pushed me to a point i dont want him in a relationship, im only here as a friend. lastnight he told me what makes my dump a home was "its where i live, where i sleep, eat and the only person who cares for me lives" it made me cry. where he feels at home, i feel lost here like i dont belong living here, but i think thats more of the fact all the crap ive been through living here. you know where i feel at home? when its bedtime and i get to put my arm around him i feel safe, i feel like im at home. when he isnt in bed i cant sleep. what does that mean? seriously, im afraid of love, i dont know what it is and how to react towards a human who isnt my child loving me. how do i react to it? does that mean im in love with the guy again? or that i didnt do a good job pushing those feelings down into my gut again? seriously i dont know what to do with it. he comes into the room when im getting ready to go to bed and climbs in and bumps his butt into me so i cuddle into him. what does that mean? we were only supposed to be friends. what the hell is going on here?
this is the same guy i met over a joke 4 years ago. yeah i know people meet their new love perspectives in strange ways, or know them from school and never think of having anything til years later, omg its years later haha, but seriously when we first met we couldnt get enough attention from each other. then somewhere down the line we lost whatever it was about 2 years ago then we began being in and out of each others lives and now we are stuck like glue to each other. for him to say im the only one that cares for him means something. my problem is i never stop caring and i know hes a good man a good good man. hes just gone through hell by himself. i wish i could have helped him, but as i was told earlier by a friend i did help him, he was sinking fast and i gave him a life jacket. yes the first 3 months werent glorious and perfect but thats because he was lost, and july 4th had to happen for him to heal and see he has all he needs, sadly i got hurt and even though i healed from the wounds of joe thanks to john, every once in awhile i find myself thinking of the day and i begin to cry because i think of how i was weak enough to cry in front of him. how he was weak enough to break. how we as friends helped each other through a crisis. and we are abled to talk and hold conversations and not argue. where he might be wanting more now that things are on the right track for him, im not ready. i know i didnt get that job at walmarts photo studio, if i did the girl would have called by now, but no big worries, just means it wasnt the right job for me. really i want a job where im active and having fun and helping people, not forcing them to spend money they dont want. im good at helping people, thats what i do. in return my friend cheril who is like a sister to me, gave me furniture and a tv yesterday, john had stuff very similar to what she gave us, and he let his sister hold them at her house and her sons took the stuff and began using it. so basically he lost it. but cheril gave me her stuff because shes losing her place and didnt want to lose it if i could use it. and at first i was iffy about taking it, but then i said why not? johns happy with it, cinnamons happy she has a big spot on the couch. me im just glad i dont have to sit on the floor. i live in a trailer and the furniture is meant for a big house...lol...but its here and comfy, thank you cheri, i love ya girl. someday you will be rewarded 10 fold...well anyways ill stop yapping for now, but someone tell me what the hell is going on?

I think Im the one healing...thanks to john

the other night john and i got into an argument, well this is how it all started....  remind you, john and i are just friends, but im the one who cares for everyone, good or bad...at least thats how i felt, until now........

hes been drinking allot lately and ive been to the point ive been trying to keep away fro him, and he drinks so much to wash away his problems, but all it does is make more problems. hes been having these fits where he just up and walks away, saying he doesn't want to get mad, but apparently he already is or he wouldn't walk away. he'd walk miles away in old shoes, get to wherever and drink and then call me to go rescue him. well after a week of doing that, he asks me to bring him to meet up with his son, well i found out it was yet another lie. but ill get to that. i sent him a text whether or not to lock the door if he was coming home, he replied on his way now. so i left it unlocked and i believed his son was bringing him home. his dog cinnamon kept me awake having to keep going in and out and i began to get concerned when an hour goes by and he doesn't show up, as a friend im sitting here thinking what if they were in an accident because they had been drinking? so i went into johns old phone and got jordans number was about to dial it then i reminded myself hes the one driving if they were in an accident he wouldn't answer either, so i waited 30 minutes then i called the ludlow police and they said no accidents have been called in they'd call if anything came up. well at 430 i really got concerned so i called johns phone and asked where he was and if he was ok? i got "im with friends" and he hung up. hes been pushing me away so much lately i hit that spot where ok he wants me to not like him and he wants me to kick him out, so fine i packed all his stuff up and put it in the shed, i took his family members and so called best friend Roy's number out his old phone and texted them all that they need to take him in because im done trying to help their mess. the only one who answered was his son that he was supposedly with the night before, he told me he hasn't spoken to his dad since his graduation and he wasn't with him. so now im concerned what it john went out and found a friend whose into drugs and got drugged up and overdosed? or whatever. i still wanted him gone i couldn't trust him. but his son kept telling me he'd come around and i should talk to him. well john for the most part is a good man who has been pushed down too much by life. im just the lucky one who tried helping and got nowhere. i heard nothing from him until 6 pm on the 4th, hes mad and drunk and wanting me to go pick him up. i didn't want to but god knows he would have made it back here one way or another. so i went. he wasn't even in the car and he was yelling at me. i tried to shut the window but he was quicker than the windows motor. he was busy yelling at me all the way home. i kept telling him to get out my car, he wouldn't. i called the cops and they came. i only called the cops because he threatened me, he told me to shut the F*** up if i knew what was good for me. i stopped hearing his voice and i reverted back to being 16, 17, 18 and 19 in an abusive relationship with this guy who would beat me just for blinking the wrong way. he beat me so much, everyday. my family told me i deserved it.  he beat me christmas morning and i went into hiding with help from someone. i was told to ''hide and get strong because the next he will kill you if youre not strong enough to fight back" so for 6 weeks i found strength inside of me, to beat him and that fear he put inside me away. that beating on christmas morning i was left my eyes swollen shut, broken ribs, stab wounds in the back, cuts across my arms, i was left for dead. it was coming on valentines day and i outed myself as i was told to do, i was told to start seeing people who knew him and get back to being friends, it took him 6 days, 6 days! to come forward to me, he acted like he  was the sweetest man id ever meet and asked me to give him another chance and we'd have a wonderful valentines day date together. i agreed knowing deep inside he wasn't going to stay nice. he set up the most romantic date for us too, too bad it wasn't romantic. it was more business than anything else really. he rented a boat had champagne and roasted chicken and veggies and tiramisu and roses lined the edge of the boat, the sun was setting an he pulled it out from the dock. had peabo bryson playing lightly in the speakers. it seemed like he was actually going to make it a nice night. it didn't take long though. we were at least 5 miles away from shore, by ourselves and he began yelling at me how i was ugly and a whore and no man will ever want me, he'd be doing everyone right by killing me. he slammed my head on the table. still yelling at me. he gets up and begins to walk around the deck of the boat and i looked up he had a gun in his hand and cuffs in another. asking me head or chest bitch? meaning which should he shoot. i lunged at him ready to fight back. but he hit me. i kicked the back of his leg and from there i don't remember every detail. all i remember after that is standing over him with a gun in my hand releasing every bullet into him. i was mad. i was very mad. i remember wishing i had more bullets so i could give him one for each punch or kick i got from him. i went down and called the coastguard to come pick us up. it was written up as self defense. but i feel it wasn't. i for the first time knew what hatred was. i hated hatred too. i bottled all that up and shoved it into a spot in my gut vowing to never speak about it again. i hid from people. i changed my name and moved to a new town, forcing myself into work so much i didn't think about anything but work. i stayed that way for years. the other night when john yelled at me, he became joe. he didn't know. he knew he was drunk. he knew he did wrong. but he never knew about joe and the pain he gave me. i tried for the past few days to hold it in, but last night i cried. i cried for hours and hours. john would ask whats wrong, but i was so messed up i couldn't even talk, if he knew what i had been through, maybe he wouldn't have gone off the way he did, maybe we would have been better friends, or maybe all this happened for both of us to open our fucking eyes and see we needed each other for reasons beyond our eyesight, i needed to heal from the abuse and my past. he needs to heal from the past and the present. i cried for hours last night, my eyes were burning. john fell asleep on the couch, or at least began, but i needed him near me more than he will ever know. i asked him to come lay with me, he did. no questions asked. he laid here and i felt safe. i put my arm around him i felt safer. i remember waking up during the night my head on his chest i felt safer than hours before. i love john. he to me honestly is the best friend i needed to enter my life. he helped me more than he will ever know. im sure from time to time, i will cry. but its all healing process. i have had so many males friends throughout life but the ones i kept around were the gay ones, because i couldn't get hurt by my girls. john is the first male friend i think ill keep around. its going to be tough, but we will get through it. now we need to get him on the right track. he will get there. i believe in him. always have but something hit me and held me back so it was tough. i dont want to give up on the man i met and loved from the second i saw him. and yes there is a difference between love and in love. i love john.

what does it take?

                 i dont want to get lost in this too much because right now im not up to being in the social vibe, but tonight it will be different because im planning to go out and get drunk at my girls bar.  i basically got just showed my friend doesnt give a shit about me. he asked if i wanted to go swimming i said yeah, but then he kept saying that i dont like going swimming at that time it was 4pm and my neighbor called to see if hed help move some wood for her, so he went over to help, i figured we would go after he got back figuring he would be right back, but he never came back. so i texted him and he went swimming without me. tells me he doesnt give a shit about our friendship. but whatever, you cant help bullshit artists right? no you cant. its just upsetting, it was hot i wanted to go swimming too. but i guess he really doesnt give a shit about me. so i get to close my emotions for him out, i can be just as mean. i dont need it. but now i wrote about it, im good for now. i need to find a man who wants me just as i am, not just friends. a woman like me likes to be hugged and kissed and have a man give her attention, not just be lied to. im done i need to get out and find myself a good man. im tired of just friends. so any of you know a single man who wants to talk and see what happens let me know. have a good night.

my past is haunting me

i am sorry you went through this, when i was 5 my parents began divorce by seperating but my mother begged my father to come back after she claimed she was done having her affairs, my parents moved us kids to maine and they seemed to get better, but 4 months after moving there my dad died i was 7 then and my mother took her anger out on me because my dad had his will made out in the he left me all his life insurance and any money he had put aside for me, my mother would beat me and call me names, my teacher called social services and i was taken from the house and put into foster care, my grandfather my dads father learned of it and had his lawyer fight for my finances that when i turned 18 i could have the money, but because no one was aloud to know where i was after 4 years they gave it to my grandfather who spent it on cars. while in foster care i moved from home to home state to state, when i was 13 i moved into my foster parents ducky and geri in PA and geri told me a saying she told anyon she came into contact with that was hurt "I love you, thank you and Im sorry.. I love you because you came into my life, thank you for letting me be part of your life and healing and im sorry for all the hurt you lived through" that saying stuck to me til this day anytime i come into contact with someone who has been hurt i say it. when i was 14 i got ammancipated from the state ward and became financially responsible for myself because i had a babysitting job and a part time job at kmart i saved up my money so i can get my own place and become my own parent. the pain i lived through hurt me so bad i sunk myself into my school work and my jobs. over the years i secretly kept in touch with my sister who was my bestfriend, she died 10 years ago at the hands of her boyfriend im raising her daughter who is turning 16, after my sister died my mother and i began talking again and i found out she was dying, for a year and a half i took care of her by myself while she was dying, none of the other children of hers came to help her at all, its sad because it took 20 years to get an apology from my mother for all the pain she and my family put me through. i got the apology the day she died just as she was going out the door. 8 years ago. it hurts she never thought of the pain she was causing me when she did it. its sad because for years i wondered what would have my life been like if my dad didnt die? and they just got a divorce and moved on from each other? but you know what? i dont let it get to me too much because i have a kid who needs me to be strong for her. i never held anything from my niece afterall my mothers other children tried suing me for my house and tried getting custody of her but they lost, because they lost we had to sell our house and move to hide from them because they kept threatening to kill me and kidnap her. right now im considering to move again because im so used to moving and never staying in the same place for too long. we have been here for 7 years thats the longest ive ever been in any 1 place ever. what i went through made me stronger, i hope it makes you stronger too.

i feel meaningless

i sit here wondering why do i help other people?
 why do all i can d to make other people happy when really they dont want to be?
 why havent i learned to tell people to go away and leave me alone?
why do i let people get the best of me but i get nothing in return?
im wondering what it would take to get certain people to understand i can only go so far at being pushed aside and only needed when they want or need something but not giving any help to me?
i cant be the one who constantly gets hurt by people and i am beginning to refuse to around these people again all im doing is trying to do be a friend and help people but its not getting me anywhere so all im going to do the next few weeks is get the people to leave me alone and go on their own and take misery with them. i deserve better i was happy before, im not now, and i am going to be happy again.

wish me luck!!

need to think so here i am..

                   so i dont know whats going to happen, but im having that feeling somethings about to happen and i dont know what it is. i wish i knew. i think john is working on leaving here as well. im not sure what is going through his head and i hit that spot i really dont care what he thinks. he leaves he leaves, thats it. he stays he stays, thats that. i think im at that point where im ready to be alone by myself and taking care of rain on my own and not worrying about any guy. even nates been sitting there since he walked out 5 months ago saying how he regrets leaving and says he wants to come back yet he doesnt do anything to get back here, really id love to see how john and nate act towards each other near each other. that would be funny.  neither one deserves me at this point. john told me flat out basically he was messing with my head when he asked me to open up and be with him then he said no its not what he wanted, he said he isnt good at relationships, i dont know why, but that right there made my close down towards him now. like i am here living in my house and he is here taking up space near me but it doesnt effect me anymore. i think i hit that spot where im heartless completely right now and im tired of caring for what a guy needs or wants, right now if he turned around and said hes ready id have to be brutally honest and tell him no. i lost that loving feeling i had towards him before. but whatever its his loss. i just feel like hes looking to leave. and really i dont know if it is true or not, but i feel someone leaving. it might not be him, might not even happen, but you know when you feel something happening and you cant figure it out? thats what im feeling. totally lost and confused right now.  im so tired of everything right now im thinking of just taking a few days to myself and closing off from people fo a bit. i dont know what to do. i need to go take a nap too. so have a good night everyone. maybe next time im on here there will be better news. we will see...........

dear john or is it?

john came into my life in a happen by night kind of way. i was working at a gas station convenience store kind of thing. he pulled in with his truck to get gas. he walked into the store and i said "can i have the keys to my truck back now?" threw him off. here i am a perfect stranger asking for keys to his truck. its a gorgeous truck, big red and a tundra. at the time i was in love with trucks and tundras were my fave at the moment so it fit to give him the joke. hey it made him laugh and it started a friendship. he got $20 in gas and a pack of marlboro 100s. and left. i said to myself "that is a guy i wouldnt mind waking up next to every morning" and i said "dear god bring him back into my life" after that nothing else was thought besides i figured id never see him again. the next day he came into the store and i said to him the same question and he tossed the keys on the counter and said "here have it but im not helping with the gas" we got to talking and he told me he was working down at universal and we just spoke for a few minutes and i thought damn he is handsome and those brown eyes drew me further because his eyes were dark and gorgeous. he is a tall and sexy tanned man. it was winter but he was sexy. and yup i wanted to know him. after about 5 weeks he finally got the balls and asked for my number but the way he asked was funny he said he needed my number to make sure he gives me the keys to my truck back sometime. and by that time it was spring and the ground was thawed and golf season was open i found out he was a golfer, um hello other then football players golfers have the sexiest backs! anyways we texted all the time, flirted and became friends. there were times we had spats and we wouldnt talk for a few days. but he always had a knack of coming in the store and smiling and leaning against the counter driving me crazy in a good way and getting me to forgive him and we would be back to being friends. seriously if the man asked me to visit him during good hours and sleep over i most likely would have. i had been to his house once but he was getting ready for work. and the only time he would ask me to go over was when he was getting ready for bed, and i didnt want to be a booty call. i just wanted to be near him, if sex happened back then i probably wouldnt mind it back then i wanted the man in many ways really, but i was scared to open up based on i didnt want to be rejected, and i had nate who was just a friend staying with me going through health issues i was embarrassed but he and i drifted apart in the winter of 2010 i was beginning to be upset at my job and everything around me, he got to a point he would only call when he needed money which he wasnt good at paying back, i got to a point i couldnt and wouldnt keep helping out. so i just stopped replying to his texts and calls. i drifted apart. but i cant remember why or how we got back into talking later that year. but we did. and what sucked was i was doing what i can to not be inlove with him and in the end of 2010 i took a new job across town in a store i was sure he wouldnt stop at if he didnt know i was there, for awhile we didnt speak and around march of 2011 we got back in touch with each other and i found out one of his dogs scarlet had just died the month before and he lost his job at universal and for a few months we were off and on talking, i finally confessed to him how i felt towards him and all he said was "that was obvious" and for 10 days i didnt hear anything from him this was august 2011 at that point and i got hurt because to me that was rejection when he goes silent towards me after that, i told him i couldnt do it anymore and stopped talking to him. i didnt send him a birthday card, no christmas card. new years eve i sent a text hope your next year is better. and he calls me back and says why you wishing that for me? whats so good about it? and i said im just hoping this year is better than last year seeing last year wasnt all that easy for you. we hung up. i never thought of him again. until the middle of march he began being on my mind alot. in the beginning of april he became part of my dreams and he was sad every time i saw him in my dreams and i spoke to rain about it and she told me to text him, i wrote a note telling him to call me and after 10 minutes i gave in and texted him to find out he lost his house and he was basically homeless and staying at a friends house who wanted him out in 2 days, i offered him to come here and stay. he did. the first weekend i figured he wanted to be alone to think and figure things out and he took it as i wasnt interested in being near him and wanted him gone. gosh that was so far from the truth. i went and ran some errands one day on a tuesday and came home to find him leaving. he had an old neighbor meeting him at walmart to leave, i was hurt and he left. he doesnt have his license because he speeds and gets tickets and didnt pay them. i didnt know he didnt have a license. so anyways he left was gone 4 day when i brought him back home. he said he felt he didnt belong thats why he left and my neighbors son pj was using my phone for drug calls. the first actual weekend he was here he began the conversation of asking me to be with him in a relationship. that day he was happy and giving me kisses and hugs. then the next day he began pulling away from me. i knew something was wrong but didnt say anything. 2 days later i asked what the hell is going on? he said to me he isnt ready for a relationship, but he wanted me to hold on until he is ready. i already waited years for guys before him. i hit that spot where im done waiting and  to be honest i already waited for him. now im just getting my heart beating everyday......ill have to finish this when i come back...ok so im back, i went to the lake with some friends and came home to do the hot dogs on the grill. anyways, back to john, i waited 3 years for him to actually make the move if he wanted something with me. then last year i confessed how i felt and got shot down. now im just getting told i give him no respect. yet its ok for him to sit here and fuck with my head and heart ?  but im wrong because he thinks its ok to ignore me. well im done waiting and i deserve better than a guy wasting my time. he tells me we moved passed him telling me to wait for him and that i said im done waiting. i am he either wanted me then or he doesnt want me at all.  yet he didnt reply maybe i shouldve left him living where he was basically on the street. shit with all the friends he has im sure one of them could have giving him a couch to sleep on? yet here he has my bed and i sleep on the couch. im so tired of men right now really, i cant do this anymore. i cant have some guy living in my house when he doesnt want me, and he is stopping me from finding someone who wants to spend time with me.  i yelled at him again because he began yelling at me, i told him to get out. part of me is being stupid im not sure which part.

something i haven done in forever

tonight i was feeling the urge to go out and do something so i took a sheet and laid on my lawn and thought awhile what it was i needed to do because i was bored and couldnt fathom cleaning because id start and get frustrated because its too humid. well my friends dog and my cat were walking down the street side by side and i said well i guess i will take cinnamin for a walk, i havent taken a dog for a walk since star died, i mean i took the puppies for quick walks but not like this tonight i walked cinnamin all over and played with fireflies i was tossing them at her and she was catching them and her tongue glowed so cool. we were out for about 45 minutes i dropped her back at the house and took my boys out in plans to go the same route and play with the fireflies again. but 3 quarters of the way i got distracted and stopped to talk to a friend and her kids and see how the wedding they went to was, they showed me broccoli they were growing because i gave them the plants after i bought them for myself and decided i didnt want them anymore because it meant id have to plant them in the ground but i didnt feel like it. but anyways, for 2 hours i was out the house walking dogs and i came to the idea  maybe just maybe things will turn around for me i just need to keep at it. i do need to get out of this house, but i first need to get a job and money coming in and start saving some here and there and in 2 years maybe i will have enough to move from my trailer into a home. i can only hope and keep faith. johns been here almost 2 months and things have turned around for him so fast, hes in school and going to a job interview on tuesday, maybe he and i can come up with something where the house is his and i can move somewhere else and i mean afterall the trailer paid for in full he wont have to worry about mortgage and losing it and when he gets tired of living here he can move out and i can come back i dont know but it is something to ponder some more.
speaking of john i didnt finish what i was sayin lastnight and gosh it still hasnt hit me what i saying but i dont mind right now im in a good mood and the past is the past and as of right now im only thinking of the future. and i want to have a barbeque, this stinks i didnt prepare my life for fun hahas for me i guess, anyways more tomorrow, im going to give john back my laptop so he can play his games...
have a good night..

HOROSCOPES

I AM BEGINNING TO THINK MAYBE HOROSCOPES ARENT MEANT TO TELL US FIBS BUT MAYBE INTRODUCE US TO THINGS WE MAY THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE?  I READ  MY HOROSCOPE THE OTHER NIGHT AND IT SAID SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT THAT I SHOULD GO AFTER WHAT I WANT AND TO HELL WITH THOSE WHO DONT WANT ME TO WIN THE RACE.. TONIGHT IM READING ONE IN A MAGAZINE WHERE THEY ARE BASED FOR THE UPCOMING MONTH AND IT SAYS IN THE BEGINNING OF JUNE I WILL HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO A FRIEND. RIGHT NOW MY LIFE CONSISTS OF LITERALLY 4 OR 5 PEOPLE I ACTUALLY SPEAK TO THAT I WOULD CALL A FRIEND. YOU KNOW SOMEONE YOU TEND TO COUNT ON WHEN YOU ARE IN NEED OR A GOOD CONVERSATION AND MORAL SUPPORT.  WELL I FIND IT FUNNY, BECAUSE IN JANUARY I HAD A FRIEND WALK OUT ON ME AND HE CLAIMS HE REGRETS WALKING OUT THE SECOND TIME. SEE HE WALKED OUT AND WAS GONE A MONTH. RETURNED TO WALK OUT YET AGAIN 5 DAYS LATER. SINCE THEN I HAVE CRIED FOR HIM. HURT FOR HIM. OVERCAME HIM. THE ONLY REASON I KEEP HIM AROUND RIGHT NOW IS BECAUSE OF HIS SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK HE HAS ME AS HIS REP PAYEE.  SO I COLLECT HIS CHECK EVERY MONTH. NOT MUCH OF A CHECK EITHER BECAUSE HE KEEPS AVOIDING DOING THE PAPER WORK TO GET HIS HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED.  ONCE HE DOES HIS CHECKS WILL GO BACK UP. BUT ANYWAYS, HE ISNT HERE BUT I STILL GET HIS CHECKS, HE SAYS BECAUSE I NEED THE MONEY HE WONT TAKE IT AWAY.  BUT I KNOW HE WILL EVENTUALLY BECAUSE HE IS A HEARTLESS PRICK OF A MAN IN MY EYES. A BIG TIME CHEATER WHO WALKED OUT ON ME AFTER ASKIN IF ID BE WITH HIM IN A RELATIONSHIP. THANK GOD NO SEX WAS INVOLVED.   HE LEFT TO BE WITH A WOMAN HE MET ONLINE THROUGH OKCUPID.COM...SERIOUSLY HE ISNT ALL THAT TO LOOK AT. HE HAD SOME GOOD POINTS. BUT REALLY IF HE IS NOT AN HONEST MAN IT MAKES HIM UGLY. AM I RIGHT OR WRONG ON THAT ONE LADIES? THE SAME GOES FOR WOMEN, YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE DROPDEAD GORGEOUS AND SHE CAN OPEN HER MOUTH AND SAY THE CRUELEST THING AND MAKE HERSELF UGLY. WHEREAS YOU CAN FIND A HERMIT CRAB AND SHE DOES SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS SMILE AND SHE BECOMES BEAUTIFUL OVERTIME YOU GET TO KNOW HER AND SHE BECOMES THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN YOUR LIFE.  AND YOU WONDER HOW YOU LIVED YOUR PIFE WITHOUT HER BEFORE?  FUNNY HOW LIFE IS LIKE THAT. RIGHT NOW I HAVE MY FRIEN LIVING WITH ME. HIS NAME IS JOHN. NO IM NOT CHANGING HIS NAME FOR SAFETY REASONS. SERIOUSLY WHY BOTHER?  BUT ANYWAYS JOHN JUST WENT THROUGH SOME HARD THINGS TO GO THROUGH BY HIMSELF. HE LOST HIS LICENSE 2 YEARS AGO, WHICH MADE HIM LOSE HIS JOB BECAUSE HE COULDNT GET THERE. THEN ONE OF HIS DOGS SCARLET DIED. THEN HE WENT THROUGH LOSING HIS HOUSE TO BEING HOMELESS.  GOD PUT HIM INTO MY THOUGHTS AND KEPT HIM THERE UNTIL I GOT IN TOUCH WITH HIM. HE HAS BEEN HERE 7 WEEKS MINUS 3 DAYS HE TOOK OFF BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I DIDNT WANT HIM HERE. GOD KNOWS MY HEART. I POURED MY HEART OUT TO THIS GUY LAST YEAR, TELLING HIM HOW I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM.  BUT BECAUSE HE DIDNT RESPOND I TOLD HIM TO FORGET IT AND I COULDNT BE HIS FRIEND ANYMORE AT THAT POINT.  FUNNY HOW GOD TAKES PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND PUT THEM BACK IN.  FOR 4 YEARS JOHN AND I HAD BEEN IN AND OUT OF EACH OTHERS LIVES. BUT THIS TIME HE MOVED INTO MY HOME.  HIM, HIS OTHER DOG CINNAMIN AND ALOT OF HIS STUFF.  IM THINKING HE WOULD STAY HERE UNTIL HE GOT HIS FEET BACK ON THE GROUND.  BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HES MOVING IN TO STAY..  BELIEVE ME AS A FRIEND I DONT MIND. BECAUSE I LOVE BEING ABLED TO HELP HIM. BUT IN MY HEART IM DYING BECAUSE IM TRYING TO LET GO OF THE INLOVE PART I HAD FOR HIM. BUT HE MADE IT COME OUT WHEN A MONTH AGO HE ASKED ME FOR A RELATIONSHIP. THEN 3 DAYS LATER HE SAYS HE ISNT READY FOR IT. THAT CRUSHED ME AND MADE ME HAVE A LITTLE HATRED TOWARDS HIM FOR HURTING ME AGAIN.  YES I UNDERSTAND HES GOING THROUGH THINGS HE NEEDS TO WORK THINGS OUT FOR HIMSELF BECOME THE MAN HE ONCE WAS. A COUPLE WEEKS AGO I FOUND OUT HIS LICENSE WAS INVALID AND HE DENIED IT. THEN MY FRIEND/NEIGHBOR TRACY TOLD ME HE TOLD HER HE HAD A WARRANT FOR HIS ARREST BECAUSE OF IT. LAST WEEK HE BLEW UP AT ME OVER A JOKE. AND I HIT THE SPOT I FELT UNCOMFOTABLE NEAR HIM AND I HAD NO LOVE FOR HIM. I HATED HIM. I HATED THE SIGHT OF HIM. THE SMELL OF HIM. EVEN JUST LOOKING AT HIS CRAP MADE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH. HE LEFT THE NEXT MORNING TO GO TO HIS FRIENDS' HOUSE AND WAS GONE FOR THE WEEKEND AND I KEPT SAYING TO MYSELF IF HE NEVER CAME BACK ID BE FINE WITH IT.  REALLY AFTER THE FIRST ONE WALKED OUT AND THIS ONE MADE ME THINK ABOUT MY EXHUSBAND WHO MOST PEOPLE DONT EVEN KNOW ABOUT. HE AND I WERE BEST OF FRIENDS FOR GOSH 14 YEARS. WE ELOPED SEPTEMBER 7TH, 2001. HE WAS IN THE MILITARY AND WAS GETTING STATIONED IN PENNSYLVANIA TO WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE. HE HAD TO SIGN IN ON THE 10TH AND THEN ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001 WHEN THE PLANES HIT THE TOWERS AND THE PENTAGON AND CRASHED INTO THE GROUNDS IN PENNSYLVANIA.  HE WAS LISTED AS MIA FROM LAST POST INSIDE THE PENTAGON. AFTER 6 MONTHS THEY LISTED HIM AS DECEASED. FIVE AND A HALF YEARS LATER HE CAME BACK INTO MY LIFE OUT OF THE BLUE.. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I GOT THE CALL FROM A FELLOW FRIEND BRYAN SAYING "LARRY IS ALIVE AND ON HIS WAY TO YOUR HOUSE AS WE SPEAK" I DROPPED THE PHONE AND FELL TO MY KNEES AND CRIED. NO ONE THERE TO HOLD ME. I LOOKED UP WHEN I HEARD THE ENGINE OF A CAR COMING CLOSER INTO MY DRIVEWAY. THERE HE WAS STILL GORGEOUS AS EVER 6'3", BROWN HAIR, BROWN EYES TALL AND SLENDER YET MUSCULAR BUILD. HE HAD A LIMP HE NEVER HAD BEFORE. I SAW THE SCAR ACROSS HIS FACE OVER THE BRIDGE OF HIS NOSE AND THROUGH HIS CHEEK. IT DIDNT MATTER TO ME LARRY WAS HOME AND I CAN FINALLY FINALLY LOVE HIM LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO YEARS AGO WHEN WE MADE OUR VOWS. WE SAT DOWN AT MY PICNIC TABLE I HAD THEN IN MY YARD AND HE BEGAN TELLING ME THE STORY ABOUT HOW HE GOT INJURED AND HE SAW HIS FACE AND THOUGHT I WOULDNT LOVE HIM ANYMORE. HOW HE LOST A LEG AND I DEFINATELY WOULDNT LOVE HIM ANYMORE. HOW HE FAKED HIS DEATH BY PUTTING HIS TAGS ON ANOTHER SOLDIER. I COULDNT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS HEARING OUT HIS MOUTH. IT SOUNDED LIKE I WAS LISTENING TO A MOVIE BEIN SO LOUD IN 3D AND IT MADE ME SAD AND MAD AND HURT. I FELT SO BETRAYED FOR THE LADY IN THE MOVIE. AFTER A FEW MINUTES I REALIZED IT WAS ME THE WORDS BEING SAID TO AND I DIDNT WANT TO BELIEVE THE MAN I PLEDGED TO LOVE HONOR AND OBEY COULDNT DO THE SAME TO ME. HE COULDNT BE HONEST FROM DAY ONE. I FELT I COULDNT GO WITH HIM. I HATED THE VERY SITE, SMELL AND ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. I TOLD HIM TO LEAVE AND TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE. I CALLED MY LAWYER AND SAID WHAT I HAD JUST BEEN TOLD. WAS TOLD TO CONTACT HIS MILITARY COURT AND FILE A COMPLAINT. WHEN I DID, I FOUND OUT HE FILED OUR MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE IN TENNESSEE THE YEAR WE WERE MARRIED AND IN THE STATE OF TENNESSEE I WAS LEGALLY MARRIED TO HIM AND I HAD TO FIGHT WITH THEM FOR THE RIGHTS TO AN ANNULLMENT AND THAT BEGAN A CYCLE OF DEALING THE COURTS AND RECERTIFYING MYSELF AND MY CHILD AS A SINGLE PARENT AND CHILD AND AFTER 6 MONTHS I BECAME A SINGLE WOMAN. HE WENT TO JAIL FOR FRAUD AND NOT JUST AGAINST ME BUT AGAINST THE MILITARY AND HE IS SET TO BE RELEASED IN 5 MONTHS. I WANT TO MAKE AMENDS WITH HIM SO MY HEART CAN HEAL FROM THE HURT AND I CAN BEGIN FULLY TRUSTING MEN AGAIN.  MY GOSH I TOTALLY GOT SIDETRACKED FROM WHERE I WAS WITH WHAT I WAS SAYING BUT HEY LETS SAVE THAT FOR ANOTHER NIGHT? IF SOMEONE CAN REMIND ME WHERE I WAS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW ITS LATE AND IM TIRED AND THINK I SHALL GET SOME SLEEP. ID GRATELY APPRECIATE THE HELP...LOL....IM THINKING I GOT LOST SOMEWHERE AROUND THE JOHN ISSUE BUT LIKE I SAID ANOTHER NIGHT. SO TOMORROW I WILL BE BACK AND FINISH CLEARING MY HEAD AGAIN.....

Dear Whoever;

     Lately I have been doing some rearranging in my life. Sine the year began I have gone through loses and gains. The losses that hurt the most were losing Petunia and Diamond. Then Nate walked out after asking if Id be interested in starting a relationship with him since I am the only one who bent over backwards to make sure he was happy. He walked out and left me confused. I kept praying. Even kept going to prayer circles. I kept praying he would come home. But then something clicked where I realized he wasn't true. So I let it go and began cleaning my house. I began dusting myself off and thinking of how to make my life better and slowly things were falling into place. My house was beginning to look better and although there was a certain emptiness in my house when Rain was gone on the weekends and whatnot. I knew eventually God would fill the void.
    Well apparently the past does come back to you. For awhile a certain person weighed heavy on my heart. I couldn't think without him popping into my mind. I would go to sleep and somehow he would end up in my dreams. But instead of his cute face smiling he would have frowns and it bugged the crap out of me. So i was talking to Rain and decided I would write to him. But then something said he wouldn't get the card. So I did what she said to do. "Text him Chica". So I did. And boy am I glad I did. He was going through allot of loss. He wasn't doing too good at all. I think he got to the point of thinking of ending his life was the best option. But I couldn't let him do that.
     I loved him from the first day he walked into my life. Four years ago he walked into my life. I wished to see him again. Then I did see him again. Then I wished again to keep seeing him. He would come into the store and make me feel happy just by standing there leaning his bony butt against the coffee counter looking at me through those shades. He was so gorgeous. I felt butterflies each time he would drive by the store going to lunch or to work. I would bring him food to eat sometimes. I would enjoy just being near him. It had been years since I felt that way about a guy. I was scared though. Because I was so used to guys hurting me. I kept keeping Nate here thinking he was better off here hurting me then with a new woman hurting her, because he always ended up back here. Well Nate and I were friends for a year and a half then he ruined it by wanting something more with me and after just 6 weeks it went downhill fast. I decided just being friends would be best. But I was too emotionally involved with him. I couldn't or wouldn't let him go. But this time I had no warning or clue. He just up and walked out. Which really is a blessing..
    The past couple weeks have been hard based on the tension John is giving off. But it is because he is going through crap. But I want him to open up and talk to me and let me in. I am not here to hurt him. My God if I was as callus as others who get off by hurting others I wouldn't open back up to him. I would have left the thoughts of him in the dust. Last year when I told him I had been in love with him, he didn't respond. I knew he had been hurt. But I didn't think he would let me go that easy. Maybe it was easier to let me go then put the effort into maybe accepting the love I had for him? I don't know. Probably won't know. But he is here now.
    My God can I tell you something? The man can sit there and be smoking outside and I think "Damn he is hot." or I would think "I wish he knew I'm In love with him".  I'm just as bad I guess, because I want the love from him, but am also afraid after being hurt for so long and putting my own happiness on the back burner for so long, that I am skeptical that there is a real thing about happiness. I know it is there. I just want him to be happy so much that when he smiles it is an honest smile. I want to believe him so much that because of my past with guys lying I feel I can't trust him. But I know he feels that same thing towards me.
    I am not the type to make someone hurt. If I hurt someone and I didn't know I did 'd want to know so I can make it right. It is only right. Right? I don't know how other people get off by hurting others. But those people deserve to be shot in the crotch in my opinion.  I am the one who always gets stepped on and hurt. So I know the pain I wouldn't want someone else to feel.  If I saw someone hurt by a fool I was the one to help lift that person up.
   That's why last month when John was weighing heavy on my life I had to open up and let him in. I needed to help him. I wanted to help him. No man should be down. In my opinion a man is supposed to be that strong rugged man like my Dad was. John reminds me allot of my Dad. Strong looks, beating heart and soul. My Dad was beating down my mother and her wicked ways. She cheated on him and beat him down. I feel that is what happened to John. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved fully.  Whatever those rude heartless women did to him needs to be corrected. He needs to be mended. Even if he gets strong and walks out at least I know I was there to see him get strong again in love and it would be enough for me to know he knows he deserves to be loved and happy. But I am for now going to make due with the present God brought that man back into my life for that reason. I am going to do my best to make John feel complete. Because that is the right thing to do.

My Diamond

8 years ago my cat gave birth to 6 kittens. One of them ended up being Diamond. I know I am not meant to have babies of my own from my body. So I became attached to my cats. Diamond is the Princess. She is  fragile young lady, who tonight is dying. There isn't anything I can do for her.  How is it I can give them homes with lots of love and fun, but I can't "put them down" when they are dying? I mean it kills me inside to know I won't ever get another hug or kiss from her or even hear her purr again. I should be used to losing my furry babies since I only lost Star a few months ago. Year and half before that I lost Bella before that Georgia and Buddy. Let's not forget Ive lost mice too. Why do we get so attached to our animals? I guess in my eyes, its the fact they dont lie to you, beat you or deceive you. They are always there and forgiving you if you step on their tail or kick them off the bed when you stretch while sleeping. When you are sad they are there with hugs and kisses and act goofy to help you forget the sadness. She is my royal princess and im losing her. yeah im done making sure i spelled things right or my puncuations are right, im losing another baby. other than my animals i only have my niece. and she is hardly ever here she is a teenager and she is preparing for her future and learning to be on her own in 3 years  she will be gone. i have 2 puppies moving in in 3 weeks, right now im too sad to even think of that, but i already paid for them so im going to have these babies in my house that im really going to have to pay attention to when they get here..i need to get my priorities straight this is crazy, it hurts to lose them when they die or disappear and you never get to see them anymore, yes there are memories, yes there will always be more animals, it just hurts as its happening.. i hate seeing animals die, why cant god take the lives of bad people and leave animals to live forever?